Second Chances
by suerum
Summary: An AU story about Spinelli and Jason. If there were second chances to be different, to get it right...
1. Lost

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**_A/N: I have no rights or affiliation with the characters presented within this piece_**

_Second Chances_

_Chapter 1: Lost_

_Spinelli groaned as he bent back over the toilet bowl, he had the urge to throw up again but all that came out of him was a dribble of bile mixed with a little blood. He rested his head against the cool porcelain, these days this was his solitary consolation-the refreshing feel of the chill pottery on his hot dry, skin. He didn't know how long this had been going on, at least a couple of months he thought._

_The two previous months of his life had been truly awful but primarily because he had watched the people he cared most about going through so much pain. Jason's life had been ripped to shreds. He had been embroiled in a mob war that had culminated in the kidnapping of his son Jake. _

_Spinelli had been responsible for finding every scrap of information about the Russians-their finances, their property holdings, their ships. Any piece of information could end up being the clue to finding where they were holding Jake. While Jason desperately searched for Jake in every part of Port Charles and its environs, Spinelli was glued to his laptop. They never slept, until their systems wouldn't stand it for another minute and then they would crash for a few hours. _

_Elizabeth haunted the penthouse, she was hollow-eyed and silent. Her eyes followed Jason's every movement when he was present, their expression a mixture of forlorn hope and desolation all wrapped up in clearly discernible and implacable hate. It was evident to Spinelli that whatever would be the outcome of this unbearable situation, and he fervently hoped that it would resolve with Jake back in his mother's arms, he was watching the death knell of Jason and Elizabeth's love. Jason knew it as well and he looked at Elizabeth as much as she stared at him. The difference was that his gaze was filled with pain, anguish and an awful longing love. _

_Spinelli had been exhausted as he worked day and night. That was when he had first noticed his symptoms. His stomach hurt all the time and he couldn't keep food down. He had constant indigestion and he was losing weight. _

_Maxie had noticed it the first time she had been able to see him in two weeks. She was shocked at his appearance when he opened the penthouse door to her knock. "Spinelli! You look terrible! When was the last time you ate, slept…"_

"_Maxie," he said striving to keep the impatience out of his voice, "I appreciate your concern but I don't have time for you right now. I don't have time for anything. I have to find Jake. I need to fix this for Jason."_

_Maxie was stunned, he wasn't calling her Maximista, he wasn't inviting her in and he wasn't going to let her be a part of this. _

"_Spinelli…" even Maxie could hear the whine._

"_I'll see you some other time." The door closed with a finality worthy of Jason._

_He had found something at least he thought he had and Maxie's interruption had caused him to lose his train of thought. He went back to his laptop, ignoring the burning in his stomach, he cleared his mind of everything and thought about what he had been doing. Yes, the check to the property management company, It had been written two weeks ago which was when Jake was taken but it hadn't been cashed until today. _

"_Damnit!" He thought angrily, "This was it, had to be and if they had only put the fucking check in the day after they got it.!" He was so furious with some anonymous realtor that he hadn't even registered his use of profanity. He wasn't himself and knew he never would be again if Jake wasn't returned safely._

_He snapped open his cell phone. Jason answered on the first ring. "Yeah."_

"_Stone Cold, it's 374 Oceanside Drive. You need to go now!"_

_Jake was crying. His whole world had been turned upside down two weeks ago when he had been ripped away from his Mother. Now, it had happened again. The large, soft lady that had been taking care of him and sang him soothing lullabies in a language he didn't know had disappeared. Instead, he was being held fiercely by this strange man who looked down at him with brilliant blue eyes which shimmered with unshed tears. "It's okay Jake, you're safe now. No one can hurt you." His voice was gruff._

_Jake struggled, he didn't want this man, he knew who he wanted, had wanted for weeks. "Mama! Mama!"_

"_Jake! Oh, God, Jake. Give me my baby!" Elizabeth practically ripped her son out of Jason's arms. "Mama's here, you're safe now baby. No one will ever take you away from me again!" She crooned softly all the while she was rubbing his back in comforting circles. Meanwhile, her eyes blazed as she looked at Jason. "You will never come near him again!" she whispered with a vicious sibilance._

_After Jake's rescue and Elizabeth's irrevocable rejection of him, Jason went on a rampage. He broke the back of the Russian organization within the week. He showed no mercy, the only soldiers that escaped were the lucky few that managed to get on the last Russian freighter leaving Port Charles. _

_By the end of ten days, Jason had cemented his position as the premier mob boss of the city. Not even the Zacchara organization under the new auspices of his prior partner, Sonny Corinthos would challenge Jason these days._

_Once he had routed the Russians and cemented his position, Jason gave into his depression. He drank, frequently and a lot. Spinelli grew rather adept at putting his quarrelsome or maudlin, depending on the type and amount of alcohol imbibed, mentor to bed after one of his binges. _

_Truth be told, Spinelli grew to prefer a drunken Jason to a sober one. When he wasn't drinking, he was usually hung over and he was always mean. He was bleeding men to the Zacchara organization. His men, hardened soldiers that they were, couldn't stand up under the pressure of Jason's icy gaze as he unfairly berated them about small infractions of rules that he seemed to be creating on the spot. _

_Sonny Corinthos was aware of the internal disintegration of Jason's business. He knew that he could just sit back and let it implode. When that happened he would step in and either make Jason an offer he couldn't refuse or more simply swat him out of the way. _

_The way Sonny saw it was that Jason had stolen his organization, the one he had built from the ground up. He had tried to reach out to Jason, tried to be conciliatory but Jason always rebuffed him. So, now that he was self-destructing, Sonny had no compunction about reaching out and taking back what had always been his…_

"_Spinelli," he's in a foul mood, well, when isn't he, these days? "Get down here!"_

_Spinelli closes his eyes, he simply lacks the stamina for a confrontation with Jason. He's not sure if he can talk him out of a temper one more time. Spinelli knows he can never, will never leave Jason but he is at his wit's end about how to help him._

_Another, "Spinelli!"_

_He wipes a dribble of blood off his chin and bends down to rinse the acrid taste out of his mouth. He catches his reflection in the mirror as he straightens up and is shocked. He doesn't recognize himself-his eyes are sunken in his face, dark circles underline them, his cheekbones are prominent and his complexion is grey. Sighing, he turns away from the mirror._

"_Where the hell were you?" is the greeting Jason growls at his roommate as he comes down the stairs holding onto the banister for support._

"_Upstairs, in the bathroom, Stone Cold. The Jackal is feeling a little under the weather."_

_Finally, something that was capable of penetrating the fog of alcohol and self pity. "What's wrong with you?" Jason peered at Spinelli intently. It was the first time he had looked at him, really seen him in weeks. "You look awful!"_

"_The Jackal thinks that might be a case of the pot calling the kettle, Stone Cold," Spinelli gave a sigh of relief as he sank into the soft, yielding cushions of the sofa. _

"_What do you mean?" Jason snapped at him. _

"_When was the last time you showered, shaved, changed your clothes, slept, ate something or drank something that wasn't alcohol based?" Just going through the list, wore him out and closing his eyes he slipped onto his side and was asleep in moments._

_Jason was worried. It was the first emotion besides grief and fury that had brought itself to his attention in a long time. He looked at his sleeping roommate with concern. He really did look bad and he was so skinny! _

_He hadn't thought about Spinelli in any sense except as an emotional crutch throughout this entire ordeal. He had depended on Spinelli to work his magic to find Jake and he had. Then he had come to Jason, almost crying, and apologized that so much time had elapsed that he hadn't been able to locate the safe house sooner-that he had failed Jason. _

_Jason had just waved him away wearily, "Jake's back because of you" or something like that was all he had managed. Instead of sitting him down and telling him the absolute truth, "You saved my son's life and my sanity and I owe you everything". _

_Then he had a date with a bottle and another one and really anything that was on exhibit in the window of a liquor store-he wasn't picky. Just not beer, no, it was difficult to get seriously drunk, without more effort than he wanted to expend, on beer. _

_So, Spinelli had silently and patiently picked up the pieces that were Jason Morgan night after night. He had tried to reason with him, tried to hide the liquor or take it out of his hand. It was all to no avail._

_Once, only once, but Jason remembered it, even through the alcoholic haze he had been in-he shoved him-hard. Spinelli had fallen across the coffee table and he let out an agonized yell as his back cracked into the table. _

_Jason was immediately sober. "God, Spinelli," he reached down for him and pulled him to a sitting position, "I'm so sorry! Are you okay?' He couldn't believe he had turned on the last person that was still in his life, that hadn't abandoned him as a lost cause. _

"_The Jackal is fine Stone Cold," Spinelli's back was aching abominably and later he would be black and blue. For now the mental anguish that Jason was perpetually enduring was more important than his own physical pain. "Here let me help you upstairs." Together they went up and after Spinelli had deposited Jason on his bed, he went and took a long, hot bath trying to relieve the burning fire in his back._

_As he uneasily watched his slumbering friend, Jason was disgusted with his recent behavior. Never, no matter how bad things had gotten had he ever acted like this. Occasionally, he had gone on a bender or taken his motorcycle out on a suicidal ride but then he had always calmed down and picked up the frayed strands of his life. _

_Running a weary hand across his face he realized that he had either been drunk or hung over or both now for weeks. Feeling the stubble on his cheeks he began to fully appreciate that everything Spinelli had said about him had been true. He stank, if he took his clothes off he thought they would probably still hold the shape of his body. _

_Suddenly, he was starving. He headed out to the kitchen and opening the refrigerator proceeded to grab anything which caught his eye. He swigged milk from the bottle and chomped on a chicken leg. He grabbed some of Spinelli's barbecue chips and even gulped down one of his orange sodas. He finished the impromptu binge by devouring a pint of strawberry ice cream._

_He went back into the living room to check on Spinelli and saw that he was still asleep. Upstairs he stood under a steaming hot stream of water for a full thirty minutes. Afterwards, he had shaved. He felt lighter and more balanced than he had in months. Now he was ready to head downstairs and see what was wrong with Spinelli but the bed looked so inviting. He thought to himself, "Just twenty minutes..."_

_Jason awoke with a start. He looked around his bedroom puzzled. This was the first time for a long time he had woken up and didn't have a headache, he felt clear headed, more like himself. Then he remembered, "Spinelli!" He hadn't been feeling well and Jason was supposed to check on him. He had fallen asleep in the afternoon and now it was dark. He looked at the clock and shook his head in confusion-"That couldn't be right!" According to the time he had been asleep twelve hours! _

_He suddenly felt a sense of urgency, he needed to go find Spinelli and see if he was okay. He went to his room first and cracked open the door but he could see in the dim hallway light that his bed was empty. "It couldn't be," he though uneasily. Spinelli couldn't have slept all this time too, he wasn't making up for weeks of sleep deprivation and binge drinking. "No," he told himself trying to be reassuring, "The kid's just tired, he went through the whole kidnapping thing and then taking care of me. He's just worn out." _

_Jason went downstairs without making any noise and sure enough Spinelli was still on the couch, looking as though he hadn't moved in the half a day he'd been there. Jason sat down on the coffee table and reached over to feel his forehead. It wasn't hot, it was actually cold and clammy, and his thick unruly hair was plastered across it. _

_Jason sighed and ran his hand through his own hair in an unconscious mannerism that occurred whenever he was troubled. He didn't know what to do and that was a rare situation for Jason Morgan. _

_On the one hand, Spinelli might simply be exhausted and a little undernourished from not taking care of himself properly for these past few weeks. In that case, the best thing Jason could do for him right now was let him sleep. Then when he woke up Jason could be the caretaker for a while and try to make up what was owed-though he knew in truth it was a debt that he could never erase. What made it worse was that Spinelli would always see the balance due as belonging solely to him._

_Jason shook his head impatiently, such meanderings weren't helping his decision making process. The other possibility was that Spinelli might be sleeping so long and so heavily because he was really sick and needed medical attention. In that situation, the sooner he woke him up and got him to a doctor the better._

"_What to do, what to …?" He didn't have a fever, he wasn't restless, and his breathing wasn't abnormal. Jason opted for a compromise-he would let the kid sleep for the rest of the night while he sat down here with him. Then in the morning, he'd reevaluate the situation and decide on a further course of action. It might not have been an entirely satisfactory solution but it would have to do for now._

_With the decision made, Jason went and got a blanket to cover Spinelli. Then after cleaning up the mess he'd made earlier in the kitchen, he went out and sat in a chair close to his friend. _

_Light was streaming through the French doors when Jason once more jerked awake. "Not again!" he thought angry with himself. He'd fallen asleep when he was supposed to be on duty watching over Spinelli. _

_His roommate, Jason looked over at the couch it was empty. At first he was relieved, that was a good sign. Spinelli had woken up on his own and gone to get something to eat or drink or had gone to the bathroom. The bathroom, he'd been in the bathroom yesterday when Jason came home… _

_Jason had never run up the stairs so fast in his life. He burst through the door of Spinelli's bathroom and stopped short, he couldn't be seeing this, he simply couldn't. If he just backed up time and ran today and last night and the week before in reverse. _

_Then he wouldn't be standing in his best friend's bathroom looking at him curled up against the toilet as he… as he once more retched and again more came, more of the red viscous fluid that was already forming puddles around him and on the white porcelain. _

_Jason closed his eyes, he couldn't look. Yet, Jason had always looked it had been his strength-unflinching looking. Not this goddamn time though, no one should have to see their brother's insides dribbling down their chin, no one… He could still smell it though, it wasn't vomit, there hadn't been anything in his stomach to throw up, no it was just a cloying, sickly sweet smell with a faint under tinge of a metallic odor._

"_Jason," one word, a sigh really. Still, it was enough of a catalyst to get him to look, really look. What he saw-well, he was pretty sure it was death-just a matter of when, not if. _

_Perhaps if he had held onto that concept, that truth, it might have been better for Spinelli in the long run. Jason was stubborn or he was scared or he was angry-probably all three really. That bastard upstairs wasn't winning this one so easily. Jason had sent him lots of presents-even family members-he wasn't getting Spinelli not without a fight he wasn't. _

_His eyes streaming and his muscles trembling he forced one foot into the room and then another and that was walking. He thought he might have to remind himself how to do a lot of basic things today. _

"_Spinelli," he was kneeling next to him, his leg in a pool of the stuff, it was unavoidable, besides it was all Spinelli wasn't it? He just wished he could repackage it and put it back where it belonged, where it could fix things._

"_Stone Cold," he was awake but weak, so weak that holding up his neck was causing spasms in the muscles. "Help me." _

_Then it happened again, unable to resist the reflex Spinelli threw up more blood and this time it landed on Jason-on his hands, his shirt, even a little on his face. He didn't care, from thirty seconds ago when he wanted to run away as far and as fast as he could, now he wouldn't leave if he had to swim in the awful fluid. _

_There wasn't any time, he couldn't go on like this and they couldn't wait, Jason knew it. He picked up his brother, he couldn't possibly weigh so little, Jason could cry. He turned for the door, his foot slipping in the coagulating slime; he caught himself against the sink, preventing a fall. _

_The trip downstairs, to the elevator, waiting, waiting, pushing the button again and again, thinking maybe the stairs, no, here it is, and then it took forever, hours or minutes or seconds absolutely too long and the doors opened and there was the garage, there it was the SUV, Oh God! the keys, the keys upstairs Fuck! he was out in the street he was running, and it was raining and the red gunk was streaming off him and Spinelli-pink rivers of it, there up ahead, he could see it the tower looming over the city, just get there and they would fix him make him better they would bring him back to Jason, he was through the doors and there was sound and people and they were gasping and staring and Jason didn't know, didn't care, didn't hear-he had tunnel vision, he saw an empty gurney, he hated to have him leave his arms but he knew he had to, then he was yelling, he was shouting-Robin, he wanted Robin, he needed Robin-he got Epiphany-almost as good, because she knew him-both of them, she tried to hide it, but she cared about Spinelli, even if she hadn't, she would always do the right thing because she was just like that…_

"_Jason!" It was the first sound he had heard since he had entered the ER. He had been having hysterics. It would go down in history. Jason Morgan dripping wet and covered in blood, coming into the ER carrying Damian Spinelli-who looked like a corpse. He was crying and screaming for Robin Scorpio. Epiphany Johnson had hauled back and slapped him-hard. She had done it in order to shut him up and to make him let go of Spinelli so they could examine him. Some that were present wondered why they would bother, just look at him, if he wasn't dead yet, he soon would be. _

_He just stood there and cried, cried like a little boy. Then he was in her arms and she was shushing him. They were moving the gurney away and when he saw that he screamed, actually screamed, "No!" She held him, stopped him from following, hers was the only contact he would accept. Epiphany had him sit down and for the first time in his life he was injected with a sedative._

_Finally, the ER was silent. Well, except for the guy coming down from a PCP high in cubicle 3, but that was a normal ER sound. It would go down in legend, absolute legend. People that saw it, and many more that hadn't, would talk about the day that Jason Morgan went crazy because Damian Spinelli was dying _

_People called about it, it was a spontaneous calling tree. They called someone to tell them about the amazing sight they had just witnessed, then that person would call someone else._

"_Jason Morgan, you know the mob boss, he just lost it in the ER in front of like fifty people. He was crying and ranting about some kid. I don't know, an Italian sounding name-Somelli or something. There was lots of blood- it was probably a hit. Yeah, I know, he can't even protect his own people. How pathetic is that? Who is this kid anyway?"_

_Eventually the ones that mattered heard and they came, they all came-for Jason, for Spinelli, for both of them. Jason and Spinelli were both unconscious, unaware of the full hallways, waiting rooms, even the chapel… _

_Maxie Jones__, in the chapel-her heart has moved up into her throat. Not Spinelli, he hadn't taken a call from her in weeks. She had been furious with him, missing him so much she cried. Now she knew for sure he had been sick that day. She should have made him let her in, but she had been so hurt by his attitude, his lack of welcome. Well, this was the same altar they had prayed at for Michael Corinthos and that had really worked out well, hadn't it? Yeah, right! God, she couldn't survive one more death, not the death of someone she loved. Well, of course he was Spinelli-impossible not to love. " _Love-_you idiot!" her soul screamed at her. "If there's no time you need to say it to him…" Well, that's just silly, of course there's time-lots of it, years and years-hasn't there always been? God, anything, absolutely anything… _

_Sam McCall__-she's not exactly there for Jason, though she could have been. Really, how could have she let his friendship slip through her fingers? She did that a lot forgot people-it had always been safer that way, less scary if you left them before they left you. Now Spinelli was leaving in the way that couldn't be fixed. To never see him light up again when she walked into a room-or was that Jason? One thing, she knew, she just knew that no one would ever again call her a goddess. Goddamn tears, so girly!_

_Diane Miller__-"You need to go away Max."_

"_Why are you so upset? It's just that little punk Spinelli, the boss will be glad once he's gone. Then maybe Jason will come back. I mean he's great with a computer and all that but he's such a wimp and it isn't like he's someone important." _

"_Mr. Giambatti, if I never see you again in my life it will be too soon!"_

"_I don't get it, why are you so furious? What did I say?"_

"_Not important! He's Damian Spinelli-Mr. Grasshopper. He always does the right thing and always worries that he doesn't know what that is. When the truth is that he could give lessons in doing the right thing. I'm a lawyer, I know the moral choice but I don't always practice it. He absolutely did, every time. I saw him do it over and over again. That young man humbled me. If he dies-the world will become a lesser, a darker place. Max, get out and don't ever come back…"_

_Lulu Spencer and Johnny Zacchara__-"He'll be fine Lulu."_

"_Spinelli's always there, Johnny. When I need him he comes. When I don't, he never minds. I think he loves me."_

"_I am sure he does, Lulu. Spinelli seems pretty good at finding the room in his heart to hold onto people even if they don't hold onto him. He's a good guy. I hope I get the chance to know him better."_

"_You will. Spinelli won't die. He knows how much people need him, how they care about him. You know he gave me this book of poems by William Blake and I've been reading them. They're great. I think I could have learned a lot from Spinelli. He's really smart, you know?"_

"_Well, you should just tell him that when you see him. I'll try and get to know him better myself. He's brave enough anyway."_

"_Spinelli, brave?"_

"_Yeah, Lulu, remember when he went in to rescue you when you were kidnapped? How about that time at the Metro Court when they were going to shoot you, unless he opened the safe?" He hadn't even been around during the hostage crisis but he was the one reminding her about Spinelli's efforts on her behalf. Didn't she know this stuff? It was her life after all He guessed Lulu just thought the world was made up of men who all were willing to do whatever it took to save her. Thinking about it realistically though, he could understand why she would see it that way_

_Carly and Jax__-"Have you seen Jason?"_

"_No, I just got some jumbled phone call from my secretary. Some friend of hers saw Jason bring Spinelli in, they were covered in blood. Then he had a meltdown and they sedated him."_

"_Yeah, I heard the same thing-sedating Jason! Wow, he must be hurting."_

"_Since he's probably the reason that Spinelli is lying near to death it seems only appropriate."_

"_Jason loves Spinelli; he would do anything to protect him."_

"_Yeah, anything except let him go that is. Besides, from what I've been hearing lately it's Spinelli that has had to take care of Jason, who has mostly been comatose with near alcohol poisoning."_

"_Things have been bad for him. He has been having problems Jax."_

"_Imagine that, there are problems in the life of a mob king-pin. Who would have guessed?"_

"_Why are you here if you can't stand anything about Jason?"_

"_Carly, get it through your thick skull, I am here for Spinelli. If he makes it through whatever this is, I am going to do my level best to get him away from Jason."_

"_Good luck with that, the Jackal is a loyal creature unlike some."_

_Don't talk about yourself that way Carly. After all, you're still here for Jason."_

_Claudia and Sonny Corinthos __-"Don't fuck with me Sonny! I'm staying until I hear what the deal is with Spinelli."_

"_I say you're my wife and you're coming home with me, rather than hanging around this place waiting on that little freak. If he dies we'll all be better off, especially Jason."_

_Claudia tossed her hair back glared at him and slapped him as hard as she could. She saw with satisfaction that her bangle had cut his lip._

"_What the hell did you do that for?" He ran his thumb across his bottom lip and was furious to see the resultant red streak._

"_I don't know Sonny, maybe because Jason wasn't here to do it instead. Too bad really because I imagine you'd be taking nutrition through a straw for the next six weeks if he were. If you ever again give me a cave man line about how I am your wife and I can or can't do this or that; I will have my father kill you. I doubt this many people will be at your funeral! Now, why don't you get the hell out? I don't believe there's one person in this hospital who thinks that you have any kind of claim to be here right now."_

_Kate Howard and Mike__-"Sonny, maybe you should leave. The people involved don't belong to you-not even Jason anymore."_

"_They belong to you though, Mike?"_

"_Spinelli does, he's like a grandson to me. He's the sweetest kid I know. It will kill a lot of people if he doesn't make it."_

"_I don't get it! I don't get how that little idiot…"_

"_Leave now, Michael, or I might do what Jason isn't here to do."_

_Diane Miller had been eavesdropping on the dueling father and son and getting more furious by the moment. "Marvelous idea, Mike. While you're recuperating Sonny, I'll be sure to send you a get well present. I would just love to sue you for slander and defamation of character on Mr. Spinelli's behalf."_

_Kate Howard had remained aloof from the entire discussion, until she was compelled to say something. "People are dying Sonny. You're not wanted and you can't see beyond your own petty grievances." She paused and turned to Claudia, "I am so glad that he's your problem now. Has anyone seen Maxie Jones?"_

_Coleman__-"Hey, I heard that something bad had happened to Spinelli. He's going to be okay right? I keep orange soda in stock just for him. I got used to having the dude around…"_

_Robin Scorpio, Patrick Drake, Nadine Crowell, & Epiphany Johnson_

"_So, they're sure…" Robin could hardly get it out_

"_Yes, we'll get official confirmation tomorrow. They'll run more tests, get more details such as how long and possible treatment options, but it's terminal." Patrick wished desperately he were uttering these words about some anonymous patient, not Damian Spinelli._

_Robin wearily dry washed her face with her hands. She had heard about the scene in the ER when Jason had brought in Spinelli. She couldn't begin to comprehend Jason behaving like that. "God, how are Jason-and Maxie-going to cope with this?"_

_Nadine said with indignation, "Jason, it's always Jason. __What about the rest of us, how are we going to cope? Spinelli was my first friend when I came to Port Charles. He was never anything but kind and generous and thoughtful."_

_Robin sighed, "It doesn't seem fair, he has the biggest heart I've ever seen."_

_Epiphany said somberly, "Things aren't fair. The good ones, we seem to only get them for so long…"_

_Nadine looked through the ICU window at Spinelli, who was so small and still amongst all the tubes and machines. "He's so thin."_

_Patrick said, "There's nothing more we can do tonight, Jason is out like a light. I actually have him in soft restraints because after the way he acted earlier, I don't know what he'll do when he wakes up. God, this is so messed up!"_

_Robin asked tentatively, even though she knew it wasn't his specialty. "There aren't any experimental therapies, treatments, anything?"_

"_Not for this, not at this stage-it's palliative care only"_

"_How long?"_

"_Weeks, a month at best."_

_Jason twitched uneasily in his drug induced sleep. He needed to find someth-someone, it was important. A chill coursed through him._

_Elizabeth Webber stood looking down at a sedated Jason Morgan, a cruel half smile on her lips. It looked like he was going to know what it was to lose the most precious thing he had, and this time it wouldn't be temporary. She fervently hoped it would destroy him. _


	2. Leaving

_Second Chances_

_2: Leaving_

_Robin was amazed at the number of people still in the hospital waiting area the following morning. There was Carly, Jax, Mike, Diane, Sam, Lulu, Johnny…she lost count. They were all scattered around drinking coffee, or napping awkwardly in the uncomfortable chairs or conversing in low tones. _

_She had felt guilty about leaving the previous afternoon but she needed to get home to Emma. Patrick had stayed overnight, sleeping in the on-call room. She smiled secretly to herself, she was starting to get used to having someone to rely on and trust in her life, someone she could share the load with-Emma, work, everything. She didn't know how to she used to exist without that in her life-a tag team-she hoped she never would have to find out._

_She rounded the corner to the ICU and her thoughts grew somber. Robin hated what would be coming soon-having to tell Jason about Spinelli. She didn't know how he would handle it, and if-this was a novel concept for her-he even could handle it. Everyone thought that Jason was devoid of feeling-that he was some kind of automaton. Yet, no one knew better than Robin herself how much Jason did feel, how much it cost him when someone he loved was in pain or danger. _

_After the accident when he had lost his memory, he still possessed one overriding emotion-he was angry, furious at the world, at his family, at life itself. He didn't know who he was or where he belonged. His family shocked by the accident had mourned the loss of their golden boy by refusing to believe that Jason was gone, that he couldn't recollect them or their plans for him. He was right in front of them all they had to do was to get him to remember, to make him remember. Instead, they lost him, he was so frustrated by their demands and requirements that he be this person he didn't recall, didn't even approximate. Finally, in an effort at self-preservation, he responded by rejecting his family outright. _

_That was when Sonny stepped in by offering Jason refuge and support... Eventually he molded the rage fueled youth into a precision killing machine and the "Stone Cold" persona was born. It wasn't a totally inaccurate reflection of Jason's new personality, but it wasn't all there was to him either. He still could and did love and care for others-in reality that was his Achilles heel-caring too much. _

_Jason wasn't inhuman, far from it, but his work and Sonny's demands had required him to do monstrous, soul killing things. Sonny was insulated from the world he forcefully dominated by the loyalty and fierceness of Jason who was the one sacrificed to it all and damaged almost irrevocably._

_Now Jason existed in isolation petrified that anyone he dared to care about would be hurt or killed. So, he pushed everyone away, fighting his own desires to be with Elizabeth, to be a father to Jake. Jason had to all intents and purposes shut himself down and Jake's kidnapping followed by Elizabeth's rejection had simply solidified his resolve._

_The single exception to Jason's emotional seclusion had been Damian Spinelli. He was his roommate, his confidant, his friend and his family. Sometimes Robin thought it was a connection between brothers and then suddenly it would switch-becoming a father son dynamic. Jason was practically incapable of openly expressing emotion but it was clear to anyone who knew him how much he cared about Spinelli. Robin knew that the simple truth was that Jason Morgan fiercely loved Damian Spinelli and would do absolutely anything for him _

"_Unfortunately," she sighed to herself, "This time around there is nothing to be done for Spinelli except to be there for him."_

_She stopped at the door of Spinelli's room. Without surprise she saw her cousin Maxie was sitting in a chair by his bed. Her right elbow was propped on the bed, her hand supporting her head which she had angled up to gaze forlornly at Spinelli's unconscious face. Her other hand was threaded through a maze of tubing, clasping Spinelli's unresponsive hand in hers. _

"_See I don't know how to do this Spinelli," her voice was raw and hoarse as though she had been talking for hours. "You ruined me. Before you, I went through life sowing destruction in my path and thinking it was my destiny, my right, my purpose on this planet. Georgie," now there was a break in her voice. Robin's eyes closed in unexpected anguish as a vision of her beloved cousin's face flashed across her mind's eye. _

"_She was the one that made the world a better place, was the smart one, the one that would have been perfect for you and you for her. Then she…died." A flash of sorrow shadowed her eyes but Maxie forged on-this wasn't about her sister it was about her own…heart. _

"_You were the only one that seemed to grieve for her in the same way I did, who missed her essence and the loss of her amazing future. Spinelli, you saw me as a person, a hurt, angry, abandoned person-rather than a spiteful bitch. No one except Robin and Mac thought of me that way and well, they're family they have to care about me."_

_Robin smiled wryly at her cousin's typically brutal dismissal of the love she and Mac bore for this contradictory, prickly, forthright, damaged young woman. Maxie had only ever believed in duty love, that is until the man lying in this bed had unexpectedly given her the gift of unconditional love. _

"_You brought me back to life and you also changed me. You christened me Maximista," her lips quirked in a reminiscent smile remembering the first day he had called her that. It was her very own Spinelli nickname or sobriquet as he had explained it to her. _

"_You showed me how to accept someone without reserve, without judgment, with forgiveness. It's like you," here she broke off her soliloquy to look up at his face with an awe-struck expression, "you're a saint…I mean," she continued, confused about what she was trying to say, "I know you're human just like the rest of us but something in you is so good, so pure and you shared that with me, with so many people here. You make me want to be a better person, to do the right thing."_

"_I need you Spinelli," she was crying, large tears overflowing her blue-gray eyes and trickling down her cheeks. Maxie sat up sniffling, still holding onto Spinelli's hand with her own while using her free hand to brush the tears off her face. _

"_You can't just start making me think that there is a future, that this world really isn't so bad, that maybe someday I'll be somebody…" she looked down at the bed and her voice was trembling, barely audible. "Somebody worthwhile-someone that would make Georgie and you proud." _

_Now she was frowning at him, "You can't dangle all that in front of me Spinelli and then just leave. I have had enough of people leaving me my whole life. They leave and I stay, I always stay and I am sick of it!" Maxie was practically wailing._

_Robin was there in an instant, wrapping her arms around Maxie and resting her chin on the top of Maxie's head. "Ssh, ssh, Maxie, just calm down."_

_Maxie turned and buried her head in Robin's waist, all the while her body was shaking with inconsolable sobs. "I can't bear it Robin! I can't bear it if Spinelli dies." She looked up at Robin, her face pale and tear streaked, everything about her proclaimed her emotional duress, her exhaustion. _

"_I mean it Robin. I know people say it, I know I've said it…but this time, I think it's really true. If he goes…" Maxie twisted around to look at Spinelli as though anytime she wasn't staring directly at him he would take it as his cue to expire. "I think he's the one-Spinelli. If I lose him, I think something in me would finally break and then whether I was here or not-it just wouldn't matter."_

_Robin was appalled by Maxie's words. They hadn't been said with anger or sadness but with a matter of fact calmness. Maxie had a gift of seeing the truth in a person, a situation, someone's behavior and her own was no exception. _

_During her short life, Maxie had been abandoned so often-people either physically left her or they died. Even the very heart that beat in Maxie's chest was a reminder of one of those bereavements. It had occurred when she was a tiny little girl with a life threatening heart condition. She wasn't the one that died though-instead it was her cousin BJ. So, Maxie had inherited her heart and with it a life long conviction that everyone, absolutely everyone, left her sooner or later while it was her curse to survive no matter what. _

_Life hadn't done much to help disprove Maxie's theory of her destructive impact on those that she cared about. Here once again was proof positive-Spinelli was poised to leave her. The difference was that this time Maxie wasn't expecting to continue on, this one, this death would be different-in one form or another it would claim two victims. _

"_Three," Robin thought to herself grimly, "Jason won't be able to cope either."_

_Maxie turned back to Spinelli, ready to take up her previous position, to continue her one-sided dialogue in her failing voice. Robin spoke gently, "Maxie, you're totally worn out. You can't help Spinelli if you're sick or on a heart monitor. You need to get some rest and something to eat. You can see him later."_

"_Is there going to be a later, Robin?" she asked it warily, needing to know but scared to hear any answer except the one she wanted._

"_Yes," Robin spoke assuredly, not ready to delve far into the future or the specifics of Spinelli's condition. "He will wake up, you will get to see him, talk to him. As a matter of fact, that's why you should rest now. You should keep his schedule-sleep when he sleeps, be awake when he's awake-that's when he'll need you."_

_Maxie nodded her head in resignation. She saw the truth, the common sense in what her cousin was saying. No one was more rational, more grounded than Dr. Robin Scorpio. Pushing herself stiffly up from her chair she leaned over Spinelli and tousled his thick, unkempt hair. "I'm going for a while, Doctor's orders. I won't be gone long and when I come back it will be your turn to talk…There's so much to say." She pressed her forehead to his and whispered, "Stay, for me, please…"_

_Robin put her arm around Maxie's waist and propelled her firmly towards the door. Maxie looked backwards at Spinelli. All the while she was moving away, she was fighting herself. She was trying so hard not to break free of Robin's grasp, to not dash back and climb into bed with him, to shake him, make him respond, wake him up, and most importantly-make him live again. _

_Monica Quartermaine looked down at her beloved son's face. She had never thought to have an opportunity like this again in her life. Her beautiful boy, her only remaining child-she gazed at him as he slept and for this space of time he was once again Jason Quartermaine. His whole future stretched ahead-filled with hope and happiness. She reached out a hesitant hand wanting to run a finger down his cheek, to touch him, to be affectionate-all the things that had been denied her for almost two decades._

_It was already over. Ice blue eyes regarded her with confusion. "Monica...what?" He looked around immediately recognizing the sterile and hated confines of a hospital room. Then he was fighting the wrist restraints pulling against them like a trapped animal. "Take them off, let me out of them!" He was furious, panicked._

_Agitated Monica stood up. She tried to be soothing, to call on a maternal connection that was only tenuous at best. "Jason, just settle down. You're fine, they just sedated you…" It had absolutely no effect as he continued to struggle, wild-eyed._

"_Jason!" the voice was like a whip-crack. Monica looked up astonished, she had no idea that Patrick Drake could sound like that. "If you stop, if you calm down then we can remove the restraints. If you continue this way-well, that's what they are there for." Patrick's voice was back to its usual placid tones._

_It had worked. The initial command combined with a reasoned appeal had tapped into Jason's formidable reservoir of self-control. The transformation was almost immediate. The only indication of his recent distress was his heaving chest. Otherwise, his face was once more set in unreadable planes and his eyes were shielded against unwanted intrusions. _

_The two men stared at one another for a moment while Monica stood by forgotten. Sometimes, she wished that her son would actually hate her rather than only seeming to feel the dutiful affection that he directed her way upon occasion. She loved him so much, so strongly-he was the one person left in her universe that was hers while he barely acknowledged her claim upon him. He was kind, considerate, even thoughtful when they met. Yet, he was adamant about excluding her from his life-that baleful, despised existence that had stolen her son from her. She wished sometimes she could stop loving him but how did one stop a biologic imperative?_

"_You said you would undo them," Jason's voice was hoarse as he looked unblinkingly at Patrick._

"_I will, but you have to promise no more outbursts that put yourself, the staff, or the patients in this hospital at risk."_

_Jason's eyes narrowed as he tried to comprehend what Patrick was talking about. His face suddenly blanched as he remembered, "Spinelli! Where is he? I need to see him NOW!" He was bellowing and straining against the restraints once again. All his hard won self-control had completely vanished. _

_Monica stepped back actually frightened. She was unable to believe that this was the same stoic, unreachable Jason Morgan that she had grown used to seeing wear her son's face. _

"_He's here," Patrick had stepped up to the bed and was talking in low measured tones unwilling to raise his voice, to get into a fight with Jason. "Spinelli's here in the hospital. He's down in the ICU." _

_Jason was still twisting against the soft cuffs pinning his arms to the bed railings but he had stopped yelling, wanting to hear what Patrick was saying, frantic for news of his brother. "I want to see him," he said raggedly, desperation and pleading overlapping in his tone. "Please, Patrick, he needs me to be there, Spinelli needs me…"_

"_I know," Patrick agreed, "He does need you. He needs you to be what you always are for him-his rock, his mentor, someone to rely on. Right now Jason, Spinelli needs you more than you can imagine. So, calm down and prove to me that you can stay relaxed and I will take off the restraints." It was the exact same deal he had offered Jason a moment ago._

_This time it wasn't so easy. Jason had to fight to regain his composure and it was only a weak façade at best. One look at his eyes showed unbearable pain and distress as he tried to rein in his emotions. "Patrick, is he okay, will he be all right?"_

_Patrick hesitated and looked over at Monica registering her presence for the first time. Jason followed his eyes and saw his Mother standing there. "Monica, you tell me, how is he, how is Spinelli?"_

_Monica closed her eyes and sighed, she couldn't do this. She couldn't watch Jason fall apart over some young man that wasn't even related to him when he couldn't even show the same range of emotions for his dead father or sister. She looked at him and said sadly, "I don't know Jason, I wasn't following his case. I was here for my son, to help you…"_

_Jason turned away from her, dismissing her as irrelevant because she didn't have the information he wanted. Her heart broke, as it had so often before, while her son once again chose a stranger, an outsider over his family. Without another word, Monica Quartermaine put up her own familiar steel barrier that blocked the prying eyes of the world and left her son's hospital room. Her departure went unnoticed by the two men._

"_Spinelli's doctor is on rounds right now but he will be coming by his room shortly to discuss his case with family members." Patrick knew that Jason would do whatever he had to in order to be there. _

"_Why aren't you and Robin his doctors?" Jason was puzzled, uneasy. He didn't want Spinelli's health, maybe his life, in the hand of strangers._

"_We are consulting and being kept informed about Spinelli's case but neither of us is his primary physician." Patrick sighed, he wasn't going to have this conversation just yet. "Jason," he hoped to divert him, "I have some scrubs here since I don't suppose you want to wander the hospital in a gown."_

"_My clothes…" Jason began and then realized that his clothes had probably ended up in an incinerator somewhere. "Whatever, take these off so I can go see Spinelli and talk to his doctor."_

_Patrick took one final look into Jason's eyes and what he saw in them seemed to satisfy him that Jason had regained a reasonable amount of control. Reaching down he undid the fabric restraints and stepped back startled as Jason whipped up and grabbed him by the front of his own scrubs. "You ever think about doing something like that to me again and you will regret it. Clear?" _

_Patrick plainly heard the unmistakable promise in the soft words. "Clear." He didn't take his eyes away from Jason's and after a moment he was released. "I'll wait outside for you. Here," he threw a bottle of water at Jason who caught it without thinking, "You'll need this, you're probably dehydrated."_

_Jason gulped down the water, he had been parched. He dressed in the scrubs and was out in the hall striding away from Patrick before he realized what had happened. They rode the elevator down in silence, each man occupied with his own unpleasant thoughts._

_Carly Corinthos Jax stepped out of the elevator onto the penthouse floor of the Harbor View Towers. She had grown restless waiting at the hospital to see Jason. Carly was a person born to action, when faced with a problem she never thought, she simply reacted and the result of this headstrong rush often made matters worse. Regardless of what the outcome ever was, good or bad-and it was seldom the former, Carly simply couldn't help herself. She had a very steep learning curve and it had cost her more than she had ever intended to pay._

_When Carly or someone she loved was wounded, her first and foremost reaction was to lash out-verbally or physically-it made absolutely no difference. Her only goal was to pay back the person who had caused the hurt. She never seemed to recognize that her revenge sooner or later invariably rebounded right back onto her. Beyond a split second of satisfaction, she seldom was ever truly happier as a result. Carly's inability to understand herself with any true perceptiveness was her tragic flaw._

_Jason was one of the handful of people in the world that she loved heart and soul, theirs was a bond forged over decades. It was a messy connection that had been strained to its breaking point too many times to count, but it had always managed to hold because they both needed and trusted one another. They could recognize the darkness in each other and this kinship forged an immutable bond._

_Carly hated that Jason was in so much pain over Spinelli. She wanted desperately to do something, to fix it, to make it right. Her feelings weren't even exclusively focused on Jason; she cared about Spinelli as well. His was a gentle soul that had been steamrolled by the Carly express many times. Yet, he had never objected, never tried to do anything but help her. She wasn't sure whether he did it for her or because of Jason, but he had always been kind to her. Spinelli had even bestowed one of his nicknames upon her. He called her the Valkyrie in reference to the fearless way she always waded into battle. _

_Now he was fighting for his life and the doctors didn't seem to have any answers or any hope to offer. It tore her up inside to think of what Jason was enduring while he had to watch Spinelli in such danger and be unable to do anything to fix it. _

_Carly felt helpless and it was the most hated feeling in the world. She had done the best she could at the hospital, sitting quietly with the ill-assorted group of people waiting for news. It was a testament to the caring that Spinelli and Jason aroused in people that such a gathering could take place without it deteriorating into fighting-once Sonny left that is. _

_Carly had finally had enough. There hadn't been any information and was unlikely to be any until Jason told them something. She had heard the story (who in town hadn't?) of Jason bringing Spinelli in the both of them covered in blood. Carly knew Jason well. She understood how vulnerable he would be feeling as he dealt with his overwhelming concern for Spinelli within the confines of the despised hospital environment. The least she could do was go to his place and get him some clothes in order to provide him with a thin layer of armor against all he would have to tolerate._

_As she left the elevator she looked down at the call button and a shiver of revulsion went up her spine as she saw the bloody handprint on it. "It was only yesterday," she had to remind herself, it seemed an eternity ago._

_She had another shock when she went towards the penthouse and realized that the door was wide open. That was so unlike a security conscious Jason that she actually took a step back, all the while looking around for signs of danger. Carly sighed as she recognized that the open door was just how Jason had left it in his rush to get help for Spinelli. She was beginning to be immersed in the immediacy and panic that had overtaken Jason, his fear still seemed to hang in the air, it was almost tangible. _

_Carly walked over to the door and cautiously pushed it open. She was beginning to feel anxious. It was so silent she could hear her heart racing. At first glance, the living room looked perfectly normal, everything neatly in its place and then she looked at the carpet. Embedded deep in the fibers were a series of bloody footprints the result of the combined weights of Jason and Spinelli as he rushed his brother out. Reluctantly, she started up the stairs, avoiding further bloody footprints and a single stark handprint on the wall where Jason had steadied himself against it. Carly swallowed she was beginning to feel nauseous. _

_She reached the top of the stairs and was just reaching for the door knob to Jason's room when Sam McCall stepped out of Spinelli's room. Both women simultaneously shrieked and jumped._

"_Carly, you scared me to death!"_

"_Sam, what the hell are you doing here?"_

_Sam was carrying a bucket full of red water and it had tilted and sloshed onto the carpet when she had been startled by Carly. "Oh God," Sam groaned, she had only been trying to help, to try and clean up before Jason came home and faced the raw proof of Spinelli's mortality. Now, looking at the spreading red stain on the carpet she realized she had made things worse or at least Carly had. Sam looked up ready to yell at her adversary, the woman who had always done her utmost to separate Jason and her during their time together. One look at Carly's stricken face caused all the angry words on the tip of her tongue to retract unsaid. _

"_Is that…that's where it happened?" Carly hadn't once though about the fact that Spinelli had to have been in extremis for Jason to have acted as he did, to have lost his famed composure in such an absolute way. She shuddered, part of her didn't want to know, just wanted to go get Jason's clothes and leave Sam to continue the cleaning up, though now it was clear that the carpet would have to be replaced. Another part, felt a macabre draw towards the sight that had almost cost Jason his sanity and, from all accounts, Spinelli his life. She took a hesitant step down the hall towards Sam and the spreading rust colored pool of water._

"_Carly," Sam warned, "It's not pretty." _

_Perhaps it was the challenge, the fact that her old rival was fundamentally stating that she, Carly Jax, was too much of a wimp to deal with what Sam had seen and tackled without turning tail, without vomiting. Or perhaps she had to see what Jason had seen so as to truly understand what he was going through. The reason didn't matter, she was going to look._

_Sam sighed and stepped aside, Carly was the most pigheaded woman she had ever met and she simply didn't have the time or energy to follow through on her impulse to save her from herself. She only hoped she would manage to keep her stomach contents intact, Sam didn't know if she could deal with all the blood and Carly's vomit-there were limits._

_Carly walked timidly into Spinelli's room and towards the bathroom. The door was wide open and she stopped stunned, the room looked like a giant toddler had gone crazy finger painting in large swirls of red. There was dried blood everywhere within a several foot radius of the toilet-it was on the walls, the sink, the toilet and most especially the floor. Carly felt faint, she never fainted but right now she seriously considered giving into the lightheadedness and the spots that had appeared in front of her eyes. _

"_Uh, Uh! No, you don't!" Sam stepped up behind Carly, and caught her as she swayed. She lifted Carly's limp arm across her shoulders while she draped her other arm around her waist and half dragged and half supported her over to Spinelli's bed. _

_Sam unceremoniously released Carly who fell back onto the bed and looked up at the white ceiling, she had no interest in letting her eyes wander to the pink walls of the room. She knew they would only bring back visions of the pink smears in the bathroom where Sam had been cleaning and if that happened it was quite possible she would throw up. _

"_Sam," her voice was hoarse; all enmity between the two of them seemed suddenly distant and trivial. "How can he still be alive?"_

_Sam shook her head, she entirely comprehended the incredulity in Carly's voice, "I don't know, I really don't. I can't imagine what it must have been like for Jason." She sat down next to Carly, her shoulders slumped. "Spinelli…going," she simply couldn't manage to say or even think-dying. "How will he survive it?"_

_After a pause, Carly said bleakly, "I'm not sure he will."_

_Jason halted outside Spinelli's room. His throat constricted as he looked at all the machines clustered around the bed, each one with tubes and wires running to and, in some cases, into the still figure lying on the bed. Jason could identify certain items-the blood pressure cuff, the EKG leads, the oxygen cannulae, and the bags of blood that were pumping life sustaining fluid into Spinelli's vessels. There were other bags of fluid as well that he presumed contained nutrition and drugs. He swallowed and tried to convince himself that with all that going on there was no way Spinelli wouldn't or couldn't-get better. _

_Jason turned towards Patrick, their earlier dispute entirely forgotten in their common concern for Spinelli. "How is he?" _

_It seemed such a trivial, futile question to encompass such an enormous matter. Yet, Jason could only ask things in small controlled amounts, anything more and the dam that was holding back his devastation would break again and this time he knew he might be washed away with it. That simply couldn't be allowed to happen. He knew he needed to be here for Spinelli, to get him through this, to make sure he survived. _

_Patrick looked at Jason, uncertain what to say. He wished he could give him comfort and tell him that Spinelli would be fine but not only wasn't it the truth, it wouldn't be supported by the events of the days to follow. He decided to answer in a superficial manner and wait for Spinelli's primary physician to discuss the situation more thoroughly. _

"_He's stable but critical. We have been transfusing him since yesterday-he's on his fifth unit of blood. He is anemic and we may soon give him an iron transfusion as well. He is severely malnourished and for now we have him on dextrose to get some immediate nutrition into him. We've given him an anti-emetic to prevent further vomiting and a pain killer to relieve any discomfort. We had him on a mild sedative to make sure he rested through the night but we would like him to wake up soon so we can assess his condition and run further tests."_

_Jason's head spun as he tried to absorb everything Patrick had said. He turned to look at Spinelli, "I want to sit with him. Will you call me when his doctor comes? That will be soon, right?" _

_His cold gaze dared Patrick to answer the last question with anything but an affirmative. Jason was sure there were lots of patients in the hospital that needed care and attention and other families who also wanted to speak to their loved one's physician. Absolutely none of that mattered to him. His entire focus had compressed down to solely encompass a bed in an ICU room-he refused to even contemplate losing the occupant of that bed. So, the rest of the world better damn well feel the same way or he would show them what he could do about it._

"_Yes, it shouldn't be long. I'll page him if he doesn't show up soon." Patrick wished he could pat Jason on the shoulder or say something reassuring but he knew better._

_Jason was no longer aware of Patrick, his full attention was on Spinelli and he stepped into the room ready to do whatever was required to bring his beloved brother back to him. As Jason looked at Spinelli he could feel some of his anxiety ebbing away. His roommate actually looked better than he had yesterday. His complexion was entirely too pale but it was no longer grey and his eyes seemed less sunken. His cheekbones were still overly prominent and his arms too thin but he seemed to be resting comfortably for the moment. _

"_Maybe there was a competent doctor or two in the hospital," Jason grudgingly allowed._

_He sat down by the bed and, just as Maxie had done earlier, he carefully threaded his hand through all the tubing to hold Spinelli's hand. It was cool, almost cold to the touch and Jason clasped it in both of his hands trying to share both his touch and his warmth with the young man. He looked at Spinelli's unconscious face silently willing him to wake so he could see those intense green eyes shining with good will and intelligence._

_After a while, he started to speak softly. It wasn't that Jason usually yelled or even raised his voice. He frequently spoke quietly but his tone was often rough with anger or menace and had been known to intimidate even the most hardened of mercenaries. Most people never heard Jason speak the way he was talking to Spinelli. His voice was gentle, caring, and loving and his heart was on full display._

"_I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. You were sick and you couldn't come to me because of the way I was acting. I should have seen how much weight you had lost, how you weren't eating…" He closed his eyes. Self-loathing and guilt were warring for supremacy in his soul. "Instead, you picked up after me and you never said a word-not even the night I pushed you." Jason had tears in his eyes as he thought about when he had shoved this frail young man in a drunken rage. _

"_Yet, that wasn't enough, I didn't stop drinking or feeling sorry for myself even then… You probably hate me and I can't blame you if you do. Spinelli," Jason brought his imprisoned hand up to his cheek, wanting to feel contact with him, the reassurance that he was still alive, that there was still hope, a future. "Just come back, get better, get stronger and I will make it up to you. I promise I will never take you for granted again. I won't drink." _

_He smiled sadly, "You've cured me of ever taking another drink. I think if I ever did, I would just remember the bathroom where I found you and well…" He couldn't go there now but he knew, he absolutely knew, that his dreams wouldn't let him forget the horror he had experienced. Still, that was all right by him because remembering seemed like the least of the punishments he deserved. _

"_The truth is," the tears were running down his cheeks now and falling on their intermingled hands. "You're the most important person in my world. I trust you, I rely on you, you keep me grounded…" He ran his tongue over his dry lips and plunged ahead, "I love you, you're my family and I can't lose you. Please, come back to me. I don't know how to do it without you anymore."_

_There wasn't any response. The only sound in the room came from the quiet mechanisms of the machines surrounding the bed. Jason, sat there holding his brother's hand, tears drying unobserved on his cheek. He silently willed Spinelli to live so that he wouldn't have to face an unimaginable future without him. _

_There was a soft tap on the door and Jason looked up to see Patrick standing there. "Spinelli's doctor is here."_

_Jason gently put down Spinelli's hand, "I'll just be outside."_

_He walked out into the hallway and saw a medium sized dark skinned man with a moustache and glasses waiting with Patrick. "Jason, this is Dr. Mathur, he's an oncologist-he works with cancer patients."_

"_I know what an oncologist is," Jason said impatiently, he disliked the fact that people always seemed to mix brain damage and stupidity up together. "Spinelli has cancer?" He addressed Dr. Mathur directly._

"_Yes," the doctor replied somberly as he took off his glasses revealing dark circles under tired eyes. He rubbed his eyes wearily and replacing the glasses looked at Jason. "Mr. Spinelli has an advanced case of stomach cancer."_

_Jason was stunned, it made absolute sense paired with the symptoms-the loss of weight, the vomiting, even the blood-but still stomach cancer? "You're sure?" He hated the beseeching tone in his voice as though he could beg Spinelli's way out of an unwanted diagnosis._

"_Yesterday we did a gastroscopic examination of Mr. Spinelli. It involved putting a tube down his esophagus and into his stomach. There was a camera attached to the tube and we had a visual view of the stomach that leads us to strongly believe that he has cancer. We also took tissue samples for biopsy purposes. As soon as those results are back we will have positive confirmation of a cancer diagnosis. There are additional tests to be run in order to determine certain aspects of Mr. Spinelli's condition. In my opinion, the fundamental diagnosis is sound and will be supported by the biopsy results."_

"_Aspects of his condition?" Jason queried, this is what he hated about doctors, their inability to say things plainly, their tendency to always hold their cards close to the vest. Well, he wouldn't let them get away with that bullshit around him, not when it came to Spinelli's health. _

"_Yes, we need to determine the precise stage of the cancer though we already know that it's advanced. We also have to see if there has been any metastasis-that is…"_

"_Spreading of the cancer." Jason finished his sentence for him. He was getting more and more irritated at the doublespeak and condescension of the specialist._

"_Yes, that's correct. Mr. Morgan are you at all familiar with stomach cancer?" Dr. Mathur seemed unperturbed by Jason's hostility, it was simply a job-related hazard to him. _

"_No," Jason admitted brusquely._

"_It's not a common cancer-especially in the United States. It occurs with more frequency in Oriental countries and it is thought there may be a dietary connection. Stomach cancer affects more males than females because the hormone estrogen seems to be protective. Also, a strongly linked or causative factor seems to the presence of the _Helicobacter pylori _which is the bacteria that causes stomach ulcers._

_Jason interrupted the endless flow of information to interject, "Spinelli has stomach ulcers?"_

"_More than likely, we are testing his blood to see in we can find the presence of antibodies to the bacteria. At this stage as badly compromised as his stomach is, the ulceration would be overwhelmed by the trauma caused by the cancer. You should also be checked for the infection of the bacteria since you live with Mr. Spinelli and it is a contagious condition. A round of antibiotics should remove the organisms if they are indeed present."_

"_Never mind about me, what about treatments for Spinelli?"_

_Dr. Mathur regarded Jason gravely over the top of his glasses. "Stomach cancer is insidious Mr. Morgan. In its early stages it's asymptomatic and by the time signs and symptoms appear it tends to be advanced. In Mr. Spinelli's case I would hazard a guess that for quite a while now he has been feeling ill-not eating, losing weight, throwing up?"_

_Jason felt ashamed as he heard the questioning tone in the doctor's voice, the realization that his inattentiveness, his self-involvement had made the situation worse. "Yes," he said in a guilt choked voice, "All that is true and I didn't notice. I was too busy being a self-destructive bastard and expecting Spinelli to take care of me to see how sick he had gotten…"_

_The self-abasement in his voice was plain to both doctors. "So," his icy gaze was fixed back on the oncologist's face, "What are you going to do to make Spinelli better?"_

"_Mr. Morgan," he hated this part of his job, "Stomach cancer is not easily treatable. In some cases all or part of the stomach can be surgically removed but not when there has been metastasis which I fully expect to be the case for Mr. Spinelli,"_

"_Then what else?" Jason rasped out, "There has to be something."_

_Doctor Mathur sighed, it had been a long shift and it wasn't ending anytime soon, "There's radiation for the stomach and chemotherapy for the systemic spread of the cancer but it comes with extreme side effects and little guarantee of effectiveness."_

_Jason simply couldn't believe what he was hearing. This wasn't supposed to be how it was. He had gotten Spinelli to the hospital-he looked better-now they were supposed to fix him. There really wasn't any other alternative he was going to consider, or could even face. "Then we do that-the chemotherapy, the radiation." His voice was definitive, allowing no disagreement._

"_Jason," Patrick felt he had to intervene, "Spinelli is an adult and he isn't related to you. The treatment decisions are his to make."_

_Jason looked at Patrick and said in an even voice, "Spinelli will do what I ask him to do."_

_Patrick knew that what Jason said was probably true. Spinelli worshipped Jason and if he asked him to undergo a difficult treatment regimen with little chance of success he would do it. The two doctors exchanged concerned glances. They had often seen the bullying effects of family members petrified of losing loved ones. It was hard to combat. Patrick recognized that if he were in Jason's situation, if Robin were lying in that bed, he too would probably grasp at any chance no matter how slim to save her. _

_As if sensing something, Jason turned around at looked back at Spinelli. His eyes were fluttering and his hands were moving weakly. In an instant, Jason was next to him. "Hey, Spinelli," his voice was gentle, "It's Jason, can you hear me?"_

"_Jason?" he was disoriented, his eyes unfocused as he looked up at his mentor._

"_Yes, I'm right here. You're in the hospital." He had grasped his hand again and was drinking in the sight of his brother alive and awake._

"_Spinelli?" Patrick asked, "Do you remember what happened?_

_Spinelli looked vaguely around the room. His glance took in the equipment, the iv line, Jason and the two doctors. "I was at the Penthouse," he began hesitantly, "then Jason came home and I don't remember anything after that…"_

"_Mr. Spinelli," it was Dr. Mathur, "You had an episode, you bled out. You're stable for the moment but your condition is serious."_

_Jason glared at the doctor, he could see by the expression on Spinelli's face that he was confused but that there was also a faint tinge of fear in reaction to what the he had just been told. "It's okay," he told him, trying to soothe his brother, "Everything is going to be all right. You'll be fine." _

_It didn't work, it sounded artificial to everyone in the room and Spinelli could hear the underlying panic in Jason's voice and that made it worse because Stone Cold never got scared. He needed to know what was wrong with him since it was only with all the facts available that he could understand the undercurrents, the reason for the tension in the room._

"_Patrick," he turned to the doctor he knew and who he felt would tell him the truth unlike Jason who only wanted to protect him. He instinctively understood that whatever was wrong with him, and something had been wrong for a long time, it shouldn't be hidden from him. He needed information in order to decide what to do. "What's wrong with me?"_

_Patrick looked over at Dr. Mathur asking for his tacit permission to answer and received a nod to go ahead. "Spinelli, you have stomach cancer. We need to perform some more tests to get a complete picture of your condition but the diagnosis isn't good."_

_Stomach cancer-it fit every single thing that had been occurring over the last six weeks. Cancer, even with all the modern treatment options available it still was a stark, fearsome word. He closed his eyes briefly and then asked "What can you do to treat it?" _

_He felt Jason's grip on his hand intensify, it was so strong it caused him to wince in pain. Spinelli knew at that moment it was bad, that he might not survive and Jason knew it too. He looked up at his face and saw all the pain and helplessness in those eyes that had never been icy or hard when directed towards him. He hadn't totally absorbed the news with regard to himself but he desperately wished that he could fix this for Jason, to take away the terrible hurt that he saw in his expression. He never knew until that moment that his existence on this planet meant anything much to anyone. He hated finding out this way, not now when it looked doubtful that he would even have a future._

_It was Jason, rather than the doctors that responded. "There's treatment, chemotherapy and radiation-they'll make you better." His voice was strange. It was as though he was trying to convince himself along with Spinelli._

_Dr. Mathur cut in, "Mr. Spinelli, I am Dr. Mathur an oncologist and I have been assigned your case. We can't discuss treatment options with any certainty until we have run a CT scan and seen what the situation is with the cancer in regard to other parts of your body."_

"_You mean whether or not the cancer has metastasized?" _

_Taken aback at the immediate comprehension of his new patient, the Doctor nodded his head. "Yes, we use the occurrence and degree of metastasis to stage the cancer and determine the best course of treatment."_

"_So, as Stone Cold said that would be radiation and chemotherapy?" There was something off here, a difference of opinion between the doctors and Jason and he thought it didn't bode well for him._

"_Stone Cold?" Dr. Mathur was puzzled, was the patient disoriented? _

"_That's what Spinelli calls Jason," Patrick smiled down at the young man, wishing the anxiety he saw in his face wasn't justified._

_Giving Jason a peculiar look as he thought to himself how apt a nickname it was, Dr. Mathur continued, "There can be no definitive determinations made about the treatment regimen until the biopsy returns and we get the result of the CT scan. The efficacy of chemotherapy and radiation are dependent on the degree of spread as well as your ability to undergo it. I just need you to be prepared for all possible eventualities…"_

"_Including death?" Spinelli didn't know how else to phrase it. There was a distinctly morbid elephant in the room and everyone seemed intent on ignoring it._

"_No!" Jason couldn't help himself, "You aren't going to die. It isn't going to happen." Spinelli's hand was becoming numb as it continued to absorb the fluctuations of Jason's emotional shifts._

"_Why don't we run the tests and get the results and finish this discussion at that time?" Dr. Mathur was trying to resolve a difficult impasse._

"_He'll have the treatments. He's going to recover." Jason was now a fervent acolyte of denial._

"_Jason," Patrick tried to intercede, wanting to be an advocate for the most important person in the room-the patient. "Spinelli gets a say in this. It's his body, his health, his…life."_

_Tiredly, but with resolution, Spinelli offered up the only gift he could give Jason at this juncture-hope. "The Jackal will have any and all treatments that could potentially sustain his existence on this temporal plane."_

_Dr. Mathur thought he must be so worn-out he was hearing things-the jackal? Shaking his head, he focused on the topic at hand. "Mr. Spinelli, it isn't a good idea…"_

_Spinelli shook his head firmly, he could outmatch Jason in stubbornness when it was called for. "I understand your reservations and concerns Dr. Mathur. We can revisit the situation when called for but for now it is settled, I will undergo the treatments regardless of degree of efficacy or compounding side effects. The Jackal is clear on all aspects of his decision."_

_Dr. Mathur sighed and acknowledged defeat for the moment. In his opinion the treatments, at least the chemotherapy, would possibly prolong the young man's life but would negatively impact its quality. All that they had bought was time but short of a miracle the outcome would still be the same._

"_Mr. Spinelli, if you are set upon this course we need to discuss nutrition. Obviously, your stomach is compromised and can't take food and digest it. As it is, we currently have you on an anti-emetic to prevent the reflex to vomit. Right now we have you on an intravenous drip," he gestured at one of the clear bags. "Obviously you will need more sustained and substantial nutrition both to live and to combat the effects of the chemotherapy. This requires the installation of a PEG tube for the delivery of nutrients. Ordinarily we would put such a feeding tube in the stomach but in your case…" Wearily he continued, "It is possible to bypass the stomach and place the PEG tube in your small intestine. If you are set upon a course of chemotherapy and radiation treatments then we should get the PEG tube in as soon as possible."_

_It was all happening so fast. He hadn't even been awake ten minutes and he had to grapple with intimations of mortality, volunteer to undergo a debilitating and probably futile set of chemotherapy treatments, and now they wanted to insert a feeding tube. Spinelli swallowed, he could do this, for Stone Cold he could do this. "As soon as possible then," he said it quietly, trying to hide his fear. _

_His reward was the release of the death grip Jason had on his hand. He looked up at him and saw relief shining through his suspiciously bright eyes. "Stone Cold crying-not possible!" The thought only existed for a fragile moment and was dismissed out of hand._

_Dr. Mathur sighed in resignation, "I'll make arrangements then. The orderlies will be by in a few minutes to take you for the scan and the insertion procedure." He left the room, feeling that today he had not managed to serve the best interests of a very ill young man. _

_Patrick walked over to the side of the bed opposite to where Jason stood. "Spinelli, Dr. Mathur he's your primary physician because of the cancer. Robin and I have signed on as your consulting doctors. If there's anything you need, any questions you have, just have us paged and one of us will be here as soon as possible."_

_Spinelli smiled up at him, "The Jackal thanks you and Dr. Scorpio for taking such an active interest in his health deficits. He will indeed call upon you if there is any item that needs elucidation. He prefers to question those that he knows and trusts though he is sure that Dr. Mathur is a worthwhile and competent physician."_

"_He is Spinelli. He is the best and he will do everything possible to help you through this." Patrick was serious now as he looked down at him. "I'm sorry all this is happening…" It was impossible to know what to say in a situation like this without sounded trite or insincere._

"_Life__ is short and the art long_._" Spinelli said with a wry smile as he dared Patrick to catch his allusion._

"_Hippocrates," Patrick said his heart breaking a little at the young man's brave insouciance. "Did you give me that one because I 'm a doctor?"_

"_The Jackal has a million of them-one for every occasion." _

_His grin and the bright glow in his green eyes caused Jason's heart to constrict. He was both jealous and glad that Patrick had comprehended whatever Spinelli was talking about. He had always been in awe of the formidable intelligence of his protégé. He had never understood why he didn't value his own amazing abilities instead of always wanting to emulate Jason. _

"_Well, I've got things to do. I'll see you later, remember-anything, anytime." Patrick left and now it was just the two of them. _

"_Spinelli," Jason couldn't hold it back any longer, the guilt was eating at him. "This is all because of me, you were sick and I couldn't take my head out of a bottle long enough to notice. If I had seen how it was. If I had taken you to a doctor, we could have caught this earlier…" He was miserable and afraid of even looking at his brother, at seeing the accusation in his eyes._

"_Jason, look at me." It was said kindly but firmly and Jason complied. What he saw in Spinelli's eyes was much worse to bear than anger or condemnation-it was love. "You didn't cause this and you were in pain. For once in your life you gave into the pressures all around you and I wanted to be there for you, to help you. I knew I was sick, I ignored it too. This isn't your fault it's just a fact of biology."_

_Jason closed his eyes and shook his head in negation, "I'm supposed to look after you and I can't even be bothered to tell when you're seriously ill."_

"_We look after each other and you're here now. I can't do this without you." Blue eyes met green and an understanding of absolution sought and freely given was reached. Jason swallowed and pulled up a chair to sit with Spinelli while they waited. _

_Maxie was strangely happy, as happy as you can be when the man you love is lying in a hospital bed hooked up to all manner of equipment and fluids all of it with the single goal of keeping him alive. She knew, at least her subconscious did, that Spinelli's condition was critical perhaps even fatal but she was just so relieved that he was still alive, she hadn't been sure he would be the next time she came by. He was sleeping again but at least for the moment she had him to herself-no nurses, doctors, or even Jason. It was just Spinelli and Maxie._

_Maxie, at Robin's insistence, had taken a long nap. Then she had forced herself to eat something, she had no idea what, it had all tasted liked cardboard. Maxie knew that it was going to be a long and difficult journey with Spinelli and she was determined to keep her own strength up so she could be there for him every step of the way._

_While she had been away from him she had decided that she would tell him that she loved him the first chance she got. Maxie thought that perhaps such a declaration was exactly what Spinelli needed to hear in order to rally him to win this fight. _

_When she had initially returned to his room, the only occupant had been a very morose and extremely, even for him, uncommunicative Jason. He told her that Spinelli had been taken for tests and a procedure and then he began to stalk back and forth through the room while Maxie sat in a chair and tried not be overwhelmed by desolation. She found herself observing Jason at first covertly and then more openly as she found he was oblivious to her scrutiny._

_Maxie hadn't seen much of Spinelli recently. First Jake had been kidnapped and afterwards Jason had spiraled into a depression. In both situations Spinelli had decided that it was his responsibility to be by Jason's side through it all, supporting and helping him. He had even rejected Maxie in his focus on Jason. So, she had been hurt, angry, upset and most of all she had been resentful of Jason. She was positive that Jason would never behave similarly were it Spinelli that needed him._

_Then yesterday when she had heard the same story as everyone else about how Jason had brought Spinelli into the ER and then had a meltdown, she hadn't been sure what to think. Now watching him pace back and forth without a pause she realized that he looked like a wounded animal. His eyes were shadowed and red rimmed. "Jason had been crying!" The thought struck her with a powerful force. It meant that he did care as much or, how amazing to contemplate, possibly even more than she did._

"_Jason," she wanted to explore this new found theory, to see if they could find comfort in one another as they faced the unknown and potentially the unthinkable._

_He hadn't heard her. He just kept ceaselessly walking, as though somehow if he just kept moving he could prevent anyone from delivering bad news to him. _

"_Jason!" she said it loudly, determined to penetrate his compulsive behavior. He heard her this time and looked over at her like someone rudely awakened from a dream or in this case a nightmare. She knew he had entirely forgotten that she was in the room. "I'm worried too." She was trying to find common ground to get him to see that he wasn't alone in this._

_He tilted his head at her and considered what she had said. Then he said gruffly, "Nothing to worry about. He'll be fine. The treatments will fix him up and then Spinelli will be okay."_

"_But what if he's not okay? What if they don't work?" She said it forlornly. Surely she wasn't the only one of them thinking this way? Hadn't he _seen,_ really seen Spinelli? He was so thin and so pale and all these machines and the blood. They said it was stomach cancer and that it had a low survival rate. Hadn't Jason heard any of that? Because she had heard all of it and it scared her to death._

_Jason was toppling like a tree as he fell backwards against the wall. Maxie could hear the thump of his head connecting with it. He slid down the wall and lay in a crumpled heap. _

_She ran over to him, "Jason! Are you okay?" She looked into his eyes, he looked dazed and disconnected. "I'll get help, we're in a hospital there's lots of help." She was babbling as she started to get to her feet. _

_Jason grabbed her wrist weakly. "No," he whispered, "No, he has to get better-he has to! I can't lose him. I'd be all alone then. He keeps it away…"_

_She crouched beside him, "He keeps what away Jason?" She was getting really concerned, he was rambling. The blow to the head must have caused it. She had to help him for Spinelli's sake. He needed Jason to be there for him-calm and collected-in other words he needed Stone Cold. _

"_The blackness, he keeps the blackness away. He's the only one that can-he's the light you see." He looked at her, tears standing in his eyes, willing her to understand._

_She froze and looked directly at him. "My God," she thought in wonderment. "It's exactly the same-he does the same thing for Jason that he does for me."_

"_Yes," she said softly in a voice so full of heartbreak that he could hear the truth in every syllable. "He's the light for me too. I don't know how to be in a world without him…"_

_She turned and sat next to him. They were both physically and emotionally drained as they leaned against the wall. Finally, Jason stirred, rubbed his eyes, and tiredly pushed himself upright. He turned and offered his hand to Maxie and pulled her up. He was back in control again but the veneer was thin and Maxie could see inside to his anguished soul. _

"_He'll be back soon. He needs us to be strong." He looked directly at her and she nodded her head slightly. They were in agreement, this was about Spinelli and what he needed-the rest could wait._

_Spinelli had been brought back to the room shortly after. While he was usually aware of emotional undercurrents, he was still under the influence of the sedative that they had given him to implant the feeding tube. So, all he saw was that Maxie was visiting and she was rewarded with a big, goofy grin and a slurred, "Maximee…sta." Shortly afterwards he fell asleep again and she resumed holding his hand while Jason just stood by gazing intently at him while he slept. _

_Then Robin and Dr. Mathur had stopped by and asked Jason to step out for a consultation and Maxie had stayed with Spinelli. It had taken over an hour and when Jason returned he looked even worse than he had before. Maxie looked up at him, the question she was petrified of asking plainly showing in her eyes._

_He sighed, running his hand in agitation through his hair. "It's been confirmed, it's stomach cancer. They say it's in the most advanced stage. It has spread," He stopped and swayed, he hadn't eaten all day. "It has spread to the liver, the pancreas and to the lymph nodes which will be able to send it to other organs."_

"_They can still treat it right?" Maxie was shocked. Somehow she had thought that it would all be a mistake. They would come and say that it had only been ulcers or that it was still in the early stages. Something, anything would have been better than this austere recitation of despair._

"_They're going to start him on the chemotherapy tomorrow because it's the most significant way they have of stopping the growth throughout his body. They'll alternate it with radiation treatments which will help reduce some of his symptoms." He looked like he was in physical pain as he stared over at Spinelli. _

"_I can't do anything Maxie. There's nothing I can do for him…" He couldn't say anything else. He just stood there clenching his fists in frustration wishing there was somebody he could go after and threaten to let Spinelli go, to give him back. _

_Reluctantly she relinquished Spinelli's hand and walked over to Jason. "That's not true, Jason. You can do something and it will probably be the hardest thing you ever do-just be here for him. He can't do this by himself and he'll need you." He was looking at her-his eyes were dull and murky. "Robin told me that I have to sleep and eat in order to be strong for Spinelli. Well, Jason you have to do the same thing. If you just give up, making him worry about you when the only thing he should be concerned about is himself, that's just selfish."_

_The last word seemed to penetrate his depression. "Selfish," he repeated as he looked over again at Spinelli. "That's all I've been is selfish…" He rolled his neck trying to relieve the built up soreness and stiffness. He looked at Maxie. "You're right, he has to be able to rely on us. You'll stay with him if I go and get something to eat?"_

"_I'll stay. You should get some sleep too. We can spell each other."_

_He nodded and bestowed upon her one of his rare smiles. It gave her a brief glimpse of the lost Jason Quartermaine, the kind gentle man he once was destined to be. "Yeah, he'll need us both."_

"_Maximista?"_

_She had been sleeping. Her head was lying at an awkward angle on her crossed arms as she slumped forward on Spinelli's bed. She was instantly alert, "You're awake!"_

"_Indeed and what a pleasure it is to awaken to such a lovely sight as yourself at the Jackal's bedside."_

"_What time is it?" She couldn't suppress a yawn as she looked around the dimly lit room._

"_It is extremely early morning. While the Jackal is flattered that Maximista wanted to stay with him he wishes that she had gone and made herself more comfortable in a more traditional sleeping appliance-a bed comes to mind."_

"_That's just it Spinelli, I wouldn't have been more comfortable. I want to be with you as much as possible." She was fully awake now and realized that this was the first time she had been with a conscious Spinelli in weeks._

"_The Jackal is not going any…" He bit his lip and looked down, realizing that he couldn't finish that sentence in all honesty. "I'm here and will continue to be so. It isn't necessary for you to contort yourself into all sorts of painful positions to simply observe me sleeping."_

"_I want to observe you asleep, awake, anyway you are. I have missed you so much! I thought you were angry with me…" Her perennial fear of abandonment was close to the surface. _

"_How could the Jackal be angry with his Maximista?" He suddenly understood how she had felt when he had pushed her away to help Jason. He had been feeling ill and only capable of coping with his mentor's distress. He hadn't realized how much he had hurt Maxie. "I would never intentionally cause you pain. Please forgive my inadvertent wounding of your feelings. The Jackal most fervently missed Maximista as well."_

"_Really?" Suddenly everything seemed brighter, they were talking again and all the hurt and misunderstanding had evaporated._

"_Of course, anytime away from you is a loss of joy," Spinelli said simply._

_Tears sprang to Maxie's eyes. No one had ever said anything remotely as beautiful to her. It must mean that he felt as she did, that he loved her. Now was the time, there wasn't ever going to be any perfect moment, she had to tell him how she felt before she lost her nerve. Taking a deep breath, she started, "Spinelli, I'm not sorry about the time apart."_

"_You're not?" He was puzzled, his forehead creased as he tried to understand what she saying. "I thought Maximista just said…"_

"_Oh, absolutely," she interrupted him, "I was _so _miserable, and angry, no furious…" she admitted, chagrined. "I couldn't believe you had chosen Jason over me."_

"_It wasn't a choice; it was a case of greater need. The Jackal would have done the same for you were it required."_

"_I know that-now. I wasn't thinking straight." She paused and decided that she needed to be truthful. "I was just being me-a bitch."_

"_No," he protested, hating that she could say such a thing. "That's not who Maximista is. You shouldn't speak about yourself in such terms."_

"_Spinelli," she smiled at him, unable to believe his naiveté, his belief in everyone's fundamental goodness. "I am a bitch, believe me I know. If you thought back to when we first met, you would remember that you used to think so too."_

"_That was before the Jackal realized that Maximista used such behaviors as a shield against being once more hurt by a world that had so often assaulted her tender psyche." _

_She couldn't believe how earnestly he said that. Sometimes his faith in her absolutely terrified her._

"_Okay, we'll shelve the whole 'I'm a bitch. No, you're not' conversation for another time." She grinned at him, conceding defeat._

"_Indefinitely," he agreed with a faint smirk._

"_But see, here's the point," she wasn't going to be distracted again. "The time apart, after I got over feeling upset, it taught me something-it opened my eyes."_

_Spinelli hadn't been able to take his eyes off of Maxie ever since he had woken up. His awareness of time slipping through his fingers and the fact that he had missed her more than he had realized, made him drink in every aspect of her. He wanted to imprint how she looked, what she said, her tiniest gesture on his soul in the hope that it might travel with him to where ever he was bound. _

_At first the conversation made sense. They were finding their way back to one another, to the easy companionship that he had long recognized as the defining parameter of their relationship no matter how much he might wish for more. Now, after her last statement, as he looked into her eyes with enhanced perception, he knew that things had changed for her. With a jolt of sudden, almost painful, clarity, he saw that Maxie Jones loved Damian Spinelli._

_His response was simple unalloyed elation. Maxie Jones loved him, had chosen him! He felt buoyant, ebullient, and fully capable of fighting dragons to win his lady love. He wanted to sweep her up and carry her off and… Reality hit him, he looked around at the hospital room, heard the low hum of the vigilant machines, saw his own weakened form lying attached to those selfsame machines. His spirit was absolutely willing but his body, oh his traitorous body… _

_There wasn't a future for them and love without a future was the cruelest mistress possible. He turned towards Maxie, needing to say something; to deflect what he knew was coming, to fix the unfixable, to bear the unbearable. He was too late._

"_I love you Spinelli." She said it flatly, a statement of unadorned fact supported by a wealth of true emotion._

_He took a brief moment, he was mortal after all, to savor what he had so long yearned to hear. She loved him. Since the beginning of time, those few, those simple words were the soft cushion between life and death, light and dark, and all the dualities known to man. For the first and last (oh, the galling unfairness of it all!) time in his life he was finally the bittersweet recipient of them._

_His mind raced, he had to do something-but what? He couldn't return her declaration, it wasn't fair to her or even to him. Timing was truly everything and his was horrible. _

"_Spinelli?" Maxie spoke shyly, not sure why he was so silent. Had she been wrong? Perhaps he didn't feel the way she did. Oh, God, if she had just put her heart on the line once more only to have it rejected…_

_He was looking at her with his gaze full of something she couldn't quite interpret. "The Jackal fully reciprocates Maximista's profession of affection. How could he not?"_

_She was confused, had he said he loved her back or not? "You love me?" It wasn't supposed to be this complicated._

"_Indeed, and have done so for quite some time. Maximista is the most prized of the Jackal's friends and so, of course his feelings are of the highest regard and utmost dedication." He was smiling at her, trying his best to keep the soul crushing sorrow from clouding his eyes._

"_Friends," she said bleakly, having picked the most pertinent word from his speech. "You love me like a friend." She had been wrong and it had only cost her everything with her pride thrown in for a bonus like a cherry on the top of a sundae._

"_Best of friends," he chided her gently, fighting to keep up the charade and not sure how much longer he could. "I love you as the most valued of my friends."_

_The meticulousness of the word choice was unmistakable, she comprehended it completely. "Best of friends, forever," she smiled at him hoping that he would take the tears pooling in her eyes as a sign of her sentimentality and nothing more. _

_Maxie could feel the addition of another crack to her already fractured heart but she was an expert at facades and she would be damned if anyone but her knew about it. "Georgie," she thought in despair, "I need you!" Of course there was no response, just the awkwardness of the moment stretching on infinitely. _

"_I should let you rest. I am just going to go freshen up. I'll be back before you know it." Her smile was etched on her face, it grieved him to see it. She stood up and brushed her lips against his cheek and he closed his eyes inhaling her scent._

"_The Jackal will be counting the moments." She was gone and he lay back against the pillows drained and exhausted, the pungent taste of regret filling his mouth. _

"_Spinelli?" It was Jason, standing next to him, concern evident in his voice. "Why did you do that? She loves you, she said it. You love her. Why didn't you tell her?" _

"_Stone Cold heard what transpired?" He was weary beyond belief._

"_Yeah, I didn't mean to. I was coming to relieve Maxie and you guys didn't see me and I should have left…but I was surprised. I don't get it. I thought this is what you always wanted-for Maxie to say she loves you."_

"_I did, it was my fondest wish to know that Maximista returned my affections in full." Spinelli's tone was dull, lifeless._

"_She said she does love you. Why aren't you happy? Why did you tell her you only love her as a friend? Unless," Jason looked speculatively at Spinelli. "You don't believe her, that you think she just said it because you're sick."_

"_No, Stone Cold," Spinelli sighed, his voice full of resignation. "The Jackal saw into her eyes, into her deepest soul. He knows full well that what Maximista told him was the unvarnished truth. She does indeed love me."_

"_So, what's the problem?" Jason was confused, he wanted this for Spinelli, something positive to offset the overwhelming negative. "Besides," he thought just as Maxie had, "Maybe this will be the thing that tips the balance that will get him to fight the cancer and win." Jason was indiscriminate about the forms the weapons in this vital battle might take. _

"_The problem?" Spinelli looked at Jason with an incredulity slightly colored with anger. "The problem Jason," he was enunciating every syllable with icy precision. "Is that I have just been diagnosed with an advanced case of stomach cancer. My very mortality is in question and about the worst thing I could do to compound the situation is to let Maximista know how eternally hers my heart truly is."_

"_Don't you think she deserves to know? Don't you want to be happy?" Jason still didn't understand why he couldn't tell her._

"_It would be the height of selfishness if the Jackal declared his undying love for the fair blonde one and then, well…died."_

"_That's not going to happen." He stated it forcefully as though saying it often enough would make it true. "You'll get better, the chemotherapy will make you well and then you can tell her. She'll understand why you pushed her away. It'll work out."_

_Spinelli looked wearily at Jason. He knew that he had just exchanged one beloved person's set of insecurities and needs for another's. Damian Spinelli had only ever known the rough, off-handed affection provided him by his grandmother as she begrudgingly raised him. She had provided him with a roof over his head, nourishing food and nursed him through scraped knees and the flu. What she seemed unable to give him was unconditional love. He had always felt that he was a burden to her, a duty that she had to meet in order to be thought a good Christian. _

_When he finally left Tennessee to make his awkward way in the world, he always knew the Holy Grail that he was persistently searching for was to find someone that he could love and who would love him back. He had several false starts-Lulu, Georgie-almost anyone who had a kind word and a smile to offer him. Over time though he had found Jason and, most incredibly, Maxie and Spinelli loved them both with all his heart. The only piece that was missing was reciprocity He knew they cared about him, even depended on him, but love he thought perhaps not… _

_Now, in the space of less than twenty-four hours, he had discovered he was dying and that he was deeply and miraculously loved by the two most important people in his universe. He could indeed believe that God had a wicked sense of humor or-at the very least-irony. _

_Coming late to love as he had, Spinelli possessed an immature view of the world's most complex emotion. In his simplicity he had presumed that you gave love and received love and all would then be well. He had no knowledge of the booby traps strewn along love's bomb cratered path. The lies and deceptions that one undertook without so much as a flicker of an eyelid in order to prevent those you adored from feeling more pain than you could tolerate watching. In summary, no one had ever explained to Spinelli the terrible, almost inhumane, cost of love. _

_Thus, tired, heart sore, and having just denied the love of his life, he looked up at his exhausted brother's face and agreed with him. "Yes, later when I'm better. Then I will tell her how I feel and she will forgive me and all will be well." _

_Time passed. For Spinelli, for Jason, for Maxie and for all those that cared-time passed. He underwent chemotherapy, he had radiation treatments. Nutrition was delivered to his body via a plastic tube. He had his good days and his bad days. _

_On the good days, he had visitors. Jax would sit with him and they would discuss books and poetry, quoting obscure passages back and forth until one missed. It was invariably Jax who would slip up. _

_At other times, Lulu and Maxie would visit, separately or in tandem, and then the room would be filled with laughter and teasing. Yet, Lulu couldn't help but notice the shadows that filled both of her friends' eyes whenever they looked at each other. _

_Claudia came and said little, just holding his hand until he slept. Spinelli found her visits soothing. Diane came in brash and abrupt, calling him "Mr. Grasshopper" all the while admonishing him to get better. _

_Carly and Sam each visited, silently sharing the secret of the horror at the penthouse, knowing the deception of those that thought he would recover. They came for Jason as well but he was unmindful of them. He needed no comfort but a healthy brother and would be inconsolable if that wasn't attained. _

_Mike came, unsure of what he had to offer. Food and drink were how he showed his concern and they were off-limits to Spinelli. Instead, he gave of his warmth and his wisdom. Most importantly, he was one of the few people that didn't require Spinelli to wear the mask of good cheer and hope that so drained him. _

_Those were the good days. Spinelli spent each one in amazement and gratitude that so many people would take the time out of their busy schedules to be with him. During the good days, Jason was a shadow-always nearby but in the background. He let the others visit, willing to lose time, precious time, with his brother so that Spinelli could see how truly valued he was._

_The bad days dragged by in a haze of unproductive nausea that even the drugs couldn't entirely mask. Spinelli suffered from a profound exhaustion that made even the lifting of his head off the pillow an exercise in futility. He was restless, feverish, in pain and only the cooling touch of Jason's hand managed to pacify him enabling him to sleep. On those days, Jason was in full evidence and no one except nurses and doctors, not even Maxie, was allowed in his room. The bad days outweighed the good days._

"_Mr. Spinelli," Dr. Mathur was speaking to his fatigued patient, just returned from his second round of chemotherapy. "Can you understand me or shall I come back later after you have rested?"_

"_Later!" Jason growled as he placed a damp cloth on Spinelli's forehead. _

_Spinelli sighed to himself. He felt too worn out to deal with the animosity that Jason always exhibited towards Dr. Mathur. He understood that Stone Cold felt powerless to help him and that he was taking his frustration out on the oncologist as a displacement mechanism for not being able to directly fight the cancer in Spinelli's body. _

_Still, Spinelli had learned to respect Dr. Mathur for both his professionalism and humanity. He hated having to see him endure Jason's antagonism as a part of the price he paid for being Spinelli's physician. Though, to be honest, Jason's attitude only ever seem to perturb Dr. Mathur insofar as it compromised his ability to treat his patient such as Jason blocking his access to Spinelli at this very moment._

"_Of course Dr. Mathur, the Jackal wishes to hear what you have to say." Spinelli's eyes dared Jason to challenge him. Jason muttered something under his breath and stepped back from the bed with ill concealed frustration._

_The oncologist took Jason's place by the bed and looked down at this young patient whom he had come to admire and care for over the last several weeks. His expression was somber as he said, "I've received the results of the second CT scan we took this morning." He paused and looked back at Jason, he knew that the news he brought would be a greater blow to him than to Spinelli who had been one of the few pragmatists taking this surrealistic journey._

"_Doctor Mathur?" Spinelli gently prompted him, he could guess what he was going to tell him. He only hoped that Stone Cold could bear it._

_The doctor sighed, knowing he couldn't put off saying it any longer. "The cancer has metastasized further through your body. It has spread throughout your liver, there are areas indicated in the intestines and even more lymph nodes are involved. In truth the chemotherapy probably kept it from dispersing to additional areas. Without it you would more than likely…" He really couldn't finish. "When had this become so personal?" he wondered to himself._

"_Thank you Doctor. I appreciate your honesty. Delivering such news must never be easy."_

"_As opposed to hearing it," he thought to himself bleakly. Doctor Mathur had to swallow hard and tip his head down to avoid a break in his professional composure, to prevent either of the other men from seeing the tears that were in his eyes. He had never met someone so empathetic, so capable of shouldering the pain of others while ignoring his own. _

_He thought perhaps that this was "that case". The one that they had warned them about in medical school, saying it would hit close to home and make you question everything about choosing to become a doctor. If he wanted to go out and get blind stinking drunk and put his fist through a wall then how much worse must it be for Spinelli's family-for Jason?_

_Dr. Mathur cleared his throat and tried to regain some semblance of self-control. He smiled down at Spinelli. "You should get some rest. I'll come by later." As he turned away from the bed he found himself face to face with Jason who was staring at him with an intense ferocity that couldn't mask the misery he was feeling. "I'm sorry Mr. Morgan. I so wish it could have been better news." _

_Jason nodded sharply in acknowledgment as he stepped aside to let the doctor pass. They were no longer on separate sides of the fence. The cancer had beaten both of them and they each would have given a piece of their soul for a different outcome. _

"_Jason?" _

_He thought he was asleep. He had been standing by his bedside absorbing every aspect of his face, watching every rise and drop of his chest. His hand reached out of its own accord and brushed through the remnants of his dark, unruly hair. Pieces of it drifted away making his chest constrict with pain. _

"_You should be sleeping Spinelli. You're exhausted." _

"_Stone Cold," Spinelli tried hard to keep his voice even, to sound like someone who had made an irreversible decision rather than like a little boy worried about disappointing his father. "You heard Dr. Mathur, there's been no change. Well," He paused, fighting to stay on course, "There has of course…it's spread."_

"_Yeah, I heard." Jason pinched the bridge of his nose, he was so lost, so frightened. "He also said without the chemotherapy that it would have been worse. You would have been…" He simply wasn't capable of saying it. _

"_I would be dead." Somehow Spinelli managed to say the words calmly as though they were any combination of words like "Have a nice day" or "Wasn't that a lovely sunset?"_

"_Stone Cold," he tried again. "I had the radiation treatments. I had the chemotherapy treatments. They have been to no avail. I'm not getting any better and the cancer is spreading." He gestured at himself. "I keep losing weight."_

_Despite the feeding tube, Spinelli had continued losing weight a fact that was patently obvious to everyone but Jason. Anyone seeing Spinelli for the first time would be shocked, he was skeletal. The cancer was accruing all the incoming nutrition and utilizing it for its own malignant spread. _

_Spinelli was looking up at Jason and that is all that he ever saw, his beloved eyes still bright and alive even when overshadowed with pain. Somehow his mind blocked the sight of the skull protruding through the skin of his face, his jutting ribs and pelvis, his sticklike arms and legs…_

"_Spinelli," Jason began, willing to coax or bully, to do whatever was needed to keep his brother with him for even one extra precious moment._

"_No!" the word burst out of Spinelli with an explosiveness that startled him and silenced Jason. "I have done as you asked against the doctors, and my own, better judgment. The radiation treatments weren't bad but the chemotherapy… Oh, Stone Cold…" He trailed off in a moan as the nausea once more enveloped him. _

_Jason quickly dampened another cloth and applied it to the back of his neck. Jason would have broken his own moratorium against drugs and gotten Spinelli medical marijuana if he hadn't been in a hospital. He hated seeing him so ill, so drained._

"_I know it's difficult," he was speaking gently to Spinelli's bowed head as he sat trembling, helplessly enduring waves of nausea, "but without the treatments..."_

"_No more chemotherapy," it was a battle to get the words out, as he fought off the queasiness rolling through his system. All he wanted to do was try and sleep, to find what comfort he could in oblivion. Still, he knew that he had to finish this conversation, to make things clear to Jason. "Stone Cold, it isn't that I _want _to die. It is that I _am_ dying."_

"_No," it was almost a whimper, "you aren't dying."_

"_Yes, I am and I can't indulge your refusal to see it anymore. I understand how hard…" He lay back on the pillows, fatigued beyond reason. "How hard this is for you but I need you to let me go. You have to look at me and see how things really are, not how you wish they were. Jason, I want the right to die with dignity."_

_Jason stood there lost and bewildered. This couldn't be happening. There was supposed to be something else, some other choice, some other option. He realized he had done it again. He had selfishly put his own desires ahead of what was best for Spinelli. As usual, Spinelli had let him, had actually enabled him at the cost of his own comfort, his own peace. _

_It suddenly struck Jason that except for his stubborn interference, Spinelli probably would already be dead. He had wasted countless days and hours putting his brother through treatments, tests and procedures that might have prolonged his existence but totally eroded his quality of life. If Jason had only accepted the inevitable, they could have spent the time talking and sharing how they felt. Jason should have told Spinelli how valuable and irreplaceable he was to him. Instead, he had focused on bolstering his own denial, his own hope while his brother suffered. He was such a self-centered bastard!_

_His legs no longer seemed to support him. Jason abruptly sat down in the chair by the bed, he stared down at the floor unable to meet Spinelli's eyes. "Everything you said is totally true. This is my fault, I screwed up again. You didn't want any of this, but I made you do it. I am so sorry, Spinelli!"_

_Jason felt a hand weakly tugging at his hair. He looked up and saw Spinelli smiling tiredly at him. He moved his hand to Jason's cheek and Jason placed his own over it. He craved contact with him after years of rejecting even the simplest of hugs. _

"_Stone Cold there is nothing to apologize for. The Jackal is so honored that he means so much to his Master to have him go to such lengths to try and save him. He knows his intentions were entirely worthy, it is just that the goal was alas not achievable."_

"_I love you Spinelli," Jason said simply._

"_I love you as well Jason. It is because of the love I bear you that I must extract a promise from you."_

"_Anything," Jason replied fervently._

"_You can't come." He had said it aloud and it hung starkly in the air._

_Jason looked at him. He didn't question Spinelli as to the meaning of the ambiguous statement. Nor did he respond with empty reassurances to set Spinelli's mind at ease. He couldn't lie about something so important and the only alternative was silence. _

"_Jason," Spinelli was adamant. "I am the one dying. This isn't your journey-not now."_

_Jason stammered out a response. "I…I don't think I can go on without you. I have lost Alan, Emily, Michael. Sonny, Elizabeth, and Jake aren't in my life anymore. I only have you and now you're leaving me too."_

"_I don't want to die but I don't have the choice," Spinelli was growing angry. "You get to live and you want to throw it away. If you go then it will be as though I died twice over. We only live on in the memories of the people we leave behind. Lulu and Maxie will remember for a while and then it will fade like an old photograph. That's appropriate, they should move on. But you, Jason," his eyes beseeched him. "I've seen how you remember, how you carry people in your heart forever. I was hoping that is how it would be for me…" His voice trailed off, he was too weak and tired to continue. _

"_I could never forget you," Jason said with a quiet weariness. It looked as though he would have to continue his existence in this ever darkening world. "I promise to stay, to keep your memory alive."_

_There was no response-only silence. He gazed at his sleeping brother who for this one brief moment looked peaceful and achingly young-too young for the burdens he bore. Still holding Spinelli's hand, Jason whispered once more, "I promise…"_

_Spinelli was once again home, he was ensconced in his pink room back at the penthouse. He was on hospice and he had chosen to come home to die. Things were radically different. There were no machines, no monitors, no hated feeding tube. Now all the focus was on palliative care-morphine for the pain, an iv for fluids and nutrition, a catheter because he was too weak to go to the bathroom and oxygen for when it became difficult to breathe._

_People had pitched in when they had heard that Spinelli was coming back to the penthouse. The carpet in the living room, stairs, hall and Spinelli's room was replaced. A hospital bed had been installed in his room and they had offered to paint the walls any color he wanted but he vehemently declined-he desired the familiarity and comfort of the pink decor. _

_All of this had been accomplished without Jason's involvement. He refused to leave Spinelli's side. They had hired a home health care nurse but she had little to do because Jason was always there and Spinelli turned exclusively to him. Their bond awed observers, even Jax could see the depth of Jason's love for Spinelli._

_The first few days he was back in the penthouse there was a steady stream of visitors. Everyone finally understood that this was their last chance to say goodbye, to let Spinelli know how much he had meant to them. It was difficult to see him so shrunken, often in pain, and always tired. Yet, somehow he managed to rally and to communicate with each person. _

_Jason monitored every visit. If he thought Spinelli was too tired or too ill he would unceremoniously evict whoever was with him at the time. The only person that had the same access to Spinelli as Jason was Maxie. She knew she was privileged and she tried not to abuse Jason's trust. Maxie had to fight her tendency to be selfish, to be hyper-active and to make everything about her. She consciously tamped down her inclination to talk too much, to hug and kiss Spinelli, or to release the endless tears contained within her. _

_It was clear that he no longer had any stamina or hidden reservoirs of strength. He was fragile, his skin was almost translucent and he simply couldn't handle the demands and needs of others. For the first time in his short, abbreviated life_

_Damian Spinelli was put first. It was the only gift left for Jason and Maxie to give him. They hid their own sorrow and their own grief and concentrated on giving him the most soothing and peaceful environment possible. _

_Jason watched Spinelli and Maxie together and it broke his heart. Spinelli lying against his pillows, following Maxie's every movement, hanging on her every word, all the while his heart was thrumming to the repetitive beat of "only you, only you, only you". Maxie bright and brittle, chirping like a bird, the mask never slipping until she was out of the room. Jason would stumble across her in the hall or the kitchen, sobbing uncontrollably. Then he would hold her and wait until she stopped and they once more could return to their unbearable vigil._

_Four weeks, two days, seventeen hours, and twenty-three minutes after Jason's panic stricken entrance to the ER-Damian Spinelli expired. It was three a.m. and Jason had fallen asleep with Spinelli's hand in his. He abruptly woke from a dream that he couldn't remember but he knew it had been pleasant, a rare occurrence of late. Rubbing his eyes, he looked at Spinelli and froze-he wasn't breathing. Jason felt a wave of anguish wash over him as he realized that he had missed his brother's last moments that he had slept through them. He knew Spinelli had gone in the best way possible-in his sleep. That awareness did nothing to assuage the aching emptiness that threatened to consume him. _

_Jason looked over at Maxie, her head down as she slept on the other side of the bed. He sighed to himself, dreading the inevitable moment when he would have to tell her that Spinelli was gone. He didn't know if he could handle her grief or absorb her sorrow. He wasn't quite sure that he would make it through his own desolation to the other side. He only knew that he had to try because he had promised he would._

_Standing up he leaned over his brother and pressed his lips to his cool forehead. "I remember you Damian Spinelli and I always will."_


	3. Found Part I

__

**_A/N: I have no rights or affiliation with the characters presented within this piece_**

_Second Chances_

_Chapter 3: Found-Part I_

_Jason placed his keys with careful precision on the desk by the front door. Ordinarily when he came into the penthouse he tossed them carelessly on the surface as he walked by. When he was upset or angry he would fling them down-sometimes even scarring the wood-as one way of venting his anger. Any more outright expression of his temper was a luxury he seldom allowed himself. Flamboyant anger might be one of the cornerstones of Sonny Corinthos' existence but control was Jason's. _

_Today though…today was simply too awful a day to be either normal or to be subsumed by anger or even despair. Today was truly the first day of the rest of Jason's life and it unrolled ahead of him like a blacktop road traversing the desert-bleak, endless and sterile. The most he could hope for was an illusion or a mirage that there might at some point be found an oasis. There he might rest his troubled mind and find some sweet water to slake his thirst as he once again picked up the burden that was his life and moved on alone and friendless._

_Friendless, that certainly described Jason now. He had a friend, one that was irreplaceable. Yet, for most of the duration of their relationship he had been oblivious to how much he had meant to him. He had relied on him, trusted him, confided in him, and loved him but Jason hadn't really understood any of that until it was almost too late. Sure he lived with him, knew that he had a thing for orange soda and barbecue chips, that he talked too much, was amazing with a computer and pretty hopeless with women. What he hadn't recognized was that he filled this entire penthouse with his kindness, his cheer, his loyalty and his oversized ever forgiving heart. _

_Jason pulled at his tie, he hated the damn things but today had been about saying goodbye and showing respect. Everything he did for Spinelli from now on was going to be a case of too little too late but Jason was going to make sure he did it regardless. You wore ties and dark suits to funerals as on outward sign of your inward grief and at least that was an accurate social construct. Jason was nothing but a large black, internal pool of grief. _

_Last night, he and Maxie had hosted the-well, not exactly a viewing because they had kept the coffin closed to protect Spinelli's or their own sensibilities about how wasted he had looked at the end. For six hours a steady stream of people had come into the dimly lit hushed room at the funeral home. They had signed the guestbook on the podium next to a flickering candle and walked up to the coffin, usually touching or rubbing the shiny wood. They stood with their heads bowed and their eyes closed in contemplation or spoke in quiet sad measured tones about private things not meant to be shared with others. Then they would approach Jason or Maxie to offer their condolences and either take a seat remaining in reflective silence or simply depart. It had been agony for both of them, trying to console others and murmuring platitudes in response to well meaning sympathetic overtures. When all they really wanted to do was to run out into the night howling their heartache at the uncaring infinite sky. _

_Jason didn't think anything could have been worse than last night but he was mistaken. The funeral made the wake look like a festive party. The day had dawned sullen and frigid with temperatures slightly below zero. The hearse, the goddamn hearse, had been late to the church. So, the coffin hadn't been in place when people started to arrive and be seated in the pews. The pallbearers-Jason, Patrick, Coleman, Jax, Johnny Zacchara and Mike Corbin had to maneuver clumsily up the aisle through milling mourners. _

_Jason only knew one church and one pastor in Port Charles and that was Sonny's parish church The Queen of Angels. It was ironic really that Spinelli was being sent to his final rest via a stop at a church that was a vital part of the spiritual life of a man who had despised him and treated him with a complete lack of respect. Jason would have rather used another church but he wasn't religious and he didn't feel up to canvassing churches and priests like a dating service for the deceased. _

_Maxie's formidable organizational skills might have been up to the task but this wasn't putting together another wedding for her cousin Robin or being the driving force behind a Crimson launch party. No, this was burying the undeclared love of her life and Jason knew she wasn't really in the here and now. Maxie was numb and that was the only reason she appeared to be functioning. The signs of her imminent breakdown were clear to the acute observer-mismatched shoes, no makeup, a dazed look in her eyes and a startled stare when anyone approached or spoke to her. _

_She clung interchangeably to Jason and Mac. The former represented her last connection to Spinelli and the latter was her Daddy and if ever Maxie had needed him that time was now. The two men did everything they could to support her but they both knew there was no true way to shield her from the grim reality of the situation and both dreaded her inevitable crash. _

_So, Jason carried Spinelli's tardy coffin up the aisle of an incense scented church grimly determined to wrest Sonny away by the collar and toss him out n the street if he had the audacity to appear. When the men put the coffin on the bier, he reached over and touched the head of it thinking with regret and love of the man lying within. _

_Jason sat in the front left pew with Maxie sandwiched between him and Mac. She held each of their hands. Her face was pale and strained as she stared fixedly at the coffin as though she could somehow will Spinelli out of it and into the pew next to them. Then she would turn the ceremony into a baptism or a wedding or even a funeral-just someone else's. Jason fervently wished that Maxie indeed had that kind of power._

_Father Coates was preceded up the aisle by a pair of altar boys one of whom was swinging an incense censor. The ceremony passed in a blur with the familiar rituals of a funeral mass engaging the congregation in rising and sitting and kneeling and muttering responses to liturgical prompts from the priest. Jax and Sam read biblical passages and then it was time for the eulogy. Jason stood up reluctantly, he hadn't wanted to speak but Maxie couldn't do it and they were the only two possible candidates, the only people who truly knew Spinelli._

_Jason walked up to the podium and adjusted the microphone down from the higher height Jax had left it at. He winced as a feedback screech reverberated throughout the church._

"_Um," Already he was fighting too many emotions-grief, anger, regret, an overwhelming sense of futility. "Damian Spinell…" No, that wasn't right, that wasn't who he was or how he or anyone thought of him. "Spinelli," Better, still not too many eulogies consisted of one word. "Two years ago, or thereabouts, he came to Port Charles. Lulu was the first person who spent any time with him." _

_He looked over at the initial blonde one who was leaning her head into Johnny's shoulder, her eyes closed and her face tear streaked. "Too bad she couldn't have shown some of that emotion when Spinelli was around to appreciate it." Jason thought with a flare of anger at the mercurial girl who had so poorly used his boy._

"_She was the first recipient of some of the fine qualities that Spinelli possessed." He could do this, would do this because it was meant to honor him and it was a labor of love. "He was loyal, kind, thoughtful and gave of his heart not always wisely but truly."_

_Now Lulu was looking up at him and there was a wondering expression on her face as she tried to discern if Jason, nonverbal Jason, had actually taken a swipe at her in the middle of a church during a funeral service. _

"_Good!" he thought savagely, "Maybe now she'll think twice before she goes around trampling on people's feelings."_

"_It was Lulu who brought Spinelli to the penthouse and he came to live with Sam and me."_

_Jason looked over at Sam. She was sitting next to Mike and they both had tears in their eyes as they listened to Jason. He felt himself soften towards her, Jason knew Sam cared about and maybe even loved Spinelli and that it had been a mutual regard. _

"_Sam eventually left but Spinelli stayed," What a few words for one of the hardest times in his life and as usual Spinelli had helped get Jason through it. God! All the things he owed Spinelli and had never repaid and now could never repay. "He always kicked in to help not just me but all of you. How many people here at one time or another showed up at the penthouse, or Kelley's or the coffee shop looking for Spinelli to do some magic chore for you with his computer?"_

_Jason looked around at the congregation, challenging them to look back at him, to admit the truth of what he just said. He stared at Carly, Lulu, Sam, and Epiphany._

"_Let's not forget though that it wasn't always about his computer skills about his being the Jackal. No, you came to him because he always listened and gave advice and cared and helped when he could. He repaired appliances for Mike, helped Kate and Jax with their magazine, befriended Claudia (Jason only tolerated her presence here today because of how Spinelli had felt about her), helped rescue Lulu countless times, defended Leyla from bigots, freely welcomed Nadine to Port Charles, and aided Patrick in winning Robin. _

_There was a change in the atmosphere of the church as it started to hit home that someone more worthwhile, more unique than they had realized was irrevocably gone. Crying was now clearly audible and heads were bowed in consideration of the ramifications of the absence of one Damian Spinelli upon the world of Port Charles. _

"_Yet, how many of you returned the favor?" Jason stared implacably out at the sea of faces. _

_He wanted, no, he needed them to understand viscerally as he did what a raw deal the citizens of Port Charles had offered Damian Spinelli. He knew he was the worst offender but at least he admitted it, was planning to spend the rest of his life punishing himself for it. Jason thought that it was appropriate if a few other people had a mirror held up to their behaviors and choices as well. He realized that what he was doing wasn't something that Spinelli would approve of, that he would endorse. Yet, Jason didn't care he was suffering and he wanted some company in his own private hell._

"_When did you think to call him up and ask him to a movie or to go get lunch or just to see how he was doing? Hel…Heck, did you even bother to say thank you for what he did for you before going back to ignoring him. That is until the next time you needed him and he without a second thought dropped everything and was there for you?"_

_There was now uniform shock and discomfort on the faces staring up at him. They hadn't expected to be lectured on their shortcomings as friends and acquaintances of Spinelli. Most of them had put in an appearance out of genuine affection or respect they hadn't bargained on feeling guilt on top of grief._

"_This isn't Spinelli talking to you. He wouldn't think this way, he wouldn't expect you to treat him any differently than you did. And that," suddenly Jason was roaring, his hands were clenched on the lectern and a vein was throbbing in his forehead. "That is why every single person here today should be ashamed of themselves! We allowed this gentle, thoughtful, generous, genuinely good person think it was okay to not be loved, to not be cared for but to be used and tossed aside like he was garbage!"_

_Father Coates was standing up in alarm. He had never before had to even consider whether or not he should intervene in a eulogy. He was taking a tentative step towards the podium, unsure as to what he should do, what he even could do. Jason Morgan in full temper was an awesome and terrifying sight._

"_He was too good for you, for me, for us. We didn't deserve him and we didn't treat him right and now it's too late…" Jason's voice was dwindling to a whisper. He was crying and looking down at the podium. "…too late."_

_Carly had stood up ready to go to him but Jax pulled her back down. He nodded towards Maxie. She hadn't even been listening to Jason. Instead she had been hypnotized by the coffin. She kept seeing Spinelli lying inside it as though she had X-ray vision and she was imagining him being buried down deep in the earth. She could see him waking up and screaming for help… Jason's shouting broke into her mind's endless cycle of dread. She looked up just in time to see him crumble in front of all these people._

_She did it for Jason, she did it for herself, but most of all she did it for Spinelli. He would have been the first one up in order to go to his mentor's aide in all his transparent grief, pain and soul wrenching vulnerability. _

"_Jason," her voice was sad and small but it penetrated the cloud of incomprehension that blurred his mind._

"_Maxie," he groaned as he turned and hugged her burying his face in her neck. She sagged a little under his weight but managed to hold onto him._

"_Ssh, Ssh, it's all right. He wouldn't want you to feel this way, to be this…broken." _

_That word fit each of them as far as she was concerned but she also knew it would dumbfound Spinelli to see how close to utter collapse they both were over him. The endless regret of never being able to let him know how much he was truly treasured flooded her anew. Her tears rolled down her cheeks to intermingle with those of Jason's on her neck._

"_He's gone and he's not coming back." Now he had raised his head and was looking at her through exhausted, red rimmed eyes. _

_They were the only two people in the church, in the world. It was just them and the young man lying in the coffin, there wasn't anyone else. _

_She nodded her head in agreement. "I know," she said simply. _

_Maxie entwined her hand in Jason's and turning they walked over to the coffin. She placed her head on it and stretched out her arms to encompass its length. "Rest well, my sweet boy," her voice was cracked and forlorn._

_Jason just stood there for a moment, looking at Maxie and the coffin. Then he reached over and put a hand on Maxie's head and one on the coffin. "I'm sorry for everything that I didn't do and didn't say. I will always remember you, always."_

_The church was hushed. Father Coates was standing frozen as he waited for this impromptu visitation to be over so he could proceed with the time tested comfort and strictures of the funeral mass. The congregation was shocked by the content of the eulogy, its premature end and the overflowing emotions of Jason and Maxie enacted as though they were in their own private world. _

_Someone coughed and the spell was broken. Jason and Maxie stepped back from the coffin but they didn't return to their pew. Instead, again holding hands, they moved to the head of the coffin and bowing their heads waited for the mass to resume. Father Coates stepped up and began the age old formula that culminated in the Catholic members of the congregation coming up to take communion. Throughout it all neither Jason nor Maxie stirred or lifted their heads. Finally, with a last amen the service was over. The pallbearers came up to take Spinelli on the start of his last journey. _

_Jason looked over at Mac and tilted his head towards the coffin silently requesting that he take his place with the others. Mac looked at Maxie who was clutching Jason's hand fiercely. Her eyes were enormous grey-blue pools in the middle of her tissue white face, it was clear she was only just clinging to sanity, to reality. Mac smoothly stepped up to take his place with the five other men and they moved down the aisle as the congregation respectfully waited, many with bent heads. Jason and Maxie followed behind, she was half-leaning on him and he had a solicitous hand under her elbow and a firmly supporting arm wrapped around her waist._

_They stepped out into the inhospitable day. It had become even colder and now there were angry spits of snow whirling around them as they stood on the dank stone steps of the church. Jason watched intently and sorrowfully as Spinelli's coffin was loaded into the hearse. As soon as the doors were closed Mac bounded up the stairs and took a now shivering Maxie into his arms._

"_C'mon sweetheart, let's get you home."_

"_But the reception…" she protested weakly as she burrowed her head into her father's chest. "I should go. I should do it for Spinelli." She turned her face and her tearful eyes gazed at Jason. "I should be there for you."_

_Jason pasted on the best smile he could manage as he reached out and tucked an errant strand of Maxie's hair behind her ear. "No, you go home and get some rest. The last thing Spinelli would want is for you to get sick. I'll make your excuses, everyone will understand."_

"_You're sure?" The words were mumbled, she was falling asleep on her feet._

"_Sure," he said gently, "I'll call you tomorrow."_

_Mac turned and guided her away towards the parking lot. Looking back over Maxie's head, he exchanged one last look of shared concern with Jason. With a sigh, Jason returned to the church. People were standing at the entryway eyeing the dismal sky with concern and talking in a desultory way about inconsequential things. Everyone quieted down when Jason came back in and they waited to see what he would do or say._

_Jason wasn't interested in apologizing for his outburst, it hadn't been planned but he felt it was entirely warranted. In his usual blunt style he started. "As you can see, it's pretty miserable out and the prediction is for more snow. So, I would appreciate it if everyone headed over to the Metro Court where Carly has organized food and drinks. Everyone's welcome to reminisce about Spinelli and just share what it is to be alive…" He had to stop for a moment, this was harder than he had expected. "I'm going to finish up at the cemetery and then I'll be by. See you there."_

_Turning abruptly on his heel he left them. Jason had made it clear that they weren't being given the option of going to the graveside. Most people were just as happy not to go. Yet, there were also those that were offended by Jason's dictatorial attitude that simply didn't like being told what to do or not do-especially by the likes of Jason Morgan. Still, no one, no matter how irritated or offended, was foolhardy enough to ignore his dictum and show up at the cemetery. They knew he was entirely capable of throwing them into the grave and burying them alive if he was infuriated enough. _

_The drive to the cemetery took twice as long as it should have since the streets were covered with a thin layer of glare ice that was practically invisible and extremely hazardous. Jason had purchased a plot of land on a hill from which there was an expansive view of the harbor and where a large oak tree stood sentinel. In the summer the tree would shelter the grave and provide shade while the vista would be serene and peaceful. Yet, today the hill was receiving the brunt of a howling wind coming in off of the ocean while the ever thickening swirls of snow made visibility practically nil._

_Somehow Father Coates had also made the trip and he and Jason were the only attendants as the last formal words of the funeral service were read over Spinelli's coffin. Jason's tears turned to ice as they rolled down his cheeks. He wasn't even wearing a coat even though the priest himself was bundled in a wool greatcoat, winter boots, wool gloves, and a ski cap. _

_Jason's hands were so numb that at first he didn't even notice the small warm hand slip into his. The transfer of heat alerted him to the new arrival and he looked to his right ready to be displeased with whoever had disobeyed his clearly stated edict. _

_The angry words died unspoken as he looked down into the pixie face of Diane Miller. She was staring up at him with her own icy tears coating her cheeks. She was dressed in a fur coat and hat and a black pantsuit while true to form her feet were encased in an entirely unsuitable pair of high heeled shoes. The best that could be said for them was that they had closed toes. _

"_I had to come say goodbye to Mr. Grasshopper," she said simply. "His was the brightest, the truest spirit I have ever known. He will be sorely missed."_

_Jason couldn't manage any words. He nodded his head dumbly and bent down and kissed her on the forehead. Then he wrapped his arm around her and together they stood in silence as Father Coates completed the service. When he was finished the sexton activated the mechanism to lower the coffin into the grave while Diane, Jason and Father Coates stood somberly by. _

_Something inside Jason cracked as he saw the coffin descend out of sight into the ground. It was an epiphany, everything else in his life would be marked and informed by this moment. It was the instant in time when Jason finally realized that Spinelli was truly gone. He would not suddenly pop out of his room in the penthouse or show up someplace with his computer bag slung across his chest and a happy grin on his face as he quipped "Salutations, Stone Cold!" No, for the rest of his life all Jason would have left of Spinelli were memories and so many of those were tainted by the regret of everything he didn't do or should have done. As the crank turned and the coffin continued its downward momentum, Jason had an irresistible urge to jump in after it to stay with Spinelli forever in the comforting embrace of the earth. _

"_Jason!" It was the second time she had said his name, startled Jason looked down into the concerned eyes of Diane Miller. "It's not what he would have wanted."_

_He looked longingly at the pit in the ground that was taking his boy into its cold embrace. It wasn't right that he would be down there all alone while the rest of the world went on its messy and uncaring way. Jason knew that he couldn't go with Spinelli and not just because his heartbeat was too strong and his spirit to stubborn to give in as easily as all that. No, Spinelli had tasked him with remembering. In order to fulfill his request it meant that Jason had to be in the world and of the world no matter how much it seemed an intolerable load at this very moment. _

_Sighing, he brushed at the tears brimming in his eyes and trickling down his face. "I know but it's so hard…it's so hard to be the one left behind. It hurts so much." _

_Jason was seldom this open, this emotionally exposed and Diane Miller knew it. She struggled to find words that would give comfort or even false hope, anything that might help._

"_Remember that day at the coffee shop? When that man had him pinned down on the table and you and Max and Milo came out in full threat-guns trained on the fool that would dare to touch him?"_

_A reminiscent smile curved Jason's lips, "Yeah, I remember, the two of you were great. You scared the hell out of him by saying that we would be within our full legal rights to shoot him. Then Spinelli got an apology out of him and fleeced him of all his money in order to give it to the Red Cross."_

"_Exactly, that was Mr. Grasshopper at his finest. He was compassionate and ardent on behalf of others. He showed us all that day how we should behave, what could happen if we all just banded together against the bullies and the bigots in the world." Diane paused and looked up intently at Jason, it was difficult to see his face clearly through the thickening snowfall. "I think that's what we need to focus on. We need to evoke who he was and how he lived. Then we should honor his memory by trying to implement his 'creed' as it were to do right by people regardless of where they come from or what they have. To simply be humane…"_

_Jason nodded his head in agreement with her. "Yeah, that's who he was, someone that always treated others with respect, who tried to help people whenever and wherever he could. Everyone ought to be more like Spinelli."_

"_Mr. Morgan?" It was Father Coates, his approach had been muffled by the dampening effects of the snow. "I'm sorry to intrude but I must be getting back. I just wanted to once again offer my sincere condolences for your loss."_

_Jason turned and shook the priest's outstretched hand. "Thank you, Father. I'm sorry…about before…" He was the only person that Jason felt he owed an apology to for his outburst, his tarnishing of the mass. The priest had certainly done nothing but his best offices on Jason's and more importantly-Spinelli's-behalf. _

_Father Coates smiled wryly, "It's quite all right. Grief is one of the most heart wrenching, honest emotions we experience. You were just caught up in its intensity, its overwhelming bitterness." He sketched a wave in farewell and turned to trudge down the hill. He was soon lost to sight behind a wall of white._

_Jason looked down disapprovingly at Diane's entirely inappropriate footwear. "How the hell did you get up here in those?" He asked her, genuinely curious about something for the first time in months._

_She simpered at him and arched an eyebrow as she replied. "Women have always suffered for fashion."_

"_Yeah, yeah," he muttered as he bent down and swept her up in his arms._

"_Jason!" She shrieked, as she flailed her arms to gain her balance in this totally new and unexpected position. "What on earth?" By this time, she had wrapped one arm around his neck to maintain her balance and had placed her other hand on his chest while she stared at him with a blush rising on her cheeks. "I must say this is very gallant of you." She murmured, her eyelashes lowering over her eyes as she looked down in-real or mimicked-coyness. _

"_I'd be doing this one way or the other. You couldn't make it more than five feet before you'd be flat on your butt. At least this way, I won't have to take you to the hospital this afternoon." He was almost smiling as he started to make his way down the hill with his faux burden._

"_I should have guessed," Diane's voice drifted back up to the sexton who was starting to fill in the grave. "You can take the mob enforcer out of his jeans and t-shirt and put him in Armani but he's still a mob enforcer…"_

_The reception had been a meaningless blur. Jason would have skipped it if he could. Diane had insisted on going and he had felt obligated to follow her little hybrid in his SUV to make sure she didn't wreck on the increasingly dangerous roads. Then once they had arrived at the hotel she had cajoled him into coming up with her. He knew he was the host and with Maxie not there it was up to him to put in an appearance. _

_He stood in front of the roaring fireplace an untouched bottle of beer in his hand while his soaked suit steamed gently in the heat from the flames. Carly had put together a buffet with every unhealthy form of junk food that Spinelli had adored. There were bowls of barbecued potato chips, bottles of orange soda and grilled cheese sandwiches mixed in with more conventional hors d' oeuvres and crudities along with a selection of wines and beers. _

_Jason was actually somewhat diverted watching people that had obviously never tasted it before take a tentative swallow of orange soda and immediately look as though they wanted to spit it out. Instead for the sake of respect they forced themselves to swallow it. Then they would put the bottle down, looking around furtively to see if they were being watched, and make good their escape. From the number of abandoned bottles of orange soda littering various surfaces of the room, Jason presumed this scenario had played out quite a few times. He smiled to think of Spinelli's outrage at this repetitive slight to "the nectar of the Gods." Then the smile faded as he thought of all the unopened bottles of soda and bags of potato chips in the penthouse that would now never be consumed._

"_Jason?" It was Carly, she was staring at him with concern in her eyes. "How are you holding up?"_

_He shrugged, "I'm okay, Carly." They both knew it was a blatant lie. _

"_No, really," she stepped closer, pressing him for a confidence, presuming on their age old bond. "How was it at the cemetery?"_

"_It was awful. I don't think I would have gotten through it if Diane Miller hadn't shown up." He let her in just that far and no further, the rest she would have to guess at._

_Carly knew it was all he was going to share. She looked speculatively over at Diane wondering if she could get the story out of her but lawyers, they could keep their mouths shut when it was called for._

_So, all she said was, "Yes, she can actually be quite human sometimes. I am glad you weren't alone." _

_He nodded his head, suddenly Jason was overcome by fatigue, he hadn't slept, really slept, in he didn't know how long. "Look, Carly," he began. "I'm so grateful that you did all this for me, for Spinelli but I'm beat. I just can't stand here and make small talk or watch people chatter on about him. It's too much…I'm going to go." He put the beer on the mantel piece and stepped forward to brush his cold lips against her cheek. "Thanks again," he whispered into her ear, wanting her to know how much he appreciated her._

_Carly swallowed, her eyes filled with tears as she reached up a hand to caress his lined and tired face. She desperately wished that she could erase the anguish of loss from his eyes but she knew from experience that nothing but time could do that and maybe not even then. _

"_You're welcome. You'll call me if you need anything…right?"_

"_Sure," it was little more than a sigh and a mendacious one at that._

_So, now he was back at the penthouse. He had made it home (home-he might have to redefine that term) safely through the worsening storm. He had deposited his keys neatly on the desk and had removed the hated necktie. He was no longer sleepy in the slightest and the night stretched before him endlessly. All he felt, all he had been feeling was a dull ache in the pit of his stomach that was the constant reminder of his loss of the changed status of his life, his very existence. _

_The apartment echoed with silence and loneliness. He really couldn't remember back to when it had been just been him living here. First there had been Sam, then Sam and Spinelli and finally just Spinelli. Jason never realized how he had become used to returning home to Spinelli's noise, his concern, his happiness at seeing him. It was just the background accompaniment to his life and he had taken it for granted. It was always there and was always going to be there except when it suddenly wasn't. _

_Jason was finding that it took losing Spinelli to make him recognize how valued, how important, really how essential he had been to him. He didn't know if he could continue to live in the penthouse to be bombarded with painful memories at every turn. Yet, if he left, if he moved to some new place they had never shared then all those triggers would be lost. The stairs Spinelli regularly launched himself down, the door he burst through with total exuberance, the couch and the desk where he worked feverishly at his laptop-all of it gone. Spinelli was everywhere in the penthouse and it was a bittersweet consolation for Jason, like being offered only the aroma when what you really craved was a complete steak dinner. _

_Wearily he pulled himself up the stairs to the second floor. His hand was on his bedroom door preparatory to entering when he looked down the hallway. He couldn't help himself, he walked the few extra steps and turned the handle opening the door. Jason reached in and flicked the light switch. The unnatural pink of the walls popped out at him as he gazed around the room. It was emptier than usual. The hospital bed had been returned and the original bed had yet to be brought out from the storage bedroom. Jason moved into the room looking at everything through fresh eyes. He saw bookshelves piled high with books on every imaginable subject and genre. There were graphic novels mixed in with biographies intermingled with books of poetry and science fiction. _

_Whenever he was faced with this side of his roommate's life Jason was awed. Spinelli had been the single most intelligent and well informed person he had ever met. Yet, there had never been the slightest hint of arrogance in his mastery of the complex, the obscure, and the philosophical. No, at best he had been self-effacing about his astounding intellect and at worst he had consistently tried to bury it under efforts to become more "manly" more like Jason. That was a worthless pursuit if Jason had ever seen one. _

_On his desk resided a computer and a keyboard and that was where Jason's knowledge ended. There were all kinds of additional pieces of electronic equipment with a matte black finish which glowed with tiny ruby red eyes. Spinelli hadn't had the inclination or energy to do anything with a computer for the weeks preceding his death. Jason didn't know what he was going to do with the stuff now, maybe donate it to a school so that it could be put to some practical use. _

_His eyes were drawn temptingly back to the books. They were really where the power and the passion behind Spinelli's knowledge and his brain resided. He reached over and idly picked out a book, it was Jack Kerouac's "On the Road". Jason went and sat down on the rug in the corner. This was the only part of the penthouse that attracted him that he wanted to be in. It made him feel fractionally closer to Spinelli._

_He started thumbing through the book surprised to find that certain passages engaged his attention. He began to read in earnest discovering that he had a connection, an almost instinctive comprehension of what the author was experiencing and expressing about his journey through life by describing it through the metaphor that was his travels through America. If it had been a few years earlier-this book, this exposure might have been the catalyst for what Jason would do next. _

_He could envision himself climbing on his bike and heading out on the endless blacktops that twisted and looped around and across America. It could literally be years before you would have to find yourself repeating a route, going back a way you had already come. Yet, Jason had been there and done that. He had gone through that phase of his life, had reveled in and indulged his wanderlust. While it was true that sometimes he still had the urge to hit the road, to leave Port Charles-maybe forever. It was easily quelled by a fast, reckless journey through local back roads defying God or fate or whoever it was that rolled the dice and decided if he would survive that particular ride. Jason's only contribution was to try and not tip the balance towards one particular outcome or the other. After all, that would be cheating._

_He rested the book in his lap and stared unseeingly at the wall. No, Jason had no intention of heading of into the figurative or literal wilderness of back road America. He somehow was attached to this place and this time-Port Charles, the penthouse, really the people in his life. He had connections and history here and they had become entwined with his sense of self. He had evolved from wanting to be anonymous, to move through the world as a shadow-felt but not seen-to being defined as a citizen, a resident, perhaps even a participant in the tapestry that was life in Port Charles. As bereft as he currently was, leaving didn't seem to be an option. He would lose his ties to his son, his mother, his friends (and he guessed he did have some of those) and most of all his memories of Spinelli. _

_Jason sighed and ran his fingers distractedly through his hair. So, it seemed he knew what he didn't want-he wasn't going to go-but that begged the question of what he did want, what he ought to do. His future was a blank slate, unknowable to him. _

_Sonny had removed another option from his list of possibilities. Unsurprisingly, he had struck while Jason was distracted with worrying about and caring for Spinelli. He had come in and physically taken back his precious organization in a bloodless coup. Jason had returned home one afternoon to shower and change his clothes and he found Cody agitatedly waiting for him._

"_What's up?" Jason had asked him not really caring one way or the other. _

"_It's Sonny," Cody continued to pace up and down even when Jason let them both into the penthouse. "He's set up an office in one your warehouses-the Corinthos' warehouse…" _

_Cody trailed off, it was all so confusing. He liked following orders not giving them or having to decide what to do with his natural loyalty to Jason. It was Jason who had taken him on, given him an entrée into the business. Cody had found that he liked the work, he enjoyed using his skills acquired in the military in this slightly dark, somewhat twisted new world he had fallen into. He craved action and liked knowing that he was better at what he did than almost anyone except perhaps Jason himself. He didn't want to give it up, couldn't imagine going back out into the hostile work force and trying to find legitimate employment as a veteran with a documented drug problem. No, if it weren't for the issues of trust and betrayal that had clouded the relationship between Sonny and Jason during the entire time Cody had known both of them, he would have gladly accepted the change in the command structure and simply kept on doing what he was good at. Still, he owed it to Jason to stand by him and help him fight to keep the organization if that was what he wanted to do._

"_Cody," Jason cut through his tangle of thoughts and anxieties. "Don't worry about it. I'm not going to contest Sonny over taking back the business. He's been like a bear with a thorn in his paw ever since he signed it over to me. I can't deal with any of this right now. It just doesn't matter."_

_Cody had never seen Jason like this so defeated looking and uncaring about things. He was sure that he would have been coldly furious to hear about Sonny's preemptive strike on his position and territory. He thought it must mean that Spinelli was dying, was near the end. _

"_Jason," he began speaking tentatively, intent on displaying his loyalty. "What do you want me to do…I mean about Sonny?"_

"_Do?" Jason responded absently, his mind was already on what he had to accomplish here at the penthouse so he could once again return to the hospital and be with Spinelli. Still, Cody had been a loyal retainer and he owed him his attention, perhaps even his guidance. "Whatever you want or need to do. If you would like to continue in the organization and you don't mind working for Sonny then that's fine. Sonny can always use a good man. If you need to leave-well, that's okay too. It's up to you Cody, do what's best for you."_

_Cody was relieved, this hadn't been nearly as awkward or difficult as he had feared. "Mr. Corinthos said I could stay on. So, that's what I think I'll do. I just needed to make sure that you were all right with everything that there wasn't something you needed me for?" He turned it into a question to get a response out of Jason and so that he could be sure that he really was on board with everything that was happening including Cody's decision. _

"_No thanks, Cody, I'm good. It's settled then. Good luck working with Sonny and if you ever need anything just give me a call." Jason held out his hand wanting to show that there weren't any ill feelings that he didn't consider himself betrayed in any way by Cody's choice. Mostly though, he just wanted him gone so he could get back to focusing on what was important which right now was Spinelli. _

_That had been weeks ago and Jason hadn't once heard from or seen Sonny. He hadn't even bothered to call or send a card expressing his sympathy for Spinelli's death. He was probably too busy getting the business operating the way it had previously while incorporating the Zacchara operation into the mix. Idly he wondered if Diane had stayed on as the organization's attorney. He rather thought not since she and Sonny had clashed quite a bit in the past. She didn't like his volatile temper, his dictatorial attitude about aspects of her personal life. Furthermore, she disapproved of many of his business decisions which were often made in the heat of emotion rather than with the cool logic Jason used as his managerial style. _

_Jason was surprised to find that he didn't particularly miss Sonny. He had spent so much time agonizing over the break-up of their friendship, the loss of the presence of this man he had admired and respected for so many years from his life. He had felt love, loyalty, and friendship for Sonny. More recently the emotions had developed more destructive connotations-anger, frustration, irritation, but never hate-no, not that. Now, though it was as though any feelings whether positive or negative had been burned out of him. He and Sonny had gone past the point of no return. Perhaps Jason had endured one too many insults, had been treated dismissively once too often. Whatever the reason, when Jason now looked inside himself he discovered that he had become indifferent to Sonny's fate, his life, his interests, his wants and needs. _

_Jason would have thought that such an enormous shift in one of the most important and basic relationships in his life-after all, it had contributed in a large proportion to making him the man he was today-would leave him feeling empty, missing some fundamental part of himself but that wasn't how it was. Somehow, without his realizing it, Spinelli had filled up all the spaces formerly occupied by Sonny. So, now when they were both gone-one by tragedy and the other by choice-it was only Spinelli Jason missed, only Spinelli he mourned and only Spinelli he would have done anything including trading his soul to the devil to have back in his life. _

_Jason presumed he would see Sonny at some point. Paths always crossed in Port Charles. If nothing else, he knew that he would want the i's dotted and the t's crossed on the official and legal transfer of the ownership of the business. Jason would do it freely, he simply didn't care anymore. Sonny couldn't survive without being in the mob. It was the defining aspect of his life and he needed the control, the power, the violence as an affirmation of who and what he was._

_Yet, that is where he and Jason fundamentally differed. Being an enforcer had been the only occupation for which Jason had felt he was suited. It had provided a path for him to get through an alien world with his defenses up and his pride intact. It didn't define who he was though. Now, he was just beginning to think that the answer to that particular conundrum might be the most vital thing in his life because without it he wouldn't be able to move forward._

"_So," he thought twisting his neck in an attempt to relieve the stiffness and the soreness that had become his constant companions over these past weeks. "If I am not going to hit the road and I am no longer associated with the Port Charles mob, where does that leave me?" _

_Jason had the luxury of being able to remove money from the equation. He had enough to last himself as well as others like Jake, Cameron or, he devoutly wished he were here to need it, Spinelli-several lifetimes over. Whatever he chose to do he didn't have to hold it up against the almost universal benchmark of financial need. He supposed in that way he was luckier than most it was just that it didn't feel much like it right now. _

_Jason thought back to his earlier conversation with Diane Miller. He reflected on what she had said regarding Spinelli about what he valued, what was important to him. _

"_Helping others." Jason said it aloud, rolling it around in his mouth, testing the syllables of the simple words as though they contained more than letters. It was a revelation-that is what Spinelli did. Every time he popped open his laptop, each instance when he bestowed a complimentary nickname on someone, whenever he went into a situation and fought for what he believed in, he was invariably acting on the behalf of others. That was his legacy and it was producing the first glimmer of what Jason could imagine himself doing in order to both contribute to the world and at the same time memorialize Spinelli. _

_Slowly Jason began to get up off of the floor. Still clutching at the book he headed for the door all the while pondering the idea that had come to him. He could do this, he would start tonight. Jason couldn't stand being in the penthouse a moment longer, it was too tomblike, too full of uncomfortable memories that he couldn't shut out. He thought that maybe if he were truly exhausted in body and mind that he could come back and be here and hopefully even sleep. Perhaps in the light of day, with the sun shining through the windows it would be tolerable. What he was planning to do worked better at night anyway-that's usually when true desperation and fear reared their ugly heads. _

_Twenty minutes later Jason was once again downstairs and reaching into the closet for his leather jacket. He had changed out of his ruined suit and was back in his uniform of black t-shirt, jeans and boots. Somehow the Kerouac book had traveled with him through the quick shower-resting on the bathroom counter-and now it was grasped in his hand as he put on his jacket. Pausing he looked down at it reflectively, in such a short period of time it had become a type of talisman and he was reluctant to let it go. Jason thought that the success of his project might be inextricably entangled with this book from Spinelli's room that he was no longer sure he had chosen purely by accident. Sighing, not liking to think of himself as superstitious, he tucked the book into his jacket pocket and headed out into the stormy night resolving to come to the aid of all who might cross his path and require his unique brand of help. _

_The sliding doors to the ER opened and Epiphany Johnson glanced up from the chart she was recording notations in. "No, not him, not yet anyway," she said to herself with a sigh._

_It was a late summer Saturday night in Port Charles and the moon was full. That was a combination of factors sure to put any ER on alert for an influx of patients and bizarre occurrences. For the past eight or so months, Epiphany had become a fixture on the night shift-particularly on the weekends. _

_There was much speculation among the staff about why she, a senior charge nurse, would actively seek such a demanding schedule. It was common knowledge that all the really screwy things happened during the night shift. It seemed like you were either swimming in bodily fluids or bored out of your mind and longing for your nice warm bed. There wasn't any happy medium with the night shift it was either paralyzing ennui or the full out adrenalin rush of crisis mode. It made no sense for an experienced and respected nurse such as Epiphany Johnson to actually volunteer time and again to work on the rollercoaster ride that was the night shift. _

_Still, there was plenty of gossip and speculation about why she was doing it. The two main theories were concerned with greed and lust. The greed aspect came in because she would earn a per diem associated with working nights. Most people discounted this angle because it just didn't fit Epiphany's profile as a dedicated nurse. She didn't seem to care that much about money and it really wasn't enough extra to make all the drawbacks of the night shift palatable._

_So, that left only lust as the other contender. This hypothesis had the benefit of having some basis in truth. The maintenance worker Touissant Dubois had long been the acknowledged apple of Epiphany's eye. It wasn't even an unrequited feeling, Touissant liked her too. So, most people believed that Epiphany Johnson had started working the night shift to be closer to and spend more time with her-what-boyfriend just seemed too wrong a word to use with regard to her-gentleman companion-now that fit. _

_The reality was that neither camp was correct about Epiphany's motivation for choosing to work the night shift. She did get to see more of Touissant and they were both happy about that. Still, she had a life outside the hospital and he was already an active part of it. No, there was one reason and one reason only that Epiphany had moved her working hours and no one had come close to guessing what it was. _

_It was simple-Epiphany Johnson was on the night shift because of Jason Morgan. He hadn't asked her to turn her calm ordered working life upside down for him. It was unclear if he even realized that she had done so but she thought he probably suspected it. It was there in his eyes when he came through those sliding doors of an evening. There was always a moment when he would look around the ER appraisingly in order to see who was on duty, who was familiar and approachable. His face would light up when he would catch sight of Epiphany and there would be a slight relaxation in the sharp planes of his countenance, as he approached her with his newest rescue tagging reluctantly along behind him. _

_It started a few weeks after Spinelli's funeral. Epiphany began to hear stories through the grape vine about Jason Morgan coming into the hospital almost nightly. It wasn't like the old days where he would be there because he or someone that worked for or with him had been shot or knifed or assaulted. No, these days Jason was bringing in a very motley crew of people. _

_He brought in old homeless men that had no teeth, stank to high heaven and were suffering from alcohol poisoning. He escorted in young prostitutes that had been viciously beaten up by their pimps or clients. None of the medical staff were naïve enough as to inquire about what might have happened to the john or the pimp. Besides, this was Jason Morgan, they already knew the answer. Occasionally, he would come in with rival gang members bleeding from various parts of their anatomy after having been in a fierce testosterone fueled battle for dominance over territory. _

_Sometimes Jason hung out at the ER waiting to see if his charge was going to be all right. He would sit in the hard plastic chairs of the waiting area, pulling a book out of his hip pocket and reading patiently through the long hours of waiting. The reading alone was enough to herald to anyone who knew him in the slightest that this was a new and from all accounts improved model of Jason Morgan. _

_Epiphany wanted to see it for herself. So, she started asking to be assigned to the night shift several times a week-preferably on the weekends. Her first couple of rotations produced no Jason sightings and what was even worse she was forcefully reminded of how much she had hated the night shift. It consisted of mind and butt numbing boredom that was just as suddenly followed by a multiple vehicle accident that required all hands on deck until the wee hours of the morning. Then it was back to such excruciating boredom she was barely able to keep her eyes open until the shift was over. By that point all she could think of doing was to crawl into her comfortable and welcoming bed swearing never again to herself._

"_I'm too old for this bullshit," she would tell herself firmly. Yet, there she would be back the following weekend waiting to see if the modern equivalent of a Sir Galahad really did exist and was going to show up in person at her ER. _

_Halfway through her third night shift he appeared, making a dramatic entrance through the sliding doors. He was carrying a young boy-couldn't have been more than thirteen or fourteen tops-his head flopping back, blood streaming out of ragged wound in his neck. Jason was followed by a hysterical woman clutching a small girl to her chest-the boy's mother and little sister respectively._

_Jason relinquished his hold on the boy as he placed him carefully on a gurney. He succinctly answered Epiphany's inquiry as to what had happened, all the while his eyes were following the gurney as it was being rolled away towards the trauma team assembled in cubicle one _

"_Stepfather took a large knife to him when he wouldn't get up and get him the TV remote." Jason spoke without expression, his laconic answer somehow managing to dredge up all the horror and squalor encompassed by the nightmare living conditions of this family._

"_The stepfather?" Epiphany asked, looking behind Jason towards the ER doors as though she expected to see a second patient being brought in._

_Jason just stared at her blankly not saying a word but Epiphany could read his thoughts as though he had shouted them from the rooftops. "What the fuck do you think happened to him?"_

_This was one of the nights that Jason stayed and this time he didn't just go to one of the uncomfortable ER chairs and read. No, he helped calm down the anguished mother and held the little girl until she fell asleep. Then he commandeered enough blankets and pillows to make a comfortable nest for her as she slept on through the events of the night. The unyielding plastic contours of her makeshift bed and the harsh flickering fluorescent overheads were no deterrent to her uninterrupted slumber. She had slept in much worse circumstances and fully expected she would again but not if Jason Morgan had anything to say about it._

_He was in his full savior mode this evening and Epiphany was able to watch it with close attention and fascination. When social services were called and a wet behind the ears social worker came down to deal with the family drama Jason actually charmed her-he really did! Epiphany would never have believed the concept of Jason Morgan flirting and flattering, working his not inconsiderable charisma to get something he wanted. That is until the night she saw it with her own eyes. He managed to convince the girl that things weren't as bad as they appeared and that he personally would make sure the family was taken care of, would find them a safe haven. _

"_Jason Morgan doesn't lie", how many times had Epiphany heard that said by leather jacket boy's fan club? Yet, she had an inkling tonight that maybe it wasn't that far fetched, that perhaps when it really counted if he said he would do something then you could treat it as already fait accompli._

_Jason made some calls and set up housing for the family. The son made it through surgery and the mother was reassured that he was going to live, that by some miracle her family was being granted a second chance tonight. Jason had her and the little girl taken to their new home and told them to get some rest. He promised to stay with the boy until they returned in the morning. Now, Epiphany got a glimpse of the famous book, it was a torn and crumpled dog eared thing that looked as though it had been out in all kinds of weather. Probably had been, she realized. Jason seated himself next to the boy's bed and settled in for the rest of the night._

_That was the shift that Epiphany comprehended what she had to do, perhaps even what she was compelled to do. That was when she began almost exclusively working the night shift. It meant that now when Jason came into the ER on his multiple weekly visits he was usually assured of finding someone who was complicit with him, who would assist him in helping the downtrodden and friendless population of Port Charles one soul at a time. That someone, that convert to the Jason Morgan interpretation of the Damian Spinelli version of the golden rule was none other than Epiphany Johnson and not another person knew it. Both the camps were wrong, it wasn't greed and it wasn't lust-no, it was simply good old fashioned compassion._

_Over the weeks and months that she had worked the night shift, Epiphany deciphered Jason's schedule, his rhythms and his motivations. His main focus was the disenfranchised and the weak that could be found wandering the streets of Port Charles an any given night. Jason was a creature of the dark and he assisted those that were victims of that selfsame darkness. He was vital and strong and those that were weak could depend on him to help and defend them._

_Jason came in with the elderly, women and children. They were the predominant population that he concentrated his efforts on. Yet, anyone suffering on his watch would be given consideration and support if he deemed they required it at the particular moment in time. Jason didn't discriminate but he did judge. He brought in the victims but it was clear that if he had access to the assailants that they paid right then and there. Oftentimes, while some woman who had been raped or beaten was being tended in one of the curtained ER cubicles a man would be brought into one of the adjoining cubicles-himself badly beaten often to the point of unconsciousness. _

_Epiphany would look over at Jason and see the grim cast to his face and watch as he would stand up and hover protectively around the cubicle the woman was being treated in. It was obvious that what had happened to the man was courtesy of Jason and that he was damned well going to make sure that the victim would never again have to deal with her abuser. _

_Epiphany found that she had absolutely no problem with Jason's approach to settling the disputes of the street. She supposed it was vigilantism and as a right thinking citizen she ought to oppose it and condemn Jason for his actions. Still, every time she looked at the bruised face and blackened eyes of some poor woman who had been on the receiving end of a man's fist she felt nothing but a thrill of vindication when seeing that selfsame man's face be a mirror reflection to the woman's. Jason meted out biblical retaliation and it suited him and Epiphany just fine._

_Jason realized that with his frequent unsolicited bringing in of patients to the hospital he was straining the budget available to care for the uninsured. He didn't want to tangle with the administration-particularly Miss. Sneed who had never met a bean that didn't need counting at least three times over. So, he simply did an end run around them. Almost invariably he would pay the costs of the ER visit for those he brought in. It was considered to be irregular but the bureaucrats at General Hospital had no scruples about who paid for what. As long as the credit card cleared it was all the same to them._

_Jason didn't come into the hospital every night. Epiphany slowly learned that he had a regular set of rounds he made each evening. He helped people that needed shelter or food not just medical attention. It wasn't only people he helped either. One night Epiphany heard an elderly woman thanking Jason for saving an abandoned litter of kittens and taking them to the animal shelter. He looked up and caught Epiphany's eye and quickly turned his head away in embarrassment. _

_Epiphany's lips quirked in amusement as she thought to herself, "Who would have ever thought it, Jason Morgan rescuing kittens?"_

_Saturday nights weren't just busy for the ER they were busy for Jason as well. Epiphany couldn't remember the last weekend that she had worked when she hadn't seen Jason. As a matter of fact he often came in and deposited his most recent rescue requiring medical attention and then would turn right around and head back out. Some nights he would be in and out of the ER three to four times. So, it was strange that Epiphany was halfway through her shift on a hectic Saturday night and had yet to see hide or hair of Jason Morgan. _

"_Must be getting soft in my old age!" She snorted to herself, caught in-between concern and irritation. "If there's anyone who can take care of himself it's that boy." Still, it was unusual that he hadn't shown up…_

_Just then the doors whooshed open and Jason appeared as though Epiphany had conjured him up. She looked up relieved that he was all right and ready to say something entirely nasty to him in order to both vent her feelings and punish him for worrying her needlessly. _

"_Mr. Morgan, the one night of the year you could do some good around here and I suppose you were off somewhere drinking or riding that dangerous motor…" She didn't even know how she was going to finish the sentence because her attention was caught by two things. Jason Morgan was carrying a baby in his arms and he was smiling._

_The first of these two was less surprising, or perhaps disturbing was the word, than the second. Over the length of their association Epiphany had seen Jason with babies several times. Once or twice he had even come in with them alone as he had tonight. Usually they were somehow connected with teenage mothers who were often little more than children themselves. Sometimes the babies were victims of abuse, damaged beyond saving by their young parents' inability to cope with their own lives never mind taking care of a small entirely dependent being. _

_Those were the visits that saw Jason at the end of his tether. He would be in despair as he carried in the tiny fragile being with vain hope etched on his face as he handed it over to Epiphany mutely begging her to save it, to perform a miracle, to do the impossible. Then he would wait silent and implacable as he forced the mother or sometimes the father, though seldom both, to hold vigil with him. He made them face the awful outcome of a young, untouched life cut short by the very person or persons the infant should most have been able to trust, to rely upon. _

_Both Epiphany and Jason shed tears on those awful nights, separately and behind closed doors but they each guessed about the other. So, unfortunately it wasn't all that unique to see Jason carrying a baby and yes, he had come in once or twice-no, only once Epiphany thought-unaccompanied with an infant in his care. It wasn't the baby per se that gave Epiphany pause it was the baby _and _the smile together that perturbed her._

_Jason smiling, it was unnatural. During the years she had known Jason she could probably count on one hand the number of times she had seen him smile. In most cases it was really little more than a twitch of his lips, an overall lightening of his expression. On another person it wouldn't even qualify as a smile but with Jason Morgan you took what you could get. Most times when she had seen that pseudo-smile of his it had always been in conjunction with a handful of people-Elizabeth, Jake (Epiphany knew all about that poorly kept secret!), Emily, Robin, and Damian Spinelli. That was pretty much it, the people in Jason's world that were worth a small upward curving of his lips._

_Even that small sign of humor or compassion had been absent during these past intense months of hospital visits. When you are bringing in people who are hypothermic and malnourished, who have knife and gunshot wounds, who have been raped or have had to deliver their babies on the street it isn't very conducive to laughing or smiling. Jason and indeed Epiphany hadn't had much to share that would light up either one of their faces. Even when there was a success story when someone lived or an abuser was removed from the cycle it was still only a minor victory not a triumph. _

_They both knew that it would be the same old thing the next day and the next and the next. Considering everything that they faced on a daily-no, nightly-basis it wasn't particularly amazing that neither of them smiled much. No, the truly astounding thing was that they both kept showing up, that they didn't just throw up their hands and quit. They would leave the smiles and laughter to others. For Epiphany and Jason it was enough to exchange a heartfelt glance of relief or understanding across the ER as once more someone survived to fight another day. _

_Epiphany stared suspiciously at Jason as he approached the central desk. She had long since stopped seeing him as anyone but Jason the way people do when they work side by side in life and death situations. She knew intimately his outfit of black t-shirt, jeans, boots and the leather jacket worn as a concession to rain or snow. She was familiar with the changes his astonishing eyes could undergo depending on his feelings. They could be icy one minute as he faced off with a gang banger and totally soft and tender the next as he held a young child in his arms and crooned softly to get her to relax. That was all Jason and she didn't register his individual parts anymore, why should she? There was nothing she didn't know, nothing new to comment upon-until tonight._

_That smile, it was gorgeous there wasn't any other word for it! If she were fifteen, no ten years…to hell with it-right now sounded damn good. How could she have not realized that this was hiding under all that austerity, that gloom, that end of days charade? He was transformed, he radiated light and people in the ER stopped and stared at him as he walked by. Most of the women in the room including Epiphany looked like they would pay him to spend time with them and tack on a lot more if he would only agree to fulfill certain of the fantasies they were currently entertaining…_

_Jason had reached the desk entirely oblivious to the impact that his presence was having on the female half of the people in the waiting area. Epiphany gave herself a mental shake and tried to bring her mind back into focus to find out about the baby Jason held so tenderly in his arms. All her resolution vanished and her heart melted and her knees gave out as he did the impossible and increased the wattage of that breathtaking smile to the point where she had to turn away in order to collect herself._

"_Epiphany," his voice was soft and joyous and it contained something so alien, so foreign to their grim world-hope. "Look, Epiphany, look!"_

_She turned back, intentionally not meeting his eyes, she wasn't sure what she would do or say in her muddled condition. So instead she looked down at the baby he was extending towards her. Instinctively, she reached for it thinking that is what he required of her to take the baby from him. She was wrong, the minute she stretched her arms out for it, he snatched the baby back, refusing to let her take it. Then as she looked up at his face she saw the smile had dimmed and there was now a frown line between his eyes as he shook his head in denial._

"_No, I mean _look_ Epiphany, look at him!" The words spilled out, his former excitement was back and he once again held out the baby confident she would now know to look but not touch._

_Epiphany had never seen Jason like this-so frenetic, so agitated, acting like he was ready to jump out of his skin. Tentatively she slowly reached a hand out not trying to touch the baby this time. She simply wanted to pull back the blanket wrapped around it in order to do as Jason had requested and look, really look at it. It seemed that she had got it right-what he wanted-and this time he didn't pull away, didn't try to stop her. She sensed without looking that the smile was back on his face in full force. She thought perhaps he wasn't even aware of smiling that it was coming from somewhere deep inside him, a place beyond his control._

_All thoughts and worries and concerns about Jason were forgotten as Epiphany got her first glimpse of the baby's face. She did a double take and then leaned in and really stared. It couldn't be, it absolutely couldn't be. She took a step backwards not sure what she was seeing or feeling or what she ought to do. She gazed up at Jason's face as he grinned and nodded at her in acknowledgment._

"_You see it. You do see it, don't you? He was practically begging her for confirmation as though he needed her to assuage any doubts that he might have particularly where his sanity was concerned._

_Epiphany knew that was what he was thinking because she was currently in the process of checking her own mental faculties. She was too stunned to be articulate and all she could manage was to breath out a reverent, "Oh, my God!"_

_It was enough, Jason laughed triumphantly. Then he pulled the baby close to him and holding him against his shoulder soothingly patted his back. This time it was Epiphany's turn to grin in delight at Jason._

"_It's a miracle!" she said once again becoming a good daughter of her local Baptist church before all the darkness, death and disillusionment had conspired to take away her faith in such things. _

_._


	4. FoundPart II

__

**_A/N: I have no rights or affiliation with the characters presented within this piece_**

_Second Chances_

_Chapter 4: Found-Part II_

_This Saturday night had started out like the forty or so other ones that Jason had experienced over the months he had been walking the streets of Port Charles trying to help others in order to honor Spinelli's memory. When it turned dark he would go out to some chosen section of town. He had actually divided it into quadrants though they all were within walking distance of the penthouse and the hospital. Jason didn't use the motorcycle or SUV on his nightly forays. _

_He knew that in order to get a sense of a neighborhood of a group of people you had to walk among them. It was the same reason that police forces in some cities had reinstituted the idea of having policeman walk or ride on a horse or a bicycle their assigned beat. It was the only way to develop an intimacy with the residents of an area and with that access came acceptance and awareness. _

_It was this basic principle of blending in with a neighborhood that enabled Jason to be privy to the dark side of human nature. The residents trusted him because they knew he wasn't about the law. He was only interested in helping and avenging and his was a solo act. When he did call in external forces-such as an ambulance or the fire department or, very rarely, the police it was because the situation was beyond his ability to fix it. _

_People came to him when they were in trouble and they came to him when others were in trouble. Jason Morgan was a man you could depend upon to make things better when he could and help get you through it when he couldn't. He didn't turn away when things got difficult or dangerous or inconvenient. He wasn't lovable but then neither were they. He was simply the man that the time and circumstances had provided for the disenfranchised citizens of Port Charles._

_This Saturday evening he was patrolling a run down area of the docks. It wasn't the part of Port Charles that was undergoing gentrification where new lofts and businesses were springing up overnight. Those parts of the docks were populated by superficial young professionals that had no idea of the back breaking and exploitative labor that used to occur in the very offices they now sat in gazing proprietarily out over their splendid view of the harbor. In order to be sitting there they had to endure all the usual construction delays that went along with making a space livable such as removing the original claustrophobic warehouse windows. Yet, it was all worth it when they were replaced by beautiful Palladian arches that let in light and air and opened the building up to its full potential. Inconvenience in the service of beauty and comfort can be tolerated to a degree._

_No, the area of the docks that Jason was frequenting tonight was full of tumbledown warehouses half of which had condemnation notices tacked on their rickety front doors. There was no electricity, no running water, no sewage and the rats were fully empowered. Dwelling here was about as far away as someone could get from an elegant, minimalist loft with hard wood floors and still both be considered to be members of the human race in residence. _

_Jason was back behind one of the warehouses looking down sadly at the dead body of one Jock Dougan. He had met Jock many months ago on one of his first explorations of this region of the city. He was a homeless man who had been on the streets for more years then he could remember. He knew every aspect of surviving in a metropolitan area that had few resources for the dispossessed, harsh winters and was in general unforgiving of mistakes. Jock knew the ins and outs of making it year after year on the streets. It had taken a few encounters between him and Jason before he had decided that he could trust him and that he would support him in his efforts on the streets._

_Once Jock was in his corner the neighborhood followed soon after. It had been the one part of Port Charles that he genuinely looked forward to coming to on his patrols. He and Jock had become friends and he always started his night by coming to the alley where he resided during the summer months. Jock would fill him in on what had been happening since he had last been there and then he would give Jason a heads up about potential trouble spots that he might want to focus on, to check out. Jason had admired Jock, respected how his dignity, his humor and most of all his humanity had survived relatively unscathed through his long years of living on the fringes of society._

_He knew something was off tonight when he walked behind the dumpster that Jock sheltered behind. Usually Jock would have an illegal fire going and Jason would bring some beer and share one with Jock before setting off on his rounds. Tonight though there was no light from a fire, there was no familiar greeting of "Morgan, good to see you." No, there was only an inky blackness and an unnatural quiet as nothing, not even the rats, stirred within the recesses of the alley. _

_Jason was prepared for what was revealed by the light of his flashlight as the crumpled form on the sleeping bag was brought into vivid relief as though it were being lit by a spotlight on the stage. Expecting it did nothing to suppress the flood of grief and regret he felt as he stared down at the husk of what had just a few days ago been a vital, energized man. Jock had always reached a hand out in support to others though he had nothing of his own to claim except his spirit and his independence. He hadn't been changed by the harshness of his existence, he wasn't embittered. _

"_It was funny," Jason mused as he stared sorrowfully down at Jock. "A person can have all the money, all the resources in the world and not be comfortable in his own skin, never be satisfied with anything or anyone. Then there was Jock whose possessions, all his worldly goods," he looked around the alley probing the darkness with the light. Jason sighed, he should have guessed, the scavengers had already cleaned out Jock's stuff. They had only left the sleeping bag behind and that was probably less motivated by respect than by fear of the corpse. "Well, he wouldn't care, he would want them to have his things be happy that they were put to use. He didn't get trapped in the clutter. Jock knew who he was and he had no illusions about where he ended up but he made a life here. He'll be missed, I'll miss him…"_

_Jason hoped Jock could somehow hear the epitaph, it wasn't much but it was all he could dredge up and it was sincere. He was beginning to feel beaten down by his choices by this life-no, it was more of only an existence-he had selected in response to his grief at Spinelli's death. He thought he could pass through all the human misery and stay aloof from it, which is what he had done with regard to the death and the violence during his mob years-except that it was a lie. Every punch landed, every life extinguished had taken a toll. Yet, it was nothing compared to what he had experienced these last months. The sheer depth of human depravity and suffering he had borne witness to haunted him-awake or asleep-it made no difference. _

_He was beginning to think that there was no point to it all, he tried, again and again he tried and yet, it was all still there night after night. The fights, the violence, the abuse, the drugs, the squalor he didn't know if he could bear it anymore. Now, here he was looking down at Jock's body, one of the few decent people to live, actually live, in the midst of this hell hole and he was gone. Jason's world had dwindled down to making repetitive circles between the penthouse, the streets, the hospital and the shelters. His was a solitary way of life, the only people he ever regularly saw or connected with were Epiphany Johnson and Jock Dougan and now Jock was dead._

_Jason kneeled down next to Jock and shone the flashlight beam over him. He was revolted by the appearance of bit marks on his face and fingers, the rats had been at him. He had been dead for a while, at least a day or more. He was curled on his side and his eyes stared blankly at the brick wall of the alley. Jason climbed to his feet and called the morgue. He wondered briefly how many private citizens had the Port Charles City Morgue on their speed deal. They would come but it would take a while they were busy with the usual Saturday night craziness of the city. Jason would wait, he would stay with Jock and watch over him making sure that the rats wouldn't get anymore from him. Once the city was done with its formalities, Jason would claim the body and make sure he got a decent burial. _

_It was ironic really that Jock would probably be buried in a better style and fashion than he had lived. No one needed to point out to Jason how fucked up that was, he got it. It just merely underscored the point that the entire world was pretty fucked up. Jason knew he wasn't going to be making any rounds tonight. He wasn't sure if he were going to make any future ones either. Something seemed to have snapped in him tonight, it had finally reached the point where it was all too much. He'd wait with Jock and go home and then see how he felt tomorrow. He deserved a night off; no one could begrudge him that-no one. So, why the hell did he feel so guilty?_

"_What was that?" Jason shone the flashlight around the alley-nothing. He was leaning back against the wall, his arms folded when he heard it again._

"_God damn it! Not again and not tonight!" _

_Jason knew that sound, it was the mewling noise of a new born kitten. Over the months he had prowled the back streets of Port Charles he had encountered just as many animals, truthfully more, in distress as people. He saw starving, beaten and abandoned dogs and cats. Feral cats would hiss at him as he passed by in the dark. He really hated the trouncing his image took, at least in his mind's eye, when he started rescuing animals as well as people. It was just that he couldn't seem to help himself. He had seen that smirk on Epiphany's face when she heard about the kittens and he had cringed internally. Still, he was incapable of leaving a living creature in trouble to look out for itself._

_The Port Charles Animal Shelter was as familiar a haunt to him as the homeless shelter and the hospital. Every time he brought in a dog or a cat and that one memorable time an iguana he had found wandering the streets in a rain storm, he always made a donation to ensure they would care for the ones he saved. _

_There had been one particular dog, a skinny, nondescript thing with the saddest eyes Jason had ever seen. He had dropped him off at the shelter but he couldn't get the dog's pleading look as they led him away out of his mind. The next night he had gone in determined to claim it, to finally share his home once more with another living creature when he found they had killed him. They used the term 'euthanized' but Jason knew killing when he saw it. _

_Jason had been furious, had felt betrayed. He wondered how many of the other animals that he brought in, had thought he had protected and given a chance at a better life had actually been killed. Right then and there he started a campaign to make the shelter a no kill enterprise. He donated enough money for them to expand the building so as to be able to keep animals until they found homes for them. The shelter would no longer be able to blame overcrowding as the reason why they had to destroy these faithful companions of man whose only sin had been to be born._

_Now Jason made frequent surprise inspections to the shelter. He checked the records to see the deposition of the animals he brought in. He had even been known to do home visits to make sure the shelter workers weren't lying to him about what they did with them. He was a zealous and protective guardian of those unable to fend for themselves._

_Jason tried to locate where the meowing was coming from. He thought he might as well find the cat or cats and then after Jock was taken care of he would drop them off at the shelter. Young animals always found homes easily but he was toying with the idea of keeping one of the kittens from this litter. Maybe it was a sign of some sort that it was time to start ending his self imposed isolation and a pet was the way to begin. _

_Methodically, he moved up and down the alley sweeping his flashlight along the walls and into corners and crannies-nothing. Then he heard the noise again and he realized it was coming from the dumpster. He walked over and lifted the lid it came up with a protesting squeal that was startling in the silence of the alleyway. Jason shone the light into the black darkness of the metal container. Age old smells of rotting garbage emanated from the depths and Jason gagged reflexively. Breathing through his mouth he cast the light around the dumpster and suddenly froze. _

_It wasn't kittens, Jason knew it instantly. He saw a bundle in the corner, it was wrapped up in white fabric and it was squirming. He felt the oddest combination of fury and nausea rise up from his stomach and threaten to choke him. _

_He closed his eyes and rested his head against the cool metal of the dumpster for a brief moment. "How the hell could anyone do this? It's a baby…a baby!" _

_As though to underscore his recognition a high pitched wailing began in earnest, it was now no longer possible to recognize that sound as anything but what it was-an infant in misery. That noise had been programmed by evolution over the millennia to provoke a response, to be impossible to ignore. It was a survival mechanism and it worked exactly as intended by nature. _

_Galvanized, Jason propelled himself up over the side and into the smelly interior of the dumpster. Gently he bent down and picked up the baby and placed it carefully on the metal flap that still covered one half of the dumpster. He hopped back out and once more gathered up the baby mere seconds after laying it down. _

"_Ssh, Ssh…" he began but found it was unnecessary. It seemed the simple fact of contact with another person had been all the infant had been craving. It was once again quiet, nestled within the protective safety of Jason's arms._

"_If I ever find the person who put you in there," Jason said it softly, soothingly even but the grim promise in his voice was clear. _

_Suddenly Jason remembered the reason he had been in the alley to begin with. He looked mournfully down at Jock. "I'm sorry," he said to the silent remains of his friend, "I have to take care of the baby, get it checked out. They'll come for you and I'll make sure they take good care of you." He knew Jock would understand that the needs of the living always superseded those of the deceased. _

_Holding the baby in one arm, Jason again called the morgue and told them that he wouldn't be able to wait for them. He described how to find Jock. Bending down he put the flashlight upside down with the cone of light shining up until it was absorbed by the darkness. Jason didn't really need to have a private bet with himself as to whether or not the flashlight would still be there when the coroner's van arrived-he already knew the answer._

"_Let's get you checked out," he said to the tiny bundle in his arms as he walked towards the street at the front of the alley. There were burned out lights up and down the street. A few blocks down one solitary survivor flickered bravely trying its best to compensate for its fallen comrades but still only managing to light up a small radius directly below it._

_Jason stopped when he reached the street light. He wanted to examine the baby in the light and get an idea of what it looked like and what its health status was. He pulled the dirty white blanket back from its face, the baby's eyes were closed but there was something about it-no, him, Jason was somehow sure it was a boy-that resonated within him, that connected with him on an elemental level. Then the baby opened his eyes and it was all Jason could do not to drop him in response to the shock of what he was seeing…_

_Now, standing under the harsh lights of the ER with Epiphany gazing up at him and the baby he held so tenderly to his shoulder, Jason felt the first stirrings of what this all meant for him-right now, tonight-but more importantly down the road, in the future. Suddenly, he-Jason Morgan-had a future and that thought was almost more than he could comprehend. _

_He imagined that he used to think in terms of the future, the rest of his life back when he was Jason Quartermaine the beloved and treasured scion of that contentious and fractious clan. They had intended for him to go to medical school, to become a great and compassionate healer and to eventually marry appropriately thereby producing future generations of Quartermaines in order to keep the lineage strong. By all accounts, Jason himself had been pretty much on board with the prospects his parents and grandparents had outlined for him. Yet, he really didn't know any more than he had been told for the rudimentary reason that he couldn't remember any of it. _

_Certainly after the accident everything changed. He recalled nothing and felt nothing except an overriding all consuming anger. Then he had been taken under Sonny's tutelage and his fury had been channeled into the dark world of crime and intimidation where Jason-now Jason Morgan-had found his niche. Being a mob enforcer and then a mob boss-well, neither occupation was conducive to planning towards the future. If a bullet didn't get you then the police or the Feds might. It was a life lived on the edge and while the adrenalin might provide a rush, could even be addicting, it really wasn't enough to construct a life upon. _

_There had been moments, interludes really, where Jason had contemplated a different life, had possessed hope. It had started years ago when he was with Robin and responsible for Michael but then that had gone south in a spectacular way. It was many more years before anything-really anyone-else had come along and that was when a pregnant Sam had entered his life. Naturally, like everything else in Jason's world that didn't involve the business end of a gun, their relationship had eventually dissolved around them in about as messy a fashion as could be envisaged. _

_Yet, Jason had an heirloom, a keepsake from his time with Sam and that was Spinelli. From then on out, no matter what happened, when things got difficult, complicated, even unbearable the kid with the shaggy hair, irresistible grin, and those transparent eyes was there for him. Jason hadn't recognized it, hadn't returned the favor-no, he just leaned on him. Spinelli was always there-privy to the fact of Jake's existence even before he was born, trying to unite him with Elizabeth and Jake, trying to patch the irreconcilable rift that grew ever wider between Jason and Sonny. Spinelli broke the law for him, took his anger upon his shoulders and never returned it, gave Jason his unswerving fealty and made the penthouse a home. Jason had found his family entirely by accident but he hadn't valued it, hadn't understood what and who he had until it was too late and he once again lost everything that mattered to him. That loss had been the worst of all because it was irrevocable. Bitterness had overwhelmed him as he realized much too late that as long as Spinelli was by his side and in his corner he hadn't been alone-not ever. _

_These past months since Spinelli's death had nothing of hope in them. There was no longer any prospect-no matter how vague-of Jason having a home, a family ever again. All he could envision for himself were endless rounds of trying to staunch the wounds that bled in the underbelly of Port Charles. He had originally thought he could do it for an indefinite time-forever maybe. Yet, lately he had been feeling drained, had been finding it difficult to pump himself up enough to go out of an evening and do what needed to be done. Some part of him seemed to have reached an impasse a need for something more but Jason had no idea what that something could be, might be-until tonight. _

_Tonight, this late summer Saturday-full moon and all-was the night that Jason once again began to dream of having a future, a home and a family. It was all because of the small bundle nestled under his chin sleeping contentedly. Jason had found this baby, this miracle as Epiphany had so appropriately called it, a little over an hour ago and already he knew that he would never let him go, never not have him in his life. Jason was standing at the threshold of his very own second chance in life and this time he was going to grab it with both hands and make it work. _

"_Jason?" Epiphany could see by the expression on his face that he wasn't here with her but off somewhere else, not an unpleasant place to be judging by his expression but someone had to be practical. "We really should check the baby out, make sure he's healthy. Where did you find him anyway?"_

_Jason stared back at Epiphany unsure as to what he ought to do or say. For the first time since their strange but vital relationship had been forged in the shared stresses and traumas of the night shift he wasn't sure whether or not he could tell Epiphany the truth. Before this moment, this evening Jason would have said he trusted Epiphany implicitly but that was his trust to give. Now he had a whole other life suddenly dependent upon him and his decisions and this time around he wasn't going to assume anything. He was going to make carefully considered judgments and choices with only one goal in mind-the safety and happiness of this precious child in his arms. _

_So, did he tell Epiphany where he had found the baby or did he not? Jason spent one more moment looking into Epiphany's dark brown eyes and made his mind up. "In a dumpster, I found him in a dumpster in an alley."_

_Epiphany drew in her breath with an indignant hiss, "Someone put that little bit of a thing in a dumpster like he was garbage?"_

_Jason nodded his head somberly as he looked at Epiphany and she saw the flare of red hot anger deep in his eyes. She shivered internally. It was clear what would happen to whoever had casually dropped the baby in what amounted to a filthy metal coffin if Jason ever located them. She couldn't seem to muster up anything at the thought of that outcome except a sense of grim satisfaction._

"_Well then," she said briskly once more holding out her hands to take the baby from Jason. "It's more important than ever we get this little one checked out considering where you discovered him."_

_Jason just stood there, reluctance written on his face and in the rigidness of his posture. "Epiphany," he began, he just couldn't bear letting the baby go, he just couldn't-not even to someone he believed in as much as Epiphany._

_Epiphany reached out and touched Jason's forearm. She thought she understood his fears and she wanted to convince him that they were unfounded. "I get that you're already thinking he's yours. I have no problem with that. God knows you've shown time and time again that you love children and they love you back." He had indeed, she had witnessed it first hand on multiple occasions in this very ER. "I'll do whatever it takes to help you claim him, to keep him. You know better than anyone that it's in his best interests that we check him over, especially considering where and how you found him, in order to make sure he's fine. Then I'll give him right back to you. I promise."_

_Jason stared at her for an instant longer and then with a sigh, he handed the baby over to Epiphany who took him gently into her arms. She cradled him against her chest and looked once more into the tiny sleeping face and smiled. "It's incredible, he's incredible, and such a good baby too." She smiled up at Jason inviting him to share the moment with her to let him know that they were in this together._

_Jason smiled back as he reached down to stroke the baby's cheek, he seemed to require contact with the infant as though to reassure himself that it was all real and not a dream. "Yeah, he is isn't he?" He agreed complacently with Epiphany already wearing the mantle of a proud father._

"_Oh, a baby!" The voice was soft and sweet almost saccharine-like in its tone._

_Startled, Jason and Epiphany both looked up at the speaker who had come upon them unawares. It was a testimonial to how involved Jason had been with the baby and his discussion with Epiphany that he hadn't perceived the approach of the newcomer. Jason noticed everything and everyone in his environment it was one of the fundamental keys to his survival. Instinctively, he reached towards the baby to take him back from Epiphany but he managed to quell the motion after Epiphany shook her head warningly at him telling him no. _

"_Nurse Webber," Epiphany was the first to find her voice. "What are you doing in the ER?"_

_Elizabeth smiled sweetly at Epiphany as she leaned in to look at the baby but Epiphany casually stepped away as she tugged the blanket back across his head partially blocking his face from view. Epiphany could sense Jason's nervousness, his protectiveness of the infant radiating off him in waves though he was still managing to control himself by not reaching over the desk and_ _snatching the baby back._

"_I was on duty upstairs but there wasn't enough to keep us occupied and they told me to come down here and help out where I could in the ER." _

_Elizabeth's explanation was clear and concise. Then she looked up at Jason and the shear malevolence in her blue eyes caused him to inhale in shock. Epiphany didn't miss the venom contained in Elizabeth's glare or Jason's reaction. She had known things were strained between the two of them but she had no idea how bad things rally were. She had instinctively kept the baby out of Elizabeth's reach in order to honor Jason's trust in letting her and no one else hold him but now she thought that Elizabeth might indeed be a problem, might even be a danger to Jason or the baby or both of them._

_Since Jake's kidnapping Jason had barely seen Elizabeth and had only seen Jake from a distance as Elizabeth was taking him and his brother to and from the hospital where they went to day care while she worked. He had occasionally run across her in the halls during the weeks that Spinelli had been hospitalized and she invariably brushed by him with a hostile stare and a disdainful curling of her upper lip. He hadn't really been affected by her attitude, her obvious hatred of him because he was too focused on Spinelli and his needs while to everything else he was either indifferent or numb. Yet, one day he had found her standing outside Spinelli's room looking in at him as he slept restlessly and there had been a spiteful smile on her face as she watched him._

_She spun on her heel and walked by Jason hissing at him "hurts doesn't it?"_

_Her words and behavior had penetrated Jason's oblivious haze, had shocked him. He had never known Elizabeth to be malicious and even if she felt that way about him, which she patently did, how could she be so cruel to Spinelli as to be relishing his illness? Jason had always thought Elizabeth had liked Spinelli, had a soft spot for him. _

_Since that day Jason's feelings about Elizabeth had altered. He no longer seemed to love her or to hopelessly wish that they could be together. He couldn't reconcile the Elizabeth of their shared history, of their joint parentage of Jake, of the romantic trysts they had stolen away for with this hateful, obsessive bitter woman who appeared to wish for the death of a kind, decent man in order to perpetrate revenge on Jason. _

_Tonight for the first time more actively negative feelings against Elizabeth began to percolate within Jason. She could feel what she liked about him, about his complicity in bringing Jake into the world and putting him in harm's way-all that he could accept. She hadn't actually done anything to harm Spinelli and while he couldn't forgive the ill will she sent his way he could let it go. This baby though was an entirely different matter, he was Jason's salvation, his future and already he loved him and not anyone-especially Elizabeth Webber-was going to threaten Jason's new found hope. _

"_Whose is it?" Elizabeth kept her voice light and cheery trying not to sound thwarted in her attempts to look at the infant who had seemed to entirely engross Jason and Epiphany for the several minutes she had watched them unobserved from across the room. _

"_Mine."_

"_Jason's."_

_They spoke together without conscious collusion. They shared a glance of complete camaraderie as they tacitly acknowledged their closing of the ranks in the face of a common foe. _

"_Really?" Elizabeth drawled out her response certain she could prove that they were lying. She, like everyone else who worked in the hospital, knew what Jason had been up to in the months since Spinelli had died. "Saint Jason!" she thought to herself contemptuously. It was clear that he hadn't had the time or inclination for a relationship so unless he had impregnated one of his salvaged prostitutes…"Wouldn't that just knock the white knight off his charger." She thought to herself with ill concealed glee. "I didn't know you were seeing anyone Jason. Must have started right about the time Spinelli was sick." She looked up at him coolly as a hateful little smile flickered across her lips. She knew full well how to put the knife in and then twist it._

_Jason flushed an ugly red. His hands were itching to do two things. The first was something he thought he would never ever feel with regard to Elizabeth Webber. It was an overriding desire to slap that evil smile off of her sanctimonious face while the other was the almost pathological need to get the baby back into his arms where he belonged. It was only his years of practice in maintaining a façade of iron clad control that enabled him to stand stock still and project his usual surface mien of calm indifference while he was mutely raging internally._

_Elizabeth tossed her head in satisfaction when she saw Jason's face turn red. She knew a victory when she saw one. "Who's the lucky girl and where is she?" She looked inquiringly around the ER as though searching for Jason's newest conquest._

"_The baby," for one of the few times in his life Jason was speaking without knowing what he was going to say, what his game plan was. All he knew for sure is that he had to deflect Elizabeth's suspicions and prevent her from raising the slightest question as to his claim on this baby that he so clearly had been destined to find. "Isn't my child but he is related to me." That was good, that worked-now think!_

_Epiphany stepped in trying to take the baton from him and be a team player. "Yes, Jason just got back from picking him up and brought him in first thing to get him checked out. He wants to make sure he's entirely healthy." Epiphany moved back and started to turn for one of the cubicles putting space between the baby and Elizabeth. "I'll get a pediatrician down to check him out, Jason. It might take a while." She gave Jason a last look, clearly indicating that she had bought him time and now he needed to run with it. _

_Jason was grateful beyond words that Epiphany had removed the baby from Elizabeth's prying eyes and nasty innuendoes. With him safely out of the way, Jason could once again breathe and come up with a feasible back story to support his guardianship of the infant._

_He had regained his surface composure and he gazed directly into Elizabeth's eyes as he smoothly fabricated his story. "My biological mother, Susan Moore, has…had a niece-my first cousin. She and I have been in touch over the years and I knew she was pregnant. It was through a sperm donor and so there is no father in the picture. She died in child birth and as her next of kin she left the baby to me."_

_Elizabeth knew full well that every word dropping from his lips was a lie but it was an entirely plausible one. "What was her name? Where did she live?" She wasn't letting him off that quickly._

_The first question was simple since there really had been a cousin but she had died of cancer shortly after Jason's accident. "Rachel…Rachel Moore in Schenectady." It was as good as anywhere else he thought._

_Elizabeth averted her eyes determined to not let Jason see the frustration or the fury in them. Turning back to him she played her trump card. "Well, Jason, after all your visits to the ER and the countless people you've brought in for medical care you must know that there are rules and regulations. We can't simply assume that this mysterious baby is yours-now, can we? Knowing you I am sure you have all the documentation in order-the birth certificate, the will and so forth. It's just a formality you understand but we have to protect the hospital from law suits. So, once you submit the proper paperwork to the social worker you'll be free to take the baby home that is assuming he _is_ healthy." _

_She had done it, managed to one up him and his stupid story. What was he going to do now? Elizabeth smiled with delight as she watched the slow spread of panic in his eyes and across his face as he realized she had trapped him._

"_I…I don't have the papers with me right now."_

"_I thought Epiphany said you just got back to town with the baby." She was demure and considerate now that victory was in her grasp._

"_They're on file with my lawyer. The arrangements were made between the lawyers."_

"_Well, I suggest you get your lawyer down here with those papers in time to meet with the social worker. I know it's late but I am sure you pay Diane well." Elizabeth bestowed one last charming smile on Jason as she turned towards the desk phone and ostentatiously dialed the social services department. _

_Jason looked wildly over at the curtained cubicle into which Epiphany and the baby had disappeared. More than anything he needed to be there for the exam, to see his new son but he knew this took precedence. Social services were notoriously slow about responding but he had to have the paperwork in hand when they appeared. He had to make this charade real, the child had to his by law if he expected to take him home tonight or any other night._

_Jason left without another word to Elizabeth who was on hold. She sensed his absence and turned to catch sight of him striding through the double doors out into the night his cell phone already against his ear. A slow, lazy smile curved up her lips as she listened to the recorded hold music coming through the ear piece. _

"_I'm so glad I took this shift tonight," she thought with a sigh of contentment._

"_Bernie," Jason didn't know who else to call, he hadn't been in touch with his ex-accountant, consigliere, whatever he had been to him since Sonny had taken back the business. He knew Bernie's loyalty traveled with the money, with whoever was in charge at the moment. Still, he hoped there was enough residual good will of a personal nature for him to do this favor for Jason tonight. He would pay him handsomely for it a fact that could shift the situation in Jason's favor._

"_Mr. Mor…Jason," Bernie was unflappable and obviously an insomniac as well. He adapted his style to whomever he was currently dealing with which was probably one of the many reasons that accounted for his longevity in such a violent and treacherous world. "What can I do for you this evening?" There was no surprise, no reproach, no Mr. Corinthos signs the checks now-just simple old world courtesy and implied competence. Already Jason was calming down, was beginning to think his plan might just be feasible. _

"_Bernie, I need a favor and I need it tonight. That guy-Lester-the one that makes fake ids, is he still around?" He held his breathe, everything hinged on the answer to his question and Bernie's willingness to cooperate._

"_Yes, Mr. Brown is still employed by the organization." His answer was smooth, anonymous. Bernie seemingly wasn't interested in underscoring the point that Jason wasn't any longer a part of the business._

_Jason let out a sigh of relief. "That's great! I need a birth certificate for a male child born-when?-a week ago in Schenectady, New York to one Rachel Moore with no name needed for the father. I also need a death certificate for the same woman dated the day of the birth. Can he do that Bernie and get them to you within an hour? I'll send Diane Miller over to pick them up and whatever it costs, it doesn't matter. I just need it…" He was out of words. He had made the request and now it was up to Bernie, unconsciously he gripped the cell phone so tightly his knuckles were turning white. _

"_Certainly, that should be no problem. We keep Mr. Brown on retainer so that he can produce documents on short notice, oftentimes during the night. I think it should be perfectly within his abilities to make passable replicas of both those documents, I don't think it will even be very challenging. There is the matter of his fee which I obviously in good conscience can't charge to the business. As for my time, let's just say that this service is rendered in fond memory of our association."_

"_I'll make sure Diane brings an appropriate amount of cash. Thank you so much, Bernie! I owe you a favor-call me anytime."_

"_It's my pleasure, Jason. Word of your exploits on behalf of the less fortunate has made its way back to us. It is us that should thank you for undertaking such a daunting and dare I say soul wrenching mission as we go about our unheeding and unseeing daily activities. You are a Mensch, Jason and as such it is my privilege to aid you."_

_Jason knew that Bernie had just complimented him though exactly how he neither knew nor had the time to determine. So, he merely said once more, "Thank you, Bernie."_

_Impatiently he ended the call and immediately dialed Diane Miller, there was absolutely no time to waste. He had to call her phone three times before it stopped going to voice mail and he heard a groggy, "Hello?" on the other end._

"_Diane, it's Jason Morgan. I need you to wake up and listen. I have something for you to do and it has to happen tonight, actually right now."_

"_Jason," she started to protest._

_He cut her off. "Diane, I need your help. Please just listen. There's a baby and I have to prove that he's mine tonight or social services are going to take him and I might never get another chance at him and that can't happen, it just can't."_

_Diane was fully awake now and she pulled the phone back from her ear to stare at with incredulity. A baby, Jason wanted some unknown baby. She hadn't heard such raw anguish in his voice since the day they had stood by Spinelli's grave in the blizzard. _

"_All right Jason," she spoke calmly trying to get him to settle down and speak more clearly. Things must be desperate for the unflappable Jason Morgan to be this panicked, to be rambling on so. "Say that again slowly. What baby and what do you need me to do?"_

"_I need you to create a legal document, a will or something that says I have sole custody of this baby who was born to my cousin who died in childbirth."_

"_You have a cousin who died in child birth?" This had to rank up there as one of the all time bizarre conversations she had ever had with Jason and there were plenty of contenders. _

_She had stayed on as his lawyer after he left the organization and he had paid her to represent some of the people he rescued. She had gotten numerous restraining orders against abusive spouses and boyfriends as well as going to court in custody hearings and other family disputes. This wasn't the first late night phone call she had received from Jason but it was the only one where he had been so distraught, his legendary coolness was no where to be found. _

"_No!" He was frantic. He knew he was being unfair to Diane but he had to make her see, she had to agree to help him-she was the only one that could. "I need this baby Diane, I need him in my life, he's mine. I found him in a dumpster, someone threw him away like trash. I have to prove he's mine legally. Elizabeth Webber is setting social services on me, forcing me to back up a story I made up about him belonging to a cousin that died in childbirth. We don't have much time, I said you had the documents that supported my story. Bernie's getting a birth certificate for the baby and a death certificate for the mother. I need you to make up whatever legal document would work to show she left him to me and then pick up the other two from Bernie and come to the hospital."_

_He knew it was a lot to ask, maybe too much. If she wouldn't or couldn't do it, then he would have to go back to Bernie. Somehow he _had _to make this work. He listened in growing despair to the silence on the other end of the phone, he didn't know how to convince her and time was flying by. _

"_Diane, please!" It was little more than a groan._

"_You want me to falsify documents? I could get disbarred for this Jason."_

"_I know, I know," he was becoming resigned to the idea that she wouldn't help him. He needed to get off the phone and to get back in touch with Bernie. "I shouldn't have asked it of you. It was too much, I'm sorry."_

"_This baby…he was really in a dumpster?" Diane had never walked the streets of Jason's domain. She had no real idea of what he encountered night after night. She sometimes saw faded bruises on the faces of the women she went to court for but that was as much as his uncompromising reality intruded on her life. _

"_Yes," he said it sadly, still not able to comprehend it himself even though he had seen it had been the one to get him out._

"_Elizabeth hates you that much?" Diane knew that Jake was Jason's child._

"_She seems to," he said it dryly and without inflection. He was still trying to process the depth of the animosity that Elizabeth had exhibited towards him this evening. _

"_All right," Diane had made up her mind. "Tell me the relevant details-names, places and so forth but keep it simple. I'll make a straight forward transfer of custody document and I'll sign it. Then I'll find someone else to sign as witnesses. It should pass muster with a hospital social worker late at night." She was all business as she held the phone between her neck and chin while getting dressed. "Jason, as soon as tonight is behind us, you better start adoption proceedings. We may need more watertight documentation for that but we'll have bought time. Once you adopt him then he's yours legally and no one can take him away from you."_

_Jason felt like crying with relief, both Bernie and Diane had come through for him in a way he had no right to expect. "Thank you," he said as he started to fill her in on all the details she would need to create the documents that would prove to the world that Jason Morgan was the baby's legal guardian. _

_Jason had done all he could for the moment, now it was up to Diane and Bernie. He went back inside the ER. Elizabeth was sitting in one of the waiting room chairs taking down information from a relative of a patient. She stared at Jason appraisingly as he walked by. His expression was neutral, unreadable and he didn't even spare her a glance. _

"_He couldn't have, could he….?" She looked after him speculatively._

_Jason pulled the curtain of the treatment cubicle aside and stepped in. Just as he did the baby started crying. He stepped forward instinctively wanting to console him, to pick him up. Epiphany blocked him, indicating with a nod of her head that he ought to step back. Feeling frustrated but not wanting to contravene her authority, he moved aside and leaned over her shoulder wanting to see what they were doing to the baby._

_Epiphany began to speak, in order to set Jason at ease and include him in the procedures taking place. "Jason Morgan this Dr. Sarah MacIntyre, she's a pediatrician here at General Hospital. Mr. Morgan is the baby's guardian."_

"_Mr. Morgan," we're conducting an initial examination of the infant. He's about ten days old-is that correct?" Dr. MacIntyre looked up at Jason inquiringly._

_Jason thought rapidly, trying to buy time. Ever since he had determined to keep the child he had been running up against questions that he either couldn't answer or wasn't sure he should. "Uh…it's Jason," he began in his standardized response to anyone calling him Mister. "I wasn't there for the birth, they called me several days afterwards but ten days sounds about right."_

_Dr. MacIntyre was looking at him with a puzzled expression, "Where did the baby come from?" _

_Her tone wasn't suspicious or hostile but he knew he had to prevent the situation from deteriorating further. He needed all the time and all the allies, besides Epiphany, he could get._

"_The baby was born to a cousin of mine in Schenectady. She died during or shortly after giving birth. I…I'm not quite sure. I was her only relative and she wanted me to take custody of him." He was becoming more fluid in the telling of his tale. _

"_Well, wasn't the baby checked out at the hospital in Schenectady? Surely there should be some records somewhere."_

_Now that Epiphany had heard Jason's cover story, she intervened on his behalf. "It appears that Jason's cousin opted for a home birth, she utilized a midwife's services. When the cousin…" Epiphany looked enquiringly at Jason wanting his participation in order to make the story more plausible._

"_Rachel, my cousin Rachel Moore," he supplied helpfully._

"_Yes, when Ms. Moore went into shock from blood loss the midwife called the paramedics who were focused on the mother as the patient. The baby was left in the care of the midwife until she heard of Ms. Moore's untimely demise. She knew of the mother's wishes and contacted Jason but by that time several days had passed."_

_Jason knew it was time for him to finish up the story, he shot Epiphany an appreciative glance for her help. "Yes, there was a delay in contacting me and then when I went to Schenectady I stayed for the funeral. Then the baby and I returned to Port Charles this evening. I brought him straight here as I know Nurse Johnson and I have a great confidence in her skills. I knew she would contact the right doctor to take care of him." Jason gave Dr. MacIntyre a bright smile and Epiphany rolled her eyes at his attempt at winning over the pediatrician. _

_Dr. MacIntyre was fully susceptible to the magnetism of a handsome man that seemed completely infatuated with and concerned about the infant lying docilely on her examining table. She returned his smile with a full fledged one of her own._

"_Well, then it seems what we are doing here tonight is an early wellness examination. Generally, it's recommended that the baby be brought in at two weeks but this infant seems to be fully along normal developmental paths, perhaps even a little advanced in his environmental awareness and ability to focus his eyes."_

_Jason smiled goofily down at the baby who looked seriously up at him. The minute Jason had started speaking, he had ceased crying. The phenomenon had been noted by both doctor and nurse. Epiphany was astounded at the depth of the bound that Jason and the baby appeared to have formed almost instantly._

"_We did a blood draw right before you came in, Mr….Jason. That's what started our boy crying but you seem to have a way with him." She paused, wondering if he were dating anyone. She gave herself a mental shake. "Be professional!" She rebuked herself sharply. _

"_What did you need the blood for?" Jason was determined that he was going to be informed about everything they were doing with regard to the baby._

"_It's required by state law to test for certain genetic disorders and to check his thyroid function. You shouldn't worry, most of the time it's just a precaution. All his parameters-weight, head size, length are within normal limits. As far as I can tell he's fine. We need to give him a Hepatitis B shot and that should be that. He needs to be changed and I think he's hungry…" She was curious to see how Jason would handle the domestic side of caring for this baby he was so obviously devoted to. She had seen lots of dutiful fathers vanish precipitously when it came to diaper changing or even feeding duty._

"_I'll do it," Jason was impatient to have his boy back and any pretense would do. He looked over at Epiphany with a raised eyebrow asking where diapers might be found. She sighed and pointed to a cupboard behind him._

"_Why don't I just bring a bottle when I come back with the Hepatitis vaccine?" She tried to act martyred but she couldn't help the little smile that popped up seemingly of its own volition._

_It didn't matter anyway. Jason was already absorbed in the baby, talking to him softly as he removed the diaper and was cleaning him up with wipes. Dr. MacIntyre was just as oblivious but for different reasons. As she watched Jason with the baby there was an almost predatory gleam in her eye._

_Epiphany could have told her that there was no possibility of Jason noticing her. It was very clear that there was no one in the universe for Jason right now except for a little ten pound infant that had the potential to break his heart by merely crying too much. Epiphany stepped out into the ER and an automatic scowl came to her face when she saw Elizabeth over in the corner talking to the social worker on duty. She might have guessed that she wouldn't have wasted any time trying to take the baby away from Jason. _

"_They'll have to walk over my dead body to do it," she thought as a powerful feeling of loyalty to Jason and the baby swept over her. She knew in her hearts of hearts that Jason and that child were meant to be together and she was going to do her level best to make it happen. "Nurse Webber," she called peremptorily across the ER. "If you don't have anything better to do than stand around talking perhaps you should go back up to your original duty station."_

_Elizabeth turned around startled and glared at Epiphany for dressing her down in public. She put her hand on the social worker's arm and began to lead her over to Epiphany. _

"_You know Miss. Jenkins don't you, Nurse Johnson? I called her down here to make sure that everything was correct and aboveboard with that little baby Jason Morgan brought in this evening. We wouldn't want any lawsuits against the hospital claiming negligence would we?" _

_Her smile could have charmed a cobra and they would have deserved each other in Epiphany's opinion. "Mr. Morgan has satisfactorily explained how the baby came into his custody. The only person that seems to have doubts Nurse Webber is yourself. Considering yours and Mr. Morgan's-shall we say turbulent history-your inappropriate interest could be construed as harassment at best and a vendetta at worse."_

_The two women stared at each other it was clear they had declared their positions in the upcoming battle. The social worker looked from to the other, she had seen a lot in her career and it was obvious to her that there was a personal element to the situation. She could care less. Paula Jenkins was burned out on her profession and her career. She was counting the days-sometimes the hours-until she could retire to the condomium she was going to share with her sister in Arizona. No more northern winters for her-ever again!_

_There had been a time immemorial when she had been lovely with youth and idealism. Paula Jenkins chose to be a social worker which was really the only way anyone entered the profession. There are few parents that actively encourage their children to work in a challenging, soul draining, low paying occupation with a high burn out rate. No, those that gravitate to serving the disenfranchised are by and large answering a calling, fulfilling a spiritual need and Paula was no different. She had wanted to change the world to make a difference and for a while in her own small way she had done just that. She didn't know when enthusiasm turned to indifference and her work day turned from something she could hardly wait to embrace to pure drudgery. _

_She couldn't pinpoint it because like most things it occurred gradually. One day she noticed that she hadn't had a date in months because of her dedication to her job. Without her realizing it that dry spell stretched to years and then the opportunity to get married, to have a family which she had just assumed would happen simply didn't. At first she loved helping families, fixing it so mothers and their children could be together. She felt empowered by her ability to provide shelter and a safe haven for women and their kids as she kept them safe from monstrous abusers. It was heady stuff and almost made up for the fact that she didn't get enough sleep, have any time to herself or could even afford to take a trip. After all, _she_ was serving the greater good. Yet, eventually the cries of the children stopped evoking sympathy and instead provoked irritation. She would look at the face of a battered woman that she had already seen two or three times (or maybe that was her sister) and she would feel nothing but anger. She was completely devoid of compassion. She would find herself thinking, "Stupid bitch, you might as well pick up his fist and aim it directly at your face and save him the effort of having to come after you for the hundredth time." _

_No one learned, nothing changed and she started to be in the business long enough to see the patterns repeating themselves through the generations. Somewhere in there she had cracked, not shattered, but quietly cracked. After that she came into work of a day or a night (God, how she hated the loons she encountered on the night shift!) and put in her time and went home. She despised her clients-men, women, and children-as far as she was concerned they were all equally to blame. Paperwork was her salvation, her barrier against intimacy, against feeling. She filed in triplicate and would have gladly taken on additional forms if they had let her__. _

_Paula had noticed Jason when he started doing his savior of the night act, who hadn't? She took an immediate dislike to him and a secondary one to his sidekick Epiphany Johnson. They reminded her of how it had been for her in the beginning and she didn't like the mirror that was held up to her now, her reflection in their eyes. So, she took her inner turmoil, her unhappiness out on them or to be more precise the people they were trying to help. She was obdurate and refused any requests they made of her to allow loopholes to find short cuts. "They would learn who held the real power here!" she would think to herself in bitter satisfaction._

_Eventually, they learned to avoid her, to make requests for social workers on the nights she wasn't on duty. Since she had seniority and only worked the night shift when absolutely required it meant that they saw less and less of each other which was both party's preference. When she had received Elizabeth Webber's call tonight she had been napping in her office, counting the minutes until her shift was over. She would have probably put it off on the next social worker, one of the ones that were still dewy eyed and hopeful, if Elizabeth hadn't intentionally mentioned Jason Morgan. _

_Here it was at last. It was Paula's opportunity to wipe that smug, superior look off his and Epiphany's faces. That look that she hated, the one that said, "You've lost your humanity, your compassion and we feel sorry for you." Well, tonight was going to be her night and she didn't mind if Nurse Webber came along for the ride. The more people who wanted to hurt and humiliate Jason Morgan the better in her estimation. _

_Elizabeth had been filling her in on what had happened this evening. How Jason had popped up in the ER with some baby that he was claiming was related to him, was his legally when Elizabeth was convinced he had just found him. Perhaps he had even stolen him away from his own mother's arms she wasn't above intimating a concept Paula wasn't above agreeing with. Then Epiphany had appeared from behind the curtains of the cubicle, stared at them balefully and the war for control over the custody of one small baby boy was on._

"_Now ladies," Paula interjected, trying to appear as though she was the voice of reason, simply an impartial representative of the state. She tried a smile but the facial muscles weren't used to the action and it came off more as a pained grimace. "If Mr. Morgan can prove his claim to the baby boy that's all that is required and he will be free to go. If not, well then my responsibility is clear." She gave a delicate shrug of her shoulders meant to convey inestimable regret._

_Epiphany snorted and pushed past them. "Some of us have real jobs like being nurses." She looked at Elizabeth in disgust clearly lumping her in with Paula and anyone else that would stand in hers or Jason's way this evening. _

_Jason had changed the baby and he was once again holding him in his arms. He was looking down at him and letting him grasp his finger as a warm smile lit up his entire face. Dr. MacIntyre had finished her examination of the baby and had other patients to tend to but she couldn't tear herself away. She continued to stand in the cubicle staring at Jason with the baby. Jason was entirely unaware of her scrutiny and had eyes for nothing but the infant in his arms. They made a fascinating tableau of mutually exclusive absorption. _

_Epiphany bustled back in with a bottle of formula in one hand and a syringe in the other. She handed the bottle to Jason, who asked her, "Did you check the temperature?"_

_Her only response was a Gorgon-like glare to which Jason was totally impervious. "Better let me give him this shot before you start feeding him." She stepped up and before Jason could say anything or react in any way the needle was already in and the baby was wailing. Now it was Jason's turn to glare furiously at Epiphany as he cuddled the baby to his shoulder and made hushing noises as he rocked him._

"_You'll thank me when he doesn't get liver cancer or hepatitis." She said sardonically, utterly unmoved by his outrage. _

_They were playing off of each other like some old vaudevillian comedy team. To an impartial observer (not Dr. MacIntyre) it would have been amusing and touching to see clear evidence of the bond between them, the affection they shared._

_The baby had stopped crying, it was clear his was a generally placid and sunny disposition. Jason started to feed him and he needed no encouragement. His appetite was good and now there was one more check to put in the overall good health column._

_Epiphany turned her attention to Dr. MacIntyre who seemed practically catatonic as she continued to stare at Jason. "Dr. MacIntyre!" Strong men jumped when Epiphany put a certain tone and volume into her voice. _

"_Uh, Nurse Johnson?" She turned towards her wearing a dazed expression and looking as though she didn't know exactly where she was or how she had gotten there._

"_Thank you so much for coming down to the ER and doing the well baby check for Mr. Morgan's infant. We both appreciate it so much." She motioned for Jason to say something._

"_Thank you. We'll be back in for the eight week check up and hope that you would agree to continue to be his doctor." Jason looked down again at the baby in his arms already able to see two months into the future when this morning he hadn't known what tonight would bring. _

"_You would?" She was actually blushing and then somehow she managed to gather the tattered shreds of her professional dignity around her. "Of course, I would be happy to be his pediatrician. Do you have any idea of what you might name him?"_

_Jason looked up and his eyes were sparkling with mischief and joy as he gave Epiphany a conspiratorial grin. "I have an idea." He refused to elaborate any further. Epiphany knew what he was thinking and she smiled fondly back at him._

"_Well, then…Good evening, Mr. Morga…I mean Jason. If you have any questions don't hesitate to call me. Nurse Johnson." She was out of the cubicle and clutching the curtains in her hands while her pounding heart sounded absurdly loud in her ears. "I get to see him again. I get to see him again…"_

_It was a refrain running through her brain and even though the sensible part of her knew that he hadn't noticed her at all-she could have been a man for all he cared-he only saw her as a doctor that could help him with his beloved baby. Still, hope is one of the hardest of the human emotions to eradicate and she had weeks in which to dream and imagine scenarios about when he came to her office or perhaps needed her to help with the baby… _

"_Jason," now that she had him alone, Epiphany needed to tell him about the trouble brewing outside the spurious safety of their ER cubicle. "Elizabeth has gone and stirred up a lick of trouble for you…for us." She was declaring her solidarity with his intention to be a father to the baby._

_Jason looked up from the baby who was sucking down the remnants of the bottle, he was frowning. "I know she was calling social services earlier. Who's on duty?"_

"_Paula Jenkins," she said it flatly, there was no point in sugarcoating things._

_Jason groaned, "Why tonight? Elizabeth and Paula, somebody really doesn't like me."_

"_You being all soft, cuddly and lovable like that, go figure." Epiphany was trying to get a smile out of him. She had liked this new happy Jason that she had seen previewed tonight. She wanted to keep him around. He was easier on the eyes for one thing._

"_Mr. Morgan." It was Paula Jenkins on the other side of the curtain. "Would you please step out here? I would like to speak to you. I saw Dr. MacIntyre leaving and so, I presume the examination is over. This really can't wait, you know." Each sentence was clipped and spoken with an icy exactitude that indicated she was in full official mode._

_Epiphany cocked her head in a silent query indicating that she could go out and deal with her. Jason sighed and shook his head. He took the empty bottle away from the baby's grasp and grabbing a towel moved him into burping position on his shoulder. Then he took a deep breath and stepped out into the ER._

_Paula Jenkins was standing directly outside the cubicle with Elizabeth at her side. Epiphany took one look at her errant nurse and said in a tone that brooked no disobedience. "Nurse Webber, I think you have caused enough disruption in my ER for one evening. You take your skinny butt back to your assigned floor and don't show your face down here again unless there is a major trauma or your presence is specifically requested which is an unlikely event from where I'm standing." There was no way she was going to indulge the vengeful little witch's voyeurism in case, God forbid, things didn't go Jason's way tonight._

_Elizabeth glowered at her upset that she wasn't going to get to see the fireworks, get to see Jason's dream of a happy family destroyed. He hadn't wanted the one she would have given him with his actual son. No, he had to find some abandoned baby, someone's cast off to make him want to get all domestic. She was spitting mad but not angry enough to miss the clear threat in Epiphany's tone. She knew the head nurse could and would make serious trouble for her and she wasn't willing to risk her career in order to watch Jason get his. Besides she would hear all about it on the hospital grapevine._

_She had dallied too long. Epiphany almost growled out her name in warning. "Nurse Webber!" Sullenly, Elizabeth took her leave casting one last unforgiving glance at Jason and the baby over her shoulder as she retreated._

_Paula Jenkins was actually relieved to see Elizabeth go. She was a great believer in the revenge and cold dish theory and Nurse Webber was too emotional for her liking. "Mr. Morgan," this was one person who had never been invited to jump on the "call me Jason" wagon. "Nurse Webber says that you _claim_ this baby is a relative and that his care was bequeathed to you upon the mother's death. Do you have any documentation to support your assertion?"_

_Tight lipped Jason responded, the rancor between the two was palpable, "My lawyer will be bringing the paperwork momentarily. It's late, I had to wake her up."_

"_That isn't my concern Mr. Morgan. I am only an advocate for the child's welfare. Since your lawyer hasn't arrived, I must insist that you relinquish the baby who will be put in foster care while you sort all this out."_

_Jason was terrified. He couldn't be separated from the baby not tonight, not ever. Besides he knew how it was when children went into the system. He had seen children with good and loving parents be kept from them on the testimony of vindictive relatives, neighbors, even social workers. Paula Jenkins was stepping up and reaching for the baby, Jason backed away from her. The baby had been just starting to fall asleep when the charged atmosphere or the tension in Jason's body caused him to jerk awake, to be frightened-he started crying in earnest._

_The disagreement was catching the attention of everyone in the ER. Jason kept backing away, all the while keeping the wailing infant from Paula Jenkins' reach. He was looking around the room obviously contemplating escape, Epiphany had moved in between the social worker and Jason desperately racking her brain for a way to keep the situation from escalating._

_The sliding doors opened and Diane Miller stepped through them. She took one look at the chaotic scene in front of her and instantly evaluated the situation. "Cease and desist!" She practically shouted as she strode towards the melee. She inserted herself directly in Paula Jenkins' path and waved a sheath of papers under her nose. "I believe these are why you are badgering my client, Mr. Morgan."_

_Thwarted, Paula stopped in her bizarre pursuit of Jason and glared at Diane. "Those better be in order down to the last punctuation mark," she said but her threat sounded hollow even to herself._

"_Feel free to go over each page with the proverbial fine tooth comb," Diane said breezily, trying to hide her trepidation at the speed with which the documentation had been compiled. Who was she kidding-forged!_

_She tried to act unconcerned as she turned towards Epiphany and Jason. Jason had cradled the baby in his arms and was rocking him and making soothing noises. Epiphany was just standing there radiating indignation and disgust as she glared at Paula Jenkins. _

"_Calls herself a social worker! Well, we'll just see about that. I'm going to the head of the hospital tomorrow and filing a formal complaint. Scaring a little baby like that for no good reason-just pure unvarnished cussedness!" Her chest was heaving as she spouted her invective making sure that Paula could hear every word._

_Paula was trembling. She was too old for this bullshit. She hadn't envisioned that it would turn into a farce, practically a physical confrontation between her and Jason, never mind Nurse Johnson and her threats. No way was she going to let her pension be threatened to get a little payback. If Morgan wanted the street brat so badly he could have him!_

_She looked up from her unseeing perusal of the forms Diane had handed her. "These appear to be in order. You may take the baby and go Mr. Morgan. I hope you understand that I was just doing my duty, looking out for the best interests of a defenseless infant." _

_Her attempt at damage control fell on deaf ears. Diane snatched the papers back from her and Epiphany just continued to glare at her from enormous eyes black with fury. Jason ignored her, he was concentrating on getting the baby to fall asleep. Defeated, Paula Jenkins stepped back and headed for the elevators, she firmly intended not to step out of her office until tonight's shift was over. They could burn the place down for all she cared and it would serve them right!_

_Diane gave a sigh of relief as she turned back to Jason. "So, am I going to get to meet this little paragon that has caused all this fuss tonight?" She wasn't in the least bit maternal but she presumed there must be something very special indeed about this child to have so thoroughly captivated Jason._

_Jason smiled at her and Diane was as thunderstruck at the joy and brilliance contained in it as had been Epiphany earlier. "I think that is only fitting that you two meet since his Aunt Diane saved the day-as usual," he amended graciously._

_Diane bowed her head in recognition and moved closer curious to see this very special little boy. She bent over him and was struck by the strangest sensation of familiarity, of déjà vu. Then he yawned and clenched his fists and opening his eyes looked directly at Diane. She gasped and stared up at Jason in shock. He grinned at her and nodded his head. He was delighted that Diane had seen it too, that it wasn't just him and Epiphany having a mutual hallucination or succumbing to wistful thinking._

"_That's unbelievable!" She couldn't get over it. She stared down at him, perusing the baby's face feature by feature while he stared patiently back at her. Tears sprang to her eyes. Diane Miller prided herself on her toughness, her lack of emotionalism but tonight she had encountered a genuine miracle and she was god damned well going to cry if she wanted to!_

_Epiphany looked contentedly at Jason and the baby while trying to tactfully ignore the sniffling noises emanating from Diane. "Well, that's one for the good guys." Jason couldn't stop smiling and it was infectious, she grinned back at him. "Now comes the hard part, raising the…your son." Somehow that seemed just right. "An ER in the middle of the night is no place for a baby. Well, at least not a healthy one. Jason, you take that boy home and get some sleep yourself before you keel over."_

_Jason nodded his head in agreement there was noting more he wanted to do. Suddenly a look of alarm appeared on his face. "The baby, I have nothing-no formula, no diapers, no crib, no clothes." It was almost comical to watch the imperturbable Jason Morgan start to unravel over the needs of one small infant. "I don't even have a vehicle…" It was clear that the enormity of his commitment had just struck him, was in danger of overwhelming him. "Even if I had, there's no car seat…" Now he was muttering and the litany seemed likely to continue indefinitely if it wasn't interrupted._

"_Diane," Epiphany was in full charge nurse mode. "You must have driven here this evening." _

"_Yes, I did." She was busy trying to wipe away the last of her tears without smudging her mascara more than could be helped. "Why?" She asked suddenly suspicious of Epiphany's motives. _

"_Jason needs to get a few things to see this child through the night. He can't walk all over Port Charles picking up this and that. You'll need to take him."_

"_Me!" Diane exclaimed, hadn't she already done her part tonight? "Why me?"_

"_Well, I still have a couple of hours to finish up on my shift. So, I can't do it. That leaves you." _

_It was a statement of irrefutable logic but that didn't mean that Diane had to like it. "Well, I guess I could…" She walked over to take another peep at the baby. He hadn't fallen asleep. He was wide awake and stared gravely up at her. She smiled unawares and was horrified to hear a distinct cooing noise emitting from her mouth. "He's adorable. Come on then," she said in mock resignation as she moved towards the doors gesturing impatiently for Jason to follow her._

_Jason hadn't budged. "No car seat," he said distinctly to Epiphany. He was planning to do everything right when it came to this baby. _

_She sighed and shoved him in Diane's wake. "Go on, catch up with her or she'll drive off without you. Sit in the backseat with the baby. It'll be fine this one time." _

_Jason turned back to Epiphany and kissed her on the cheek. "I will _never _forget what you did for me, for us tonight. Thank you."_

"_You're welcome," she smiled at him. "I expect to be a part of this child's life. Now get out of here."_

_He paused and said meaningfully, "You can count on it."_

_Diane Miller was standing by the exterior doors tapping her foot and looked impatiently over at Jason. "I agreed to be your chauffeur, Jason. If you don't hurry up I will start billing you for my time."_

_They were gone into the night and the ER suddenly felt empty. Epiphany wiped at an errant tear on her cheek. "What are you staring at?" She snarled at a passing orderly. "Do you need me to find you something to occupy your time?" She smiled as she watched him scuttle away in terror. She thought she might actually enjoy the rest of this shift._

_Jason and Diane managed to find a twenty four hour convenience store that had diapers and baby formula. Everything else would have to wait until tomorrow. Diane carried the baby while Jason carted the supplies up to the penthouse. He asked her to hold the baby while he made another bottle. When he came back out he smiled to see Diane and the baby both asleep on the couch. The infant was nestled up under her chin and they were both dead to the world. _

_He left them for a while and went upstairs to get the crib out of the spare room. He had forgotten that there was still some furniture left from when the nursery had been set up for Sam's baby. He supposed it was all right to use what he needed, at least for tonight. It wasn't like it had ever been used, it had only been a matter of intent. He would sort it out later, for now expediency ruled._

_He found some bedding supplies and moved the crib into his room. Then he went downstairs. Diane was still sound asleep, she was snoring slightly. The baby was starting to stir. Jason knew he would need to be changed and would take another bottle and then that would be the end of tonight's events. Carefully he took the baby from Diane's grasp. She muttered something and clutched at the empty air in her hands but didn't wake. Using his free hand Jason gently pushed her down on the couch so she was more comfortable. She immediately rolled over on her side and continued to snore. Laughing quietly, Jason covered her up with a blanket and turning off the lights headed back up to his room._

_He took the baby into his bathroom and changed him. He had discovered some baby clothes in with the nursery supplies and he put him a little pink pajama outfit with a big eyed kitten on the front._

"_Not very manly I know," Jason said holding him up to his face and rubbing noses with him. "Don't worry, we'll fix that tomorrow." He was going to enjoy shopping for this child and that fact alone showed the alteration between who Jason Morgan had been at the beginning of this evening and who he was at the end. Life had transformed him._

_He dimmed the lights in his room and leaned against his headboard as he gave the baby his bottle. He looked down at the contented infant suckling in his arms. The baby stared up at him out of crystalline green eyes that were entirely familiar to Jason. The eyes, the shock of thick messy brown hair that crowned his head, even the nose and chin-it was all him. He was back. _

_Jason knew that people would say it wasn't possible, that he was imagining things or more likely that he was just plain crazy. Yet, he knew absolutely that this baby was somehow him. Jason made no assertion as to how it might have come about, that he had managed to come back to give Jason a second chance at getting it right. Jason was grateful that Epiphany and Diane had experienced the same shock of recognition that he had. He knew it meant that this was really and truly happening. _

_Still, for him the connection wasn't about physical appearance. He would have known who he was holding in his arms if he had shown up as a little Chinese girl. It was mystical, incomprehensible and wholly unknowable. Jason didn't care to understand the how or the why. The who of it, the actuality, the warm little body in his arms was more than enough, more than he had ever thought to have again._

"_Thank you," he pressed his lips to the baby's forehead. "Thank you for coming back to me."_

_The baby made a gurgling noise that Jason whimsically chose to interpret as an infantile "You're welcome, Stone Cold."_

"_I love you Damian," he said softly as he took the empty bottle away and closing his eyes leaned tiredly back against the headboard. Tomorrow would be soon enough for the crib-maybe. Tonight he didn't want him out of his arms. As they both drifted companionably off to sleep, Jason wondered what the odds were that he might be able to procure a blue onesie with a Jackal imprinted upon the front. _


	5. New Beginnings

_A/N: I have no affiliations or rights over the characters represented in this fiction_

_Chapter 5: New Beginnings_

_It was quite irritating really, the siren. At first it had been a distant wail but now it was noticeably stronger building in strength. Still, Jason found something off about it, unlike most sirens on emergency vehicles which grew louder and louder while coming towards you but they would then pass you by and the noise would immediately die off. Spinelli had once talked about it, the something effect-Dope no Doppler effect-that's right, that's what it was. It sometimes had seemed like there was nothing in the world he didn't know, couldn't explain… Stupid siren! It sure wasn't behaving according to Spinelli's beloved natural laws of physics that's for sure._

_His eyes were open and he gazed blearily around his bedroom. Why the hell had he gone to bed fully dressed and chosen to sleep against the unyielding bookcase that served as the headboard to his bed? His back and neck were one fused ache. Not only that but the continuation of the howling noise was an assault on his hearing and it wasn't any residual of a dream either. No, it belonged to a very much alive, very cranky baby who was tired of waiting for someone to fix the problem in his diapers while simultaneously taking his breakfast order._

"_My God," Jason breathed out reverently as he looked down at the screaming, red-faced bundle squirming in his arms. "You're real, you're really here!" _

_It all came back to him in a flash-finding Jock's body, the crying, the dumpster, the moment of awed recognition, the terrifying risk of losing him and finally drifting off to sleep with him held securely in his arms. The baby on the other hand didn't seem to feel in the mood for a karmic moment of adjustment. He just wanted to feel clean, dry, warm and fed and he was prepared to use his lungs for as long as needed in order to get his demands met. He, as were most members of his species, was an excellent negotiator. _

"_Hey, hey," Jason tried mediation, He picked him up and held him against his shoulder making hushing noises as he jiggled him gently trying to get him to calm down before he had an apoplectic fit. The infant wasn't having any of it. He needed what he needed or wanted, it made no never mind, the important point was that he wasn't stopping until things in his small world were put to rights. So, he ignored all of Jason's peace offerings and continued to howl with the only difference that the noises coming out of his mouth were a little uneven as he was unwillingly juggled up and down._

"_Okay! Okay! I give. Baby one, Jason zero." He continued to hold the crying infant against his shoulder and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, groaning as almost every muscle in his body protested at the sudden movement. "Sssh, sssh. We're going to fix you right up," he crooned softly as he forced his stiffened form to stand upright and head for the bathroom. "When did I get so old?" He mused out loud to no one in particular, the baby wasn't interested. He might be willing to listen to philosophical contemplations later but not until his own extremely urgent agenda had been addressed. _

_Jason carried him into the bathroom and laid him down on the towel that had been put there for this express purpose the night before. "So," he began conversationally, looking down at the baby who had stopped crying so strenuously with the change in position, the familiarity of being prone that usually heralded a change of diapers. "Look like I've already fallen down on the job and it's only been," he stole a glance at the bathroom clock," tsk," He scolded himself, "less than twelve hours. Sure that you want to hang around after such a poor showing?" The baby was quiet now, simply regarding Jason with his sea green eyes and kicking his legs up into the air while Jason pulled the soiled diaper out from under him and discarded it. "Doesn't really matter if you do or don't," he continued as he bent down and pressed a gentle kiss onto his forehead, "You're stuck with me now, you'll have to wait until you're at least sixteen to get emancipated and I've got a darn good lawyer." _

"_Diane!" Jason exclaimed aloud while the baby looked at him quizzically puzzled over the change of tone. He'd rather been enjoying the conversation-him gurgling and Jason talking while he applied talcum powder and wrapped him securely in a new, dry diaper. "C'mon let's get you fed and we'll see how our houseguest is faring. What do you want to bet that she hasn't slept on a whole lot of couches in her time?"_

_He carried the baby downstairs, this time he was content to be ensconced against Jason's shoulder. He was quiet as he approached the couch. All that was visible of Diane was tuft of red hair protruding from the blanket she had wrapped around herself from head to toe. Jason had to actually suppress an upwelling of laughter as an image of Woody Woodpecker flashed across his mind. He hadn't suspected that he had reservoirs of humor running like spring fed aquifers under his external stoic demeanor. He liked laughing and smiling and it looked like the future might hold a lot more opportunities for both to occur._

_He padded silently into the kitchen, even the baby seemed to be respectful of a certain lady lawyer's need for her requisite hours of beauty sleep. "Tell you what," Jason grinned down at him as he waited for the water in the pan to heat up the bottle of formula. "Once you're fed we'll head back out there," he thumbed back towards the living room, "and see about waking her up." He winked down at the baby who simply stared gravely back up at him as though questioning the probity of his intentions. "You'll see," Jason coaxed him, trying to win his tacit approval of the plan, "it'll be fun-for us anyway."_

_The infant twisted his head away from Jason's gaze as though he was looking for the bottle and wondering what was taking so long anyway? "Almost ready," Jason had the bottle out and was testing a few drops on his wrist. "Perfect," he presented it with a flourish and the baby wrapped his tiny hands around the bottle and began to drink with focused concentration. He was definitely going to be finishing this one, swipe the back of his hand across his mouth, burp, hand the empty bottle off to Jason to dispose of and say, "hit me again!"_

_Jason was finding that he had an unexpected facility at doing tasks one handed and not only that but with his left as he wasn't trusting the infant to anything but his dominant hand. While the baby was suckling he busied himself with starting the coffee, he certainly needed it. He knew without checking that Diane was one of those "give me coffee or give me death," types, a truly patriotic American in other words. He made some toast, because he honestly couldn't see her ingesting anything else of a morning. After burping the baby, who had done as foretold and finished his small allotment of formula in record time, placed it all on a tray and balancing it and the baby made his precarious way back out to the living room. _

_Diane hadn't stirred. Jason placed the tray on the coffee table and sat down next to it. The baby was tucked up against his shoulder. He reached for a cup of coffee and holding it in the general area of where he guessed Diane's nose to be, moved it back and forth so the odor of the hot beverage would waft up from her olfactory nerves to her brain and begin to wake her up._

"_Diane," he crooned in the same voice he had been using towards the baby, "time to get up. Lot's of stuff to do today. Diane…" he persisted._

_The figure on the couch twitched irritably. "Go away."_

"_Coffee," Jason cajoled, "hot, thick, black coffee."_

_A hand crept out from the blanket cocoon and waved weakly in the air accompanied by a muttered, "Gimme."_

"_Uh, uh," Jason pulled the cup away from the questing hand, holding it up out of reach. "Not giving you a scalding hot cup of coffee that you'll dump all over yourself and my couch. I'm not planning on visiting the hospital today. I've had enough of that place to last me forever." He put the cup of coffee down and cradled the baby in his arms, his green eyes looking trustingly into Jason's blue. "You're the reason why I don't need to go back there anymore. Yes, you are!" He was grinning like an idiot down at the infant who had one hand clutching Jason's finger with a surprisingly strong grip. "Nope, not going anywhere, I'm staying right here with you, Damian."_

_Diane sat up with a groan, running her fingers through her hair resulted in red spikes pointing every which way. She reached for the abandoned cup of coffee and after perfunctorily blowing on it to cool it down took a large restorative gulp. She sighed contentedly._

"_Better?" Jason asked smiling, his finger still entwined with the baby's grasp._

"_Very much so, thank you." She tipped her head in appreciation towards the coffee and then glared at Jason as though she just remembered that she had a bone to pick with him. "How can you be so disgustingly cheerful of a morning?" Then her eyes caught sight of the other untouched coffee cup on the tray and they widened in astonishment. "Don't tell me that you haven't even had a sip of the elixir of life yet either and you're this perky?" Diane was aghast, high on her list of despised personality traits were those deluded souls that declaimed themselves as 'morning people'. "Idiots more likely!" was her pithy response, only birds were meant to be perpetually pursuing the early worm. _

"_Blame it on this one," he looked back down at the baby who had given up Jason's finger in favor of clutching at his blanket. "Babies aren't interested in sleeping in, Diane. I figure I have about fifteen years before I'm going to be the one dragging him out of bed." He didn't say it like it was any kind of unwarranted sentence but rather as a future that would come upon him unawares and all too quickly. _

_Diane's brain had finally woken up to the point where she remembered the events of the night before that had ended in her sleeping on Jason Morgan's sofa. She looked down at the baby with sharp interest. "Did I hear you say 'Damian' just a minute ago?" She looked inquiringly up at Jason._

_He ducked his head shyly and then gazed hesitantly up at her and asked quietly, "I think so, don't you?"_

"_Absolutely!" She knew he needed reassurance about the choice he was making. "Jason," she paused because really when had anyone ever had this conversation, maybe in India or some place where people believed in this type of…thing. Not in Port Charles-that's for sure. Though, upon reflection, Diane had to admit that people did seem to come back from the dead with an astounding regularity and there seemed an inordinate amount of unrelated look-alikes running around to confuse everyone… Still, all those occurrences weren't a patch on this particular phenomenon. Jason, it appeared, had been the recipient of a genuine, honest to goodness miracle! "I can't pretend to understand this-how or why it happened-but for once the rational part of my mind can just take a flying leap! You, me, Epiphany-anyone who looks at this child," and she leaned over to do just that, dismayed to find that her attachment and interest in him hadn't waned one iota since the previous night._

"_Who's a good little Damian?" She found herself babbling down at him while her arms of their own volition were reaching for the baby and Jason, fool that he was, handed him over to her trading the baby for her empty coffee cup. "What kind of father are you?" she scolded him half-heartedly while her arms wrapped protectively around the warm bundle temporarily in her keeping. "Letting someone like me hold him, what if I drop him?" Now she was nervously trying to give him back to Jason but he just crossed his arms over his chest and refused to take him._

"_I trust you," it was said simply and with such quite certitude that Diane began to relax. "Besides, he likes you. Look at how he's watching you."_

_Diane gazed down at the tiny child in her arms, he was looking directly up at her, as placidly content to be held by her as by Jason. She had a lump in her throat and she swallowed deeply as tears glazed her eyes. She felt an unexpected rush of love that was pure and fierce and protective. _

"_If anyone ever tries to do anything to him, they'll have to come through me." She said it gruffly, still choked up with emotion. Jason was silent but his eyes communicated his entire agreement with the sentiment. "We have him back, Jason, he came back to us." Her voice was full of wonder and the tears had finally been allowed their release and were tracking down her cheeks. _

_Jason leaned in towards Diane, he pressed his forehead against hers while he absently wiped at her tears with the palms of his hands. He was looking down at the baby with reverence and said in a voice as rough and choked as hers, "Yeah, he did, he came back and this time…" He couldn't continue for a moment and then he managed to regain his voice, "This time, I'm doing it right. He's all that matters whatever he needs…" Together they watched as Damian twitched and yawned and closing his eyes to block out the light and the two faces looming over him fell fast asleep. _

_Jason reached over and took him from Diane who to her own surprise was reluctant to release him and amazed to find she missed holding him. "You can go upstairs freshen up, take a shower whatever you need. Then," he gave her a sidelong glance, "I…I was wondering if you could help me, help us." He nodded down at the sleeping infant._

"_Of course, whatever you need," Diane was now fully awake and she did require a shower but afterwards she quite liked the thought of being of service to tiny little Damian in any way she might. _

"_Shopping," there he had said it, the dreaded, hated word! "Damian needs all kinds of things and I don't even know where to start because we still don't have a car seat and so, I don't know how I'm supposed to take him out to get one…" He trailed off, clearly becoming agitated at the very idea of the loathsome, complex task he had to undertake on behalf of the tiny little person for whom he had assumed responsibility._

_Diane wanted desperately to laugh but one look at Jason's tormented face convinced her of the inadvisability of doing so. Besides shopping was a blood sport to her, Jason and his new son couldn't be in better hands. She popped up off the couch and was heading for the stairs before Jason realized she had gone._

"_I'll be just a jiffy and then we'll get started." Her voice came drifting down the stairwell, becoming fainter and fainter. "Ooooh, this will be such fun!" Jason shuddered at that one. "You might start compiling a list…" That was the last he heard. He groaned as he rose and headed for the desk by the door, picking up a pen he began to obediently scribble items down on a notepad._

_Jason was surprised to hear Diane's light tread coming down the stairs only a half hour later. He had presumed that he would have to wait an hour at least and probably more. She looked as fresh and presentable as always, there was no sign of the flyaway hair or even the slightest indication of wrinkles in the immaculate pantsuit in which she had slept. _

"_Now, "she said rubbing her hands together with relish as she looked forward to the task at hand. "Did you manage to make that list?' Without waiting for a reply she started looking around the living room and it was obvious she was failing to find whatever she was searching for. "Where's your computer?" She asked a slightly puzzled frown line appearing between her eyes. _

"_Computer?" Jason responded just as confused as Diane. "What computer," he stared at her wondering what she meant._

"_Jason!" she was thunderstruck. "This is almost a decade into the twenty-first century and you're telling me that you don't own a computer?" She couldn't conceive of it, she really couldn't._

"_Well, um," he jiggled the sleeping baby nervously, wishing he would wake up and cry or do something to distract them from this awkward conversation. "When Spinelli," God! He thought after last night and today, it would be easier to think about him, talk about him but apparently not. "He was the one, anytime I needed something that involved computers I would go to him. You know how it was Diane, if Spinelli was there-so was his laptop. I never learned how to do any of that, didn't want to, didn't need to…" He trailed off, it was disjointed but it was the best, most true explanation he could offer to explain his lack of what was considered a basic necessity of modern life. _

_Dian nodded her head, "Yes, that computer was like a piece of Mr. Grasshopper's soul, those two had almost a mystical communion. It was simultaneously his greatest strength and his greatest weakness especially when he used it to hide from the real world."_

_A flare of tired anger flashed through Jason at her comment. "He hid from the world as you say because the world wasn't always very understanding of who he was."_

"_Jason," she hadn't meant to upset him or bring up painful memories, "I meant no disrespect. I know people were often unkind to Mr. Spinelli that they didn't bother to look past his surface eccentricities to the sweet, thoughtful, gentle person inside. I just meant that he compounded it by using that 'cyber-companion' of his as a social barrier and it was a shame that he…well," she finished lamely, "I miss him too, more than you can imagine." _

"_I'm sorry I snapped at you, Diane. You were always very kind to him, you actually listened to what he said and responded to it without condescension or ridicule as so many other people did. I thought," he spared another glance for Damian snuggled securely in his arms. "I thought," he continued reflectively, "that now he's here and there's hope and a future once more that all those feelings-missing him, wishing he were still here-I thought that they would go away or at least stop hurting so much." He gave her a look of such abandonment that it broke her heart._

_She stepped closer to him and reaching up placed her hand gently on his cheek. He closed his eyes and pressed his own hand against hers, he had yearned for human contact, for another's touch. These last months had been so full of unbearable solitude and the unending horror of the unbridled brutality that human beings could demonstrate against others of their kind. Epiphany and he had formed an unbreakable bond but by necessity it was practical and unsentimental. They had each other's backs and had watched out for the best interests of the unending stream of victims that crossed their path but there had been no place or time for heart to heart conversations or emotional disclosures. Anyway, neither Jason nor Epiphany was built for such mawkish displays._

_Still, in this moment his protective armor had been entirely breached by one defenseless and miraculous infant and he stood before Diane emotionally raw and vulnerable. He knew he should be feeling nothing but unalloyed joy at the advent of this new individual to his world. Yet, a part of him still felt deprived, a traitor to Spinelli's memory if he simply embraced this new person-deliberately set apart by naming him Damian-as a replacement for someone who was irreplaceable._

"_Jason," she was finally speaking after giving him a moment to accept her comfort, to collect himself. "First of all, this is an entirely unique situation. There are no self-help groups for single fathers of reincarnated children and even," now she couldn't help a little wicked smile curving up her lips as she continued, "if you wanted to start one, I think you might still find yourself the only member."_

_Jason was listening closely to her and he gave her a wan smile, a reward for the vision she had conjured up. He flashed on the bizarre image of Jason and Damian sitting quietly as they waited patiently for the arrival of the nonexistent members of a very exclusive group. _

"_Not even if I included single mothers or couples?" He responded gamely, trying to get into the spirit of things._

"_Even then," she answered back, "Or at least you probably wouldn't want Damian around the kind of people that would show up at the meetings…" _

_That was indeed the crux of the matter. If anyone else had mentioned this situation to Diane Miller and expected her to take it seriously or indeed in anyway except as a pathetic joke or an example of mental instability they would have been sadly disappointed. Yet, here she was an ardent acolyte to the idea that in this singular case the unfathomable had occurred. Still, even faced with the undeniable existence of baby Damian, she now no more believed in the idea of reincarnation or the supernatural or fate or destiny-call it what you will-than did Jason Morgan._

_This then put them in the most awkward position of acknowledging something unbelievable but only in one particular instance and only when it directly impacted them personally. Really though, Diane supposed that such an attitude was actually the best definition for the contrariness of the human condition. "If it affects me or helps me, then it's plausible and if it doesn't, well I then discount it…"_

"_Anyway," she continued on, searching for the words that would help Jason come to terms with this most exceptional of circumstances. "It's not just that you have suddenly had a baby enter you life and all the changes and adaptations that it implies, never mind that your overriding feeling is one of happiness, it's still a most overwhelming occurrence. We both know that it's confounded by who we truly believe this baby to be." She stole a glance at Damian and even with those remarkable eyes shut in peaceful slumber she was astounded at the resemblance, the blatant twinship visible in his countenance. "You must know that even if every cell in his body has Spinelli's actual DNA-which I do honestly believe to be the case." Here Diane paused and looked at Jason earnestly, she was determined that he appreciate how much she was on board with this entirely unlooked for but wonderfully delightful happenstance. He nodded his head briefly, grateful for her support and understanding. "It doesn't follow that he will _be_ Spinelli. Even identical twins have personality differences. Also, the environment a child is raised in colors who and what he will become. It's my understanding," she queried cautiously, uncertain of her information, her footing in this area, "that not much is known of Mr. Grasshopper's background, his familial history?"_

_Jason looked down briefly at the sleeping baby before replying. "Yeah, all the family he ever talked about was his Grandmother down in Tennessee. Otherwise, I never heard him mention parents or brothers or sisters, any other family and I never asked…" Just one more oversight to add to the long list of things he had never thought to find out about Spinelli until it was too late to learn anything at all except how it felt to have him gone. _

"_Well, then I venture to say that this child, Damian here," and she couldn't help herself as her hand reached out to gently stroke the amazingly thick hair that sprawled in total luxuriant disarray across his head, "Will have a much different upbringing than Mr. Spinelli. He'll be surrounded by loving and caring people, the most seminal and important being you, Jason. I know the task might seem a little daunting, even insurmountable at the moment. Yet, I have total faith in your facility in accomplishing it in such a way that in a few short years we will all be presented with a young man that it will be our privilege to know."_

_Jason blushed slightly at the compliment she paid him. "I'm going to try and do my absolute best by him, to do everything I didn't do or couldn't do for…" He bit his lip as he looked into Diane's compassionate eyes. "What you're saying is that I should be careful not to mix them up-Damian and Spinelli? That just because Damian is here I shouldn't forget who Spinelli was and that I need to be careful in not expecting this little guy to replace Spinelli for me, that he's going to be his own person and I need to treat him that way." He looked expectantly at her waiting for her to confirm his interpretation, his understanding of what she had been trying to tell him. _

"_Exactly," Diane said approvingly, Jason always understood so much more than people seemed to realize he did. He really was quite apt at reading people and understanding their inner motivations. "So, it's quite appropriate that you still mourn Mr. Grasshopper. If it were possible that they each could co-exist then you would want that, would embrace it. The love you feel for Damian in no way nullifies that which you felt for his…predecessor…" She knew the term wasn't quite right. Really though, it wasn't as though she had a dictionary at hand telling her what to call the different stages of a reincarnated life while she doubted ever even managing to feel comfortable with the very concept itself._

_Jason sighed and smiled at Diane. "Thank you for saying it so clearly and so plainly. I felt like I was being disloyal, especially to Spinelli's memory but also that I was being disdainful of this chance to have Damian in my life. You're right, I absolutely would take both of them together but since that isn't possible." He swallowed and bending over kissed Damian's forehead softly. "Well, then I will concentrate on raising him in the best way I know how with lots of love and by keeping him safe. At the same time, I'll keep Spinelli, my memories of him alive in my heart. I'll try to always remember their differences as well as their similarities. I know Diane, I just know from the way I feel about this baby that he's the same as Spinelli to me, that he came back to me in the only way he could…"_

"_So," Diane knew that it was time for them both to get back on track and stop being so sappy. She was already flustered enough by the way this tiny baby had crept so deep into the recesses of her heart in less than twenty-four hours. Next thing you knew the three of them and Epiphany would be appearing on some morning talk show-"Reincarnation-Can it Happen to You?" It was a slippery slope indeed and Diane was the very person to bring them all back from the brink and she knew exactly how to accomplish it. "Didn't you say something about shopping?" Her eyes were sparkling with anticipation._

_Jason rolled his eyes but he knew he couldn't avoid it, the baby needed accoutrements and the list was long. "There is a computer or computers upstairs in Spinelli's room," he offered tentatively still not quite clear as to what Diane had in mind. _

"_Wonderful!" Diane exclaimed starting back up the stairs with a reluctant Jason in tow. "I can hardly wait to get started. I have so many ideas about the wee one…" She just ignored Jason's snort of disapproval and continued chatting on until they reached the closed door. "You all right with this?" She asked Jason compassionately as she turned back towards him. "If not, I can dash out and get my own lap top and be back before you or Damian even have a chance to miss me."_

"_No, it's fine," Jason said quietly. "I spend a lot of time in here. I feel close to him and he would totally approve of using his computers to help Damian." With that he stretched around her and opened the door allowing Diane to precede him._

_Diane took a moment to take in the famed 'regrettably pink room". "It really was a most peculiar shade," she thought to herself, unable to find a defining adjective. It wasn't rose or fuchsia or mallow or violet or lavender-it truly was just regrettably pink. _

"_Well," she said stepping into the room, her eyebrows raised disapprovingly, "Mr. Grasshopper certainly had more fortitude than I gave him credit for. How he ever managed to reside in this room for what was it-over two years?" She turned to Jason and he nodded his head in sheepish confirmation. "Without his magnificent brain turning to mush or running out of here with a bad case of the screaming meenies, it's more than I care to contemplate."_

_Jason looked around seeing the room from Diane's perspective, "You know," he was speaking slowly, haltingly, he had never discussed this with anyone before. "I was just stubborn in the beginning-mean maybe even. He hated the colors of these walls from the start. Christened it the 'regrettably pink room' and it stuck. At first it was like, I didn't want him here and if he didn't like the room, didn't feel comfortable in it-well, then he could leave." He gave an embarrassed shrug, the baby still sleeping lengthwise in his arms. "Pretty soon I liked having him here, had gotten used to having him around and if he wanted to paint it, to change the color-he could have." Now, as he looked at the walls, the indescribable color, a small reminiscent smile curled Jason's lips. "He knew that too or at least I imagine he did. We had just fallen into this pattern, the way you do, he complained about it and I told him 'tough' and so it went."_

"_Men!" Diane uttered the heartfelt imprecation but really it was more of an interjection, to let Jason know that she was both listening and comprehending his point._

_He didn't even hear her, he was gone into the past, reflecting. "When he was sick…" he sighed, his chest rising and falling as he forced himself to amend the word, "dying and we brought him home, anything he needed was his for the asking. That included painting the room if he wanted to look at different colored walls, if that would help." Now he was in both places simultaneously the painful past and the hopeful present. He gazed at Diane, his eyes a little distracted, "He said, 'No, Stone Cold! The Jackal wants all comfort available to him and the room must remain verily as it has been during his long and happy sojourn therein. That directive includes the pigment of the walls, the Jackal wouldn't be able to slumber in peace where it to be altered to some shade less prominent, less soothing…'"_

"_A direct quote I take it," Diane said softly, not wanting to disrupt the flow of the memory._

_Jason had been looking down at the baby, moving his arms back and forth as he swayed him comfortingly. When he looked back up at Diane, there were tears standing in his eyes as he struggled with the memories, the conversation, the grief that still arose within him raw and fresh as the day it first descended. He nodded, swallowing over the lump in his throat. "So, we didn't change it, didn't paint it. Somehow he had come to depend on it-the color-as marking the room as his, unique as he was. I don't know if I ever could paint it now." He looked around considering, "I just don't know…"_

"_I think you do know," Diane said gently, reaching over to touch him on the shoulder, hoping the contact would help ground him and bring him fully back into the present. "You're going to leave it like this until such time, if it ever comes, that some reason arises to alter it. That's your prerogative, Jason, don't ever let anyone-like me for instance-tell you differently." She looked around with a delicate shudder. "I still say it's the most God-awful color! Now," she looked around the room briskly, "Where's that computer? Shopping waits for no woman or baby," she added with a silly smile as she reached a finger out and stroked Damian's soft cheek as he slept on oblivious. _

"_Over there," Jason gestured at the computer table that took up the entirety of the wall by the window. Even though he had agreed to let Diane use Spinelli's equipment, he still felt peculiar, as though he were somehow being disloyal to his memory._

_Diane walked over to the table and gave out a low whistle of appreciation as she took in the various computers and accessories assembled in a jumbled array. "I don't know what half this stuff is." She admitted as she ran her hand over some sleek indecipherable flat box whose black metallic blankness was only interrupted by a serried row of small brightly colored lights._

_Jason had walked over next to her, the baby now against his shoulder, he reached out a hand as well, having a compulsion to touch what had meant so much to his roommate. "Well," he said with a resigned sigh, "That's fifty percent more than I know. I was going to donate it all-to a school or a charity or something…"_

"_Why didn't you?" Diane asked curiously. "It's pretty obvious you're never going to do anything with it."_

"_It's like you said before, downstairs. The computer, these other gadgets, they were like a piece of him, a part of his soul. Man and machine merged in harmony." He said unexpectedly, surprising Diane with his sudden spurt of poetic fancy. "How could I give away more of him than I already did?" His eyes were sad as he looked at her, hoping she wouldn't find him overly maudlin or sentimental._

"_Indeed, how could you?" she replied in perfect agreement. "They belong here, with the other things that were his. Aha!" Her eagle eye had lit upon a laptop mixed in the mechanical clutter. "Perfect, this will do nicely." Diane extracted it from its companions and disconnected it from the charging cord. _

_She carried the laptop over to the bed and arranging several pillows behind her sat cross legged with computer placed in her lap. She looked over at Jason and patted the bed next to her inviting him to join her. Jason came over and sat down on the bed stretching his legs out but being careful, Diane noted with an inward smile, to not put his boots on the bedspread. The baby was starting to stir, making little gurgling noises and wrinkling his nose in a way that she found entirely distracting and obnoxiously adorable. She wrested her eyes away from his antics and placed them firmly on the screen in front of her._

"_What's first?" she inquired of Jason, trying to tilt her head so that she was staring at him but not the baby and failing miserably. He was on Jason's shoulder only inches away from her and with a sigh she realized the futility of resisting anymore. She felt her nose crinkling up and her lips forming a smile of their own accord as she leaned in towards the tiny sleepy face. "Did Damian have a good little sleepy by?" She winced even as the words exited her mouth and she glared up at Jason as she ascertained that he was indeed laughing at her. "Stop that!" She hissed at him indignantly. "I can't control myself-'Can I precious?'" She was raising a finger for him to grab onto sleepily while he tried to focus his eyes on her face. "Seriously, Jason if you ever tell anyone about this…well, I'll…I'll double my hourly rate!" Yes, it was the most fearsome threat she could manage in her weakened state._

"_Hey! Your secret is safe with me. I won't let a soul know what a softy Diane Miller is." He needed her to focus and he could tell that as long as Damian was less than a foot away from her it wasn't going to happen. He couldn't blame her, the infant had the exact same effect on him. Jason resolved to remove temptation, he moved Damian to his opposite shoulder. _

_Diane looked surprisingly bereft, her finger still suspended where just a moment ago the baby had been clasping it. "Oh," the solitary syllable indicated her bereavement. "All right then," she turned back to the computer, to the task at hand in order to hide her lapse in composure though she knew she wasn't fooling herself or Jason. "What should we order first…Wait!" She forestalled Jason who had just been about to speak, "Let me guess," she was back to her usual sardonic self, mushy Diane was back in the closet until the next time Damian stared at her with his sea green eyes. "A car seat!" They spoke in stereo. This time it was Diane's turn to laugh, "You are so predictable, Jason."_

_He looked at her offended, "Safety, Diane, with babies it's all about safety."_

_He watched intently as she turned back to the laptop. It was nothing like watching Spinelli, he thought with interest. She wasn't nearly as quick and she frequently stopped and perused items that weren't the target. Little excited bursts of "Oh, how cute!" and "That is just too precious!" interspersed with calculating glances at Jason as though she were evaluating his tolerance for going off track._

"_Diane!" He finally felt it incumbent it upon him to call her back to the goal. "A car seat-utilitarian, practical, can't go anywhere with the baby without one-have you found one?"_

"_Certainly," she replied crisply, "Found it, ordered it, it should be showing up at your front door within the hour." She looked over at him smugly, pleased to see the bemused look in his eyes as he tried to figure out how she could be so efficient. _

"_Why didn't you let me see it? Weren't there several to choose from? I want him to have the best and safest one available." He felt vaguely thwarted that he hadn't had any input in the decision even though he was always claiming how much he hated to shop. Still, this was for Damian and he needed to be involved in the decisions that affected him._

"_They had all the safety ratings, age and weight criteria, comfort and style. I compared them all and naturally, went for the priciest one. Nothing is too good for our Damian." Incredibly she was trying to reach over Jason to the baby, wanting to coo at him or look at him or something she didn't know herself, just that it was a compulsion over which she had no control._

_Jason resolutely moved Damian out of her reach, holding him away from her like he was denying her a reward until she answered his concerns. "You're sure it's a good one?" He queried her closely._

"_Yes, Jason," Diane suddenly realized that by excluding him from the process she had made him feel extraneous, not part of the first virtual shopping spree for his son. "Look, the car seat is a done deal and it should already be on its way. I asked for express delivery and with the fees they charge for that the service better be exemplary." This speech was accompanied by a little snort of warning. They had better be prompt if they didn't want to end up in court for false advertising. "I'm sorry, I thought I would just do the ordering so as to save you the aggravation since you seem to despise shopping so much, but I think I may have overstepped my bounds and I apologize." It was clear that she was entirely sincere in her remorse._

_In response, Jason brought Damian back over towards her, handing him over to Diane with a shamefaced look that indicated that he knew he had been petty. "No, ordinarily you'd be right-you could do it all and I would just be…relieved, grateful. This is for him though, Damian, and I want to be a part of it." He stared intently at her, wanting to make sure things were okay between them. He didn't want to argue with Diane, he owed her too much and he wanted her to be a part of Damian's life, his world._

"_Diane," He gave her a moment to hear him, to remove her attention from Damian. What he wanted to say, needed to ask her was too important for him not to have her full concentration on the matter. _

"_Mmmh?" She responded absently, she was studying Damian's tiny little fingers, curled around one of her own. "It's true what they say, you know." She spared Jason a glance before looking back down at the baby entirely enraptured. "Just like us-fingers, fingernails, eyes, nose," she tapped the corresponding feature gently and received a scrunched up baby face in response, "but all in miniature-perfect, reproduced miniature." She was almost reverent in her awe. _

"_Yes," she had managed to do it, to distract Jason from his point, his request. "He's perfect in every way." Now he was also bending over Damian. Their two heads, one red, one light brown, focused on a little baby that took it wholly as his due as he yawned up at them, his tongue flicking back and forth from in between his lips. Jason belatedly remembered that there was something he had wanted to ask Diane. He bumped her with his shoulder to get her to notice him. "Diane!" It sounded almost petulant and since Jason Morgan didn't do petulant that did indeed pique her curiosity._

"_What is it, Jason?" She asked him, impatient to get back to contemplating the warm form in her arms. _

_She knew Jason would be taking him back from her sooner than she would be ready to relinquish him. It wasn't fair, he was going to have Damian twenty-four/seven. Couldn't she just have a little uninterrupted quality time with him before he was snatched away again and she would feel that miserable empty ache in her arms?_

_Jason sighed to himself. It was evident that as long as she was holding Damian he would only have half her attention, if that. Well, he couldn't blame her, it was the same for him, nothing much else had mattered in his world either since the first moment he had picked up the baby and cuddled him last night. So, he opted for speaking clearly and with intensity as a way for compensating for Diane's understandable distraction. "Diane Miller," he began formally, "Damian Spinelli Morgan would like to request the privilege, indeed the great honor, of having you as his godmother." There he'd said it. Jason looked over at her, his head tilted, one eyebrow raised as he waited for her answer._

_He was disappointed, it was as though she hadn't heard him or even worse hadn't understood the enormity of what he had been offering, the opportunity to help raise and be a vital part of this undeniably special child's life, his future. Jason was surprised at how hurt, how forlorn he felt in Diane's rejection, her blatant disregard of what was the most valuable gift in his power to bestow. _

_He was utterly mistaken. Diane had indeed heard him but Jason had managed to do something that hadn't happened since she had purchased her first pair of designer shoes upon graduation from law school, he had reduced her to speechlessness. She finally managed to croak out, her voice dry and raw with emotion, "What…what did you say?" She looked at him warily, frightened that he might have been teasing her. "I'll kill him!" she thought to herself furiously, if that were the case. Surely there was some law being broken-cruelty to counsel or unfair use of an infant to provoke an untoward response, something…and she would find it._

_Jason looked at her carefully, he could see she was emotional but there was something else deep in her eyes, a flicker of fear perhaps? He decided to do away with the convoluted way he had said it previously and just state it flatly. "Will you be Damian's Godmother?"_

_That was better, now he'd said it twice, the second time in clear unambiguous language. She would snatch the offer up and if he _dared_ to even think about reneging she would have him up on a breach of promise so fast that he wouldn't have time to put his suit on for the courtroom appearance! "Yes!" It was unequivocal and immediate, there was absolutely nothing on the planet she wanted more. Kate Howard could be standing there dangling the keys to the Crimson closet and telling her it was all hers if she just severed ties with the little baby in her arms and she would tell her to shove it. Diane Miller would shop retail from now on out-that's how much she wanted, no needed, this little miracle in her life. _

"_Yes?" Jason was bemused, he had only ever heard Diane be so absolute when it was a question of clothing or shoes, everyone knew about her penchant for shoes. Damian wasn't an accessory she could outgrow though. "You're sure? You understand this is for the long haul?"_

"_Yes, Jason. I…I don't think anyone has ever given me such an opportunity, to trust me with this, with him," she glanced down in amazement at the little bundle in her arms, "thank you, thank you so much." Tears were brimming in her eyes for the second time that day, they spiraled unchecked down her face. "I won't disappoint you or Damian. I swear it."_

_A smile crossed his face, it was uncomplicated and it crinkled his eyes making him look young and vulnerable. Once again she marveled at the transformation of this man that she had known for years and until last night would have sworn that he was incapable of smiling like that, of feeling simple joy. She was happy for him, whatever he had done that was wrong had been in the past. He had more than paid his dues, without any idea of recompense he had gone out into the world with one simple goal of making it a better place for those who couldn't do it on their own. It had cost him so much, these past months had eaten away at him. The disintegration that had begun with Spinelli's death had inexorably continued until Diane had feared dying was his goal, his ultimate penance for prior sins. So, it was doubly sweet to see him once again have the spark of life in his eyes, to have a purpose that pertained to this baby and himself rather than a never ending stream of the needy and victimized. If anyone deserved a chance at a new life, a future that involved love and hope, that someone in her estimation was Jason Morgan. _

_She smiled back at him and with a sigh of regret, handed Damian over. Jason took him eagerly, every moment he was out of his arms he felt empty. "Well, then," she said turning back to the neglected computer. "Looks like Auntie Diane better make sure that her little Damian is properly turned out when he faces the world. What he wears will reflect directly back on me."_

_Jason used his free hand to rub his forehead as he thought how he could rein her in tactfully before the baby was being swaddled in designer clothes that he would outgrow in a matter of weeks. "There are some other things we should order first, Diane." He tried to sound firm as she turned a pouty face towards him. He shifted the baby so that he could tick the items off of the list he had composed earlier. "Car seat-check, stroller, changing table and diaper pail," he raised an inquiring eyebrow at her exclamation of disgust. "What goes in the front end comes out the rear, Diane." He said it calmly trying to hide his amusement at her discomfiture at the mention of bodily functions. _

"_I know, I know," she said hastily, disliking being caught out in her starry eyed view towards all things baby having nothing to do with the less than savory reality of spit up or crying or…other things. She was typing and searching as he spoke, piling items into the virtual shopping cart. "What else…"she started to say when she realized Jason had stopped reading from his list and was glaring at her in silent accusation. _

_Diane suddenly realized that she had done it again, had been picking out the baby items without any input from him. With an apologetic shrug she turned the screen of the laptop so that he could see it as well. Then she clicked on every one of the articles and showed him what she had chosen to order. Jason didn't disagree with her choices, it looked like she had made informed decisions about every one. Still, he needed to be included in the process, to know, that as Damian's father, he had the final word, the right to veto anything she had ordered, even if he never intended on doing so. _

_Diane cocked her head at him and giving him a slightly abashed smile, asked, "Is that better, Mr. Morgan?"_

"_Yeah," Jason agreed gruffly, his feelings mollified. "You can call me, Jason." He added with a cocky grin. Diane responded by jabbing her elbow sharply into his side. "Ow! Watch it! Baby on board," he said only half kidding even though Damian appeared entirely unperturbed by the exchange. _

"_The rest of the list?" Diane queried him sharply, ignoring his outburst. _

_Jason rolled his eyes and began reading again, "snuggly, baby monitor, bathing tub, crib mobile, diaper bag…" The list was endless and Diane's eyes started to glaze as she typed. She had never thought there could ever be anything as too much shopping but who knew one little baby required so many things just to get through his day?_

_Jason on the other hand, was quite enamored of utilizing this method to shop. It seemed almost magical, Diane would type in the requisite article, a selection of options would appear on the screen, they would consult about it for a moment, and with a quick click she would pop it into the shopping cart, It almost, not quite, but almost made shopping a painless experience. _

_Diane clicked on express home delivery and submitted the order. "There!" She announced triumphantly, "That should all start trickling in through your front door in an hour or so, since they had everything in stock at the local store."_

"_Wow!" Jason said in appreciative admiration. "That…that was almost tolerable." He was looking at her with respect, she had definitely been the right person for the job. Then a thought struck him. "Diane, how did you pay for all of it?" He might be new to internet shopping but he knew it still required money in one form or another._

"_With a credit card of course," she looked at him as though he was somewhat mentally challenged._

"_Your credit card?" He asked in order to clarify things._

"_No, Jason," she said sarcastically, "I swiped your credit card from your wallet when you were occupied with Damian. Of course my credit card, what of it? Can't I spoil my godson?" She was showing signs of needing another baby fix but was forestalled in reaching over for Damian by Jason's frowning visage. "What is it?" she asked him resignedly, recognizing he wasn't going to let this go without a fight._

"_I can't let you pay for all…for everything that Damian needs. It's not your place and besides," he glanced down at the baby, "I need to do it, he's my…son." It was the first time he had said the word, had referred to him that way. _

_Diane was touched and so, she relented. "How about a compromise?" She asked. "I'll give you the bills for all this we just ordered and you can reimburse me." Jason was already nodding his head in agreement with the arrangement. She wasn't finished though. "Then I order and get to pay for the layette and Damian's clothes. As a matter of fact," now she was looking at Jason with a steely glance, her legal persona clearly in control, "I think all clothing decisions pertaining to this young man should be cleared through me until he is of an age to choose for himself." By then, Diane knew she would have molded him into her image of a well dressed young man. "I mean honestly, Jason, look at how you dress. I imagine you would find little tiny blue jeans and black t-shirts with a matching miniature leather jacket and call it good!"_

_Jason couldn't even take umbrage at her estimation of his interest in appropriate clothing for Damian. Right now his only priority was getting him out of the feminine clothes intended for Sam's daughter. He looked at her speculatively, she met his gaze unwaveringly. "Okay," he sighed, "You get to choose and buy his clothes for now." He was going to reserve the right to alter the deal if required. He didn't know if Diane even knew how to spell the word practical and little children needed clothing that was easy to get them in and out of quickly and was also durable. _

_Before the words of concession were out of his mouth Diane had attacked the keyboard with renewed enthusiasm. Jason looked at her choices and winced when he saw her leaning towards onesies and coveralls decorated with rainbows and little lambs. "Diane," he didn't want her to think he was already reneging but really he had to stand up for Damian's dignity in this situation. "Couldn't you find something more suited for a little boy?" He remembered his thought from the night before. "See if they have something with a jackal on it." He urged her excitedly._

_Diane shot him a disgusted look. "Really, Jason! Don't be absurd, a jackal where would I…" Then she belatedly comprehended what he was saying and she had to laugh. "I can't imagine they'll be any such…" She did try but the only thing she found was a motorcycle logo that wasn't really anything to do with a jackal. She looked at him with an apologetic shrug._

_Jason gave a self-conscious laugh. "It was just an idea and maybe not the brightest one after our discussion about separating…well, not confusing the two of them with each other." He looked down at Damian and said, "It's time to change and feed him again anyway. I'll leave the clothes shopping to you then." He got up off the bed, somehow diminished in spirit as though the failure to find a symbolic jackal represented losing another tie to Spinelli, to his memory._

_Diane watched him leave the room, she felt that she had failed Jason by not producing the one thing he had asked her to find for him. Also, she found that she missed Damian, he had been gone less than a minute and she had to quell the urge to follow them just so she could be around him and make inane noises while Jason fed and changed him. _

"_Get a grip woman!" She told herself fiercely, but for once her self-lecture didn't work. _

_She returned her attention to the laptop intent on finishing her shopping as quickly as possible. It had happened without her realizing it, in less than twenty-four hours one tiny infant had turned her world on its head. Now she preferred watching a baby sleep or stare up at her or take his bottle or doing just about anything to shopping. Damian Morgan had done what no one else had ever come close to achieving, he had domesticated Diane Miller. _

"_Your Auntie Diane has arranged for practically the whole world to come directly to our door. She promises that by the end of the day you'll have everything that you need to be a happy and safe baby." Damian was lying on the bathroom counter, contentedly listening to Jason. His eyes roved around randomly as he worked on focusing on objects and learning this new home of his. _

_He wrapped the baby up in a blanket and headed downstairs to warm up another bottle from the stash in the refrigerator. He had just started feeding Damian when the door bell rang. "What do you want to bet that's the car seat?" _

_He carried the baby over to the door, trying not to jiggle him to much while he was drinking. For perhaps the first time in his life Jason opened the front door without paying any attention to who was on the other side. All his concentration was on the suckling infant as he opened the door wide and stepped back without looking up. "Just carry it in and put it down on the floor over there, please." He said pointing vaguely towards the open center of the living room._

"_Jason," the voice was familiar and unexpected and he looked up startled. "Why did you buy a car seat? Is it for one of those families that you help?" It was Carly standing in the doorway and she did indeed have a large bulky box containing a car seat held awkwardly in her arms. _

"_Carly! What are you doing here?" Jason's less than gracious response had more to do with his surprise than anything else. He was actually excited to see her and introduce Damian to her._

_Carly had brushed by him and walked into the penthouse oblivious of the tiny person cradled in Jason's arms. She put the box down where he had indicated and turning around was going to pursue her line of questioning when she stopped dead. She had finally seen the infant. "Jason…you have a…a baby!" It was a statement of fact but her tone was colored by a disbelieving incredulity as though she couldn't believe her eyes. _

_Jason smiled at her and she was actually more affected by it than either Epiphany or Diane because once upon a time he had bestowed that same smile on her. She hadn't realized how much she had missed seeing his face light up like that. It had been years since Carly had seen Jason just simply be happy. She thought it might have been back when Michael was an infant and Jason was raising him-her son and his nephew. Carly Jax was seldom fazed by anything life threw at her. She had absorbed shock after shock and more than held her ground as she usually bounced back ready to take on all comers. This though…it was entirely unexpected and she found herself reaching for the couch, her legs had suddenly become too weak to support her. _

"_Carly?" It was Jason standing over her, holding the baby as he looked down at her with a look of concern replacing the sunlit smile. "Are you okay? Can I get you anything?"_

_She nodded her head, her throat was dry and she rasped out, "Yes, please, a glass of water." _

_Ever since Spinelli's death, Carly had seen little of Jason. He hadn't kept in touch. It was all on Carly, she showed up periodically at the penthouse always during the day so that she could be sure she would catch him at home. She knew, the whole city knew, what he did with his nights. Sometimes Carly had helped Jason when he had asked her to find some woman or a teenager a job at the Metro Court. She understood that these people were the flotsam and jetsam of society, the ones that everyone averted their faces from and pretended not to see when they encountered them in the street. Yet, she had never had a single problem with any person that Jason had recommended for employment-every single one had been conscientious and hard working. _

_Those were the only times Jason had come to her, had sought her out. She missed him in her life, missed her friend, her confidante, her shoulder to cry upon. Yet, she also wanted to help him, to give him succor as he worked his way through his grief over Spinelli, but he refused to let her. He would allow her into the penthouse, he would offer her something to drink but he wouldn't talk about anything but the most superficial of matters and only those pertaining to Carly's life. He would inquire about Morgan, Jax, and the hotel while not offering a single detail about what was going on with him. It broke her heart. Then today when she had stopped by spontaneously as she realized how long it had been since she'd seen him, she found him ordering car seats and not for some anonymous infant either but for the one curled up in his arms having a bottle. Jason had a baby in his life and he hadn't said one word about it to her, Carly Jax._

"_Why didn't you tell me?" Carly immediately went on the attack as she took the proffered glass of water from Jason. All the hurt and indignation she felt at being left out of this momentous event in her best friend's life was clearly evident in her voice. She sounded like she was going to start crying at any moment. _

_Jason knew every aspect of Carly's behaviors, her moods, her reactions to thing and he could tell how offended she was. He couldn't help smiling at her, she never changed. _

_Carly saw the smile and bristled. "I'm glad you think this is so funny, Jason! You have a baby…a baby and you didn't think to let me know. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Where did it come from anyway?" Her naturally insatiable curiosity was getting the better of her wounded pride and she craned her neck trying to get a better look at the infant in Jason's arms as he stood next to her. "Is it a little girl?" She asked, thinking it must be since the baby was dressed in what looked like a pink onesie with a butterfly on the front. A faint frisson of envy coursed through her as she thought longingly of the little girl she and Jax had been trying to create._

_Jason frowned as he looked from the baby finishing his bottle to Carly. "No, he's _not_ a girl," he said defensively, recognizing that the outfit had caused Carly to make an erroneous assumption. "I've had to use the clothes that Sam bought for her baby girl while I'm waiting for his own to arrive." Jason stared up at the ceiling and fervently hoped that Diane was managing to control herself and was ordering appropriate outfits for Damian. "Carly," he continued in a conciliatory tone, "I wasn't keeping anything from you. I've only had him since last night." He looked down at Damian and taking the empty bottle from his mouth moved him into burping position on his left shoulder where he'd put the spit up cloth._

"_Last night?" Carly echoed in puzzlement. "Where did he come from? Is he some sort of foster child? Are you keeping him?" The questions came fast and furious. Carly had forgotten her resentment and now she was in information gathering mode. _

_He looked at her with fond exasperation. Carly in full spate was a handful. "I found him, in a dumpster," he didn't think he would ever be able to remember how Damian had entered his life without being engulfed by cold fury._

"_A dumpster?" Carly was horrified. She stood up now completely metamorphosed into full maternal mode. The thought of someone treating a tiny baby like that made her blood boil. "Who would do something like that to a baby?" She was moving towards Jason, her arms outstretched as she wordlessly asked to hold the infant. _

_He bit his lip as he handed Damian over. He was curious to watch Carly with the baby, to see if the same recognition would flood her features as it had for Diane and Epiphany. "He just ate," he warned her._

"_Jason!" She scorned his advice. "I think I know a thing or two about babies."_

_Even so she proceeded with caution as she whipped the towel off Jason's shoulder and laid it upon her own. She hoisted the baby up and began patting him on the back, all the while making little encouraging noises. "There's a good boy. Just a little burp and then I can get a look at you. Come on do it for your Aunt Carly…" The baby complied and afterwards Carly swung him around so he was lying in her arms looking straight up at her._

_Jason watched the two of them with bated breath. He wanted so much for Carly to see the resemblance but was anxious that she might not. It was somehow necessary to him for all the important people in his life to recognize the miracle that had occurred in both his and their lives and to do so without any prompting from him, by seeing it for themselves. _

_At first Carly just cuddled the baby, she stroked his hair and murmured to him in a soothing voice that was too low for Jason to hear what she was saying. Then her attention sharpened and she stopped rocking the baby as she focused on his face, his eyes. She gazed at her fingers entangled in his unruly, thick hair. She stared down at the sea green eyes quietly regarding her and her breath caught with a sharp inhale._

"_You found _this _child in a dumpster?" She was staring at Jason, her eyes large and questioning. _

_He nodded his head, swallowing over the lump in his throat as he saw the slow spread of wonder across Carly's face. She had seen it, once again the resemblance was too authentic to be denied. "You see it, don't you, Carly?" Now, he could ask for the reassurance he seemed to crave. _

_He needed her to validate his belief just as he had with Diane and Epiphany. It was all still too raw, too new and he was too close to it, too invested in wanting it to be true to believe his own eyes. Every time someone he trusted and loved looked at this baby, this miracle and saw what he did, it brought it home to Jason, his life was altered forever and in a way he could never have foreseen. Eventually, he surmised the awe he felt whenever he looked at Damian would just merge into plain, unconditional love. Yet, that simply meant he was going to savor every moment of these first few days. He would forever cherish these initial encounters where a tiny child once again proved to world weary, cynical adults that there were still mysteries in the universe that only faith could proclaim. _

"_Wow!" Carly was stunned. She was grinning at Jason in total delight. Her smile was reflected and matched by his own as they communed across the baby who had entangled his fingers in the beads of Carly's necklace. "I see it, Jason. It's him all over again." She reassured him, phrasing it bluntly. "It's Spinelli."_

"_I'm calling him, Damian," Jason interposed, trying to make a point of the difference to someone whose forte was not and never would be subtlety._

"_He sure was a cute baby," she continued looking down at him and laughing at him grasping the beads while he stared straight up at her, enjoying a new face to peruse. "All that hair! I guess he came by it honestly, huh?" She glanced back at Jason, inviting him to join her in her evaluation of all things Spinelli when she stopped talking, alarmed by the pained expression on his face. "What's wrong, aren't you happy? Just a minute ago you couldn't stop smiling. I thought you'd be over the moon."_

"_He's not Spinelli," Jason said repressively, he had been blindsided at the wash of anguish that had flooded him at Carly's casual invocation of his brother. "I know he looks just like him, but he's a baby, Carly. We don't know who he'll be when he grows up. It isn't fair to him or to Spinelli to treat him like a…" He searched awkwardly for the word he wanted, "clone." _

_Once over her initial shock, Carly seemed almost blasé in her acceptance of the outlandish fact that a baby who looked just like Spinelli had popped up unexpectedly in a dumpster for Jason to claim and take home. She appeared to feel that this was just the universe setting something to rights for Jason as had happened so often in her own life. Yet, she was missing the nuances of the situation. Carly had entirely overlooked both Jason's unresolved grief and his concern that Damian not be expected to wear the burdensome mantle of having to be exactly like Spinelli in all ways, not just in his outer manifestation. Who would have thought that between the two of them that it was Diane Miller who had come off as more intuitive and sensitive on this precise topic?_

_Carly really didn't get the distinction. If someone had presented her with a baby Michael as a do over in life, she would have accepted him without hesitation. She would watch unceasingly for signs and behaviors to indicate that it was indeed her beloved elder son back where he belonged with all the same likes and dislikes and mannerisms that were his hallmarks. She knew how much Jason had loved Spinelli and she would have thought that he would want this baby to be as close to a carbon copy as humanly possibly. Yet, here he was distinguishing the two with flimsy hair splitting like calling him Damian and issuing dire warnings against clones. _

_Still, she wanted that uncomplicated smile back on his face and if she had to prevaricate a tad to get it there, well that was certainly something she could do with the ease of long practice. "You're right," she managed to sound appropriately contrite, "I wasn't thinking. Of course he's going to be his own person. Although," she just couldn't help putting in her own perspective, "It will be interesting to see what types of Spinelli things do show up as he gets older. I bet he'll love computers!" _

_She was laughing at Jason and he rewarded her with a good natured groan. "You're probably right," he agreed as he stroked Damian's hair, "but absolutely _no _hacking! Do you hear me young man?" He wagged his finger with mock severity in Damian's face. The baby set Carly's beads loose and grabbed onto Jason's finger, gurgling up at him in good natured accord._

_Just then Diane came down the staircase, "It's all ordered, Jason. There should be a steady stream of packages arriving at any moment." She registered both Carly's presence and the fact that she was currently in possession of Damian. Her eyes narrowed jealously as she said with icy formality, "Well, hello, Carly, I didn't know you were here."_

"_Yes, I came to visit Jason," Carly looked back at her coolly, staking her claim based on their prior history. "I brought up the car seat and am getting acquainted with little Spin...Damian. Aren't I sweetie?" She cooed down at the bundle in her arms. _

"_So, I see." Diane's eyes were shooting daggers at her as she inched closer, her hands itching to take Damian away from the blond hussy. "May I hold him?" She would give politeness a try before pulling the rank of being his Godmother._

_Jason could sense the dissension and animosity and so could Damian. He started to cry and before either women could react Jason had him safely back in his arms and was comforting him against his shoulder. He was glaring at them both and getting ready to lecture them quietly so as not to further upset the baby when the doorbell rang. _

"_Probably the start of all those deliveries," he called back over his shoulder, glad of the reprieve. _

"_Jason, do not get used to thinking of me as some sort of personal delivery service." Epiphany had started speaking as soon as he opened the door. "I agreed to bring these upstairs and there are plenty more in the lobby for you to go sign for." She walked through the door and placed the parcels on the desk. Then she turned back to Jason and held out her arms imperiously. "Here, let me have him. You go downstairs and deal with that pile of stuff you ordered for this little one. I swear, not even a month old and you're already spoiling him!" She glowered at Jason as he reluctantly handed Damian over to her. _

"_Hey," he said defensively, trying to hide how glad he was to welcome her competent, reassuring presence in his home. If it had been just Carly and Diane facing off with each other like they were considering pro-wrestling careers, there was no way he could have been persuaded to leave Damian with them while he went downstairs and sorted out the deliveries. "It was Diane's idea to order everything over the internet and have it sent here. It was convenient and you know I was starting pretty much from scratch and babies need a lot of things…" He was just getting ready to list all the items that were absolute necessities for Damian to get through an average day when he was forestalled by the irritation evident in Epiphany's gimlet eye._

"_Hmmh," she said decidedly unimpressed. "Well, you better get down there before that elderly gentleman that mans the front desk keels over from a coronary from all the stress of dealing with all these unexpected packages for the, and I quote, 'very taciturn and very intimidating Mr. Morgan in the penthouse'." She finished resoundingly._

"_Diane!" She exclaimed catching sight of the other occupants of the living room. "Did you spend the night?" She was curious, what a ménage a trios that must have been._

"_Indeed I did, Epiphany," Diane replied smugly, catching sight of Carly's outraged face from the corner of her eye. "It was a most enjoyable experience, I might add."_

_Jason only heard, "You spent the night?" erupting from Carly before deciding that dealing with a nervous Mr. Hansen and a bevy of packages was a much more attractive alternative than remaining in the midst of what looked a brewing cat fight. He cast one apologetic glance in Damian's direction. The baby seemed to be looking at him accusingly. "Sorry," he muttered unhappily, "You're on your own for this one. Epiphany will take good care of you, I hope," he added weakly as he made his escape, closing the door thankfully behind him. As soon as he was gone the sniping began._

"_I am his best friend and as such I am sure he would want _me _to hold the baby while he's gone." Carly was trying to get an imposing Epiphany to hand Damian over to her care._

"_Jason entrusted him to me because it is plain that I am the only responsible one here. Besides, I am a registered nurse and I was the first one he let hold this child." She stated her position with the absolute authority that caused orderlies and nurses to scurry in order to do her bidding._

"_Well, I came home with Jason and Damian last night. Then today he and I shopped for the wee one. If that doesn't imply confidence I don't know what does." Diane delivered her argument in her trademark courtroom voice of total assurance that the jury would always make the right decision when Diane Miller was finished explaining the facts of the case to them. _

"_I've had two kids. I think I know how to take care of a baby!" Carly drew out the mother card. _

"_I'm a mother too and I've seen more babies than either of you can count." Epiphany matched and raised her. _

"_I'm his godmother," She delivered it with perfect insouciance, knowing that it would trump anything the other two could possibly say in refutation. _

"_His godmother?" Carly and Epiphany exclaimed in unison._

"_What on earth was that boy thinking giving someone like you that kind of privilege? Have you ever even changed a diaper in your life, well, have you?" Epiphany was amazed to discover how upset and hurt she was by this perceived betrayal on Jason's part. After all they had been through together as they stood shoulder to shoulder against all comers and he chooses Diane Miller to be this little baby's godmother. She couldn't manage to wrap her mind around the idea. _

"_You must be mistaken. Jason would never pick you over me to be his godmother. We've shared so much, he's a second father to my boys. There's absolutely no way he would have asked you to be Damian's Godmother without coming to me first, no way…" Carly wasn't quite sure if she was trying to convince Diane or herself. She felt outraged and displaced in Jason's life and by extension the baby's. She had just always assumed that Jason would want her as involved and connected in the life of any child he had as she had always included him in Michael's and Morgan's lives. If that most fundamental precept to their relationship wasn't true then she hadn't ever really known or understood Jason at all and she simply couldn't bear the desolation such a thought caused her. _

"_Well, he did," Diane said waspishly, "twice actually," she couldn't help adding as she rubbed salt into their respective wounds. "So, now that I have clearly explained why my right to hold Damian takes precedence over either of you, kindly give him to me." She stepped purposefully towards Epiphany, her hands extended in anticipation of taking the baby. _

"_Uh, uh," Epiphany glared at her shaking her head as she backed away from her. "I'm not letting this child anywhere near you. You wouldn't want to get drool on that expensive designer suit of yours anyway." She was trying another tactic, activating Diane's obsession with her appearance._

"_I've spent all day with that child in this very suit and as you can see-voila!-no problem. Additionally, I have bonded with Damian and value him above such superficial things as clothes and…" Diane took a calming breath, she could do this, she really could. "And shoes," she finished weakly. _

"_Great," Carly said dismissively as she too began to move towards Epiphany and the baby. "Glad to hear you've gone all karmic and have your inner Tao all in order and so on… Meanwhile, let those of us who actually like children and have some, take care of this little sweetie." Now it was Carly and Epiphany facing off and it was unclear which would be the victor. They were well matched in formidability but Epiphany had the edge in size as well as possession of the baby in contention. "You've had him quite a while, Epiphany. I am sure we can all be reasonable and share."_

"_Jason left him in my care for a reason," Epiphany reiterated stubbornly as she gave Carly a Gorgon like stare._

"_He's my best friend and I think I would know what he would and wouldn't want!" Her temper was beginning to fray and the reasoning on all their parts was becoming circular._

"_Hand him over to his godmother," Diane once more entered the fray._

"_Registered nurse!"_

"_Oldest and dearest friend!"_

"_Lawyer and officially designated __godmother__!_

"_That's enough!" Jason's roar of fury cut across their bickering as he stalked through the room and removed a wailing Damian from Epiphany's arms. "What the hell were you all thinking? I leave for ten minutes and find you fighting over him like dogs with a bone!"_

"_Jason," Carly began tentatively, never having learned when it was wisest to say nothing._

"_Shut up and sit down." He hissed at her, trying to be quiet as he attempted to calm Damian. Their usual immediate rapport was lacking this time. The baby had been seriously distressed by all the arguing. Jason was finding it difficult to hold onto his temper when he looked at the three instigators. "All of you," he added with unarguable finality._

_Chastised they did as he ordered. Carly and Epiphany sat on the couch while Diane headed for one of the armchairs. They watched Jason walking up and down, his full attention on Damian as he spoke soothingly to him and rocked him. _

"_Sssh, Sssh, little boy, it's okay, you're okay. They just like you so much they forgot you aren't a toy but a real live baby. They didn't mean to scare you and if they ever do anything like that again…Daddy," the unfamiliar word rolled off his tongue surprising him and the three women, "will make sure it's for the last time." _

_He was clearly lecturing them at the same time he tended to the infant. They bowed their heads in shamefaced silence, hoping that Jason wasn't going to prevent them from being in Damian's presence, his life. _

_Finally the baby's sobs trailed off and he just was making a strange combined hiccupping and gulping sound that was pitiful to hear. Jason just kept moving and talking, using the edge of his blanket to wipe away the tears dripping from his eyes. Slowly, with a little sigh, his exhausted eyes closed and he trailed off into sleep, his lips still pursed from the last sound that had exited them._

_Relieved, Jason placed him against his shoulder all the while moving his hand in gentle circles against his back. Then he turned his focus back onto the three women who had been uncharacteristically silent as they waited anxiously for Damian to subside and quiet down. They knew his crying jag was all their fault and they felt trepidation as Jason came towards them, his eyes a brilliant, crystalline blue as he examined each one of them in turn._

"_I can't have you behaving like this," his voice was low but the words were serious. "I really can't. He's the baby but you were all behaving like spoiled children." He sat down in the other armchair, careful not to jostle Damian. "I know that you are not…natural friends."_

_A snort of disgust erupted from Epiphany as she repeated "Friends! Not hardly!"_

_Jason looked at her sharply, frown lines creasing his forehead. "This is exactly what I am talking about. You are supposed to be adults. Epiphany, you handle difficult patients and staff members all the time. You, Diane, you have clients you don't like but you represent them to the best of your ability. Carly," his voice had softened as he turned towards his dejected friend, "I know you think you indulge your emotional likes and dislikes without worrying about the outcome but we both know that's not true. You run a hotel with a huge staff and guests that come up with lots of complaints and problems. I've seen you turn on the charm and settle disputes. Well, if you can all do it at work, when it concerns people that you don't even care about, I expect you to put your differences aside and do your best for Damian. He needs a stable and loving environment. I'm warning you I won't let him be around the kind of behavior I saw when I walked through that door." He was stern and unrelenting in his expectations._

"_Jason," it was Carly, she couldn't go another minute without saying it. "She…Diane," she was trying to be civil, to follow Jason's demands to the letter if not quite the spirit, "says that you asked her to be Damian's Godmother." She had blurted it out and her injured feelings were evident in every syllable. _

_Jason gave a deep sigh, he should have guessed where all the trouble had stemmed from, especially knowing Carly and her sensitivity about her unique place in his life. He spared a quick disillusioned glance for Diane who had the grace to look a little abashed._

"_Well, you did!" She said defensively._

"_Yes, I asked Diane to be Damian's Godmother today," he said with straight forward honesty. "I want him to know her wit, her intelligence, her ability to meet the world head on and shape it to her terms. Most of all, I want him to learn about that soft heart that she tries so hard to hide under the armor of all those designer suits." He gave her a wry smile as he saw she didn't know how to respond or what to say to his unexpected speech._

"_Jason," it was almost inaudible as she brushed at the third set of tears coursing down her face that day. "I'm honored." Diane finished simply._

_He nodded in acknowledgment and turned back to the two on the couch. "I asked Diane to be his godmother today because she was here with me. A child, this child, will need all the love and support he can get. He'll especially need surrogate mothers since it looks like his real one isn't in the picture." He gave a silent prayer that it would stay that way. That certainly was one aspect of Spinelli's life he wouldn't mind Damian duplicating, no exterior familial ties or complications. _

"_Epiphany," he turned to his comrade in arms, his demeanor sober and respectful. "You could show Damian so much…courage, an amazing work ethic, compassion, common sense, the ability to do or be anything you want. He would learn so much from you and I would trust you with him-with all of you-if something were to happen to me. So, Epiphany Johnson, would you be Damian Spinelli's Godmother?"_

_His reward was one of Epiphany's blinding white smiles as she nodded at him and ducked her head, surprisingly shy in the face of the plainly stated compliments, the precious request."_

"_That's a yes?" He prompted her gently as he bent his head and tried to catch her lowered eyes._

"_Yes, Jason, that's a yes." Now she was looking at him and her face was grave. "I would like to apologize for what happened before." She looked directly at Carly and then Diane. "I behaved poorly and I am sincerely sorry, I hope you can forgive me. You too, Jason, I didn't live up to the trust you put in me by leaving Damian in my charge." She was entirely repentant and it showed in her dignified deportment as she apologized to all of them. _

_Diane went next, "It was a low blow talking about being his godmother. Jason's right, he only asked me because I was here. Damian is going to need everybody he can get in his corner. I think the three of us will make an exceptional team. I pity anyone who thinks to stand between us and what's best for this child." Carly and Epiphany actually nodded vigorously at her words. Disparate as they were in temperament, Damian's welfare was the catalyst through which they could not only co-exist but present a united front to the world at large. Nothing magical had transpired, they still weren't friends, at least not now, maybe not ever but allies-absolutely._

_Jason was satisfied, even proud of them. He knew all of them well enough to know it wasn't easy for them to put aside their differences, to admit to fault. He also knew if they committed fully to this baby sleeping soundly in his arms, there wasn't a better source of love or protection he could wish for his boy. _

_Now, it was time for him to pose the final question, the one unasked but hanging in the air. The one that Carly was trying to appear entirely indifferent too and succeeding in all but the veil of uncertainty clouding her eyes as she looked everywhere but directly at Jason. _

"_Carly," he spoke with immutable affection. "We've known each other-well, forever really-and you have always included me in your life, in your sons' lives. You must realize that Damian couldn't possibly be expected to grow up without you there-fighting for him, loving him, teaching him to laugh, showing him how to stand up for himself, even as you always take the first punch for him, sneaking him junk food…" He could feel his eyes getting wet as she finally met his gaze and smiled tremulously at him, absorbing every word he said, her own eyes shining with unshed tears. _

"_Hah!" she responded, wiping at her eyes and smiling at him, that gorgeous, heartbreaking Carly patented smile. "That's all you know, sneaking junk food! I will proudly induct him into the junk food hall of fame-frozen pizzas, cheesy snacks, barbeque chips, orange soda…" She didn't miss the flash of pain in his eyes, but she was determined to get him to see the connection that she felt, that she knew was there in Damian and that he was just being stubborn or fearful or…just Jason, in trying to deny it. _

_Jason wasn't finished yet. He stared at the three women, all strangely silent as they sat occupied with their thoughts and the revelations the day had brought. "So," he was still looking at Carly. "Can I get two for the price of one?"_

"_What?" She was puzzled, "What do you mean, Jason?"_

"_I mean," he stole a quick glance at the baby snuggled against his shoulder. "That as much as Damian and I appreciate the ladies," he gave them a crooked grin that flip flopped a heart or two though you couldn't have told it by their expressions. They had all been around the block once too often to give themselves away that easily. "Still, it seems a little lopsided, the three of you and just me. So, I was wondering," he took a deep breath, this was really the hardest one to request, the greatest risk but he had thought it through and it felt right to him. "I thought perhaps you and Jax could both stand as godparents to Damian." He looked at Carly quizzically, awaiting her response._

"_Jax?" She exclaimed surprised, "You want Jax, to be his godfather? You don't even like him Jason, why would you ask him to do something like this? It will link our families together forever through Damian. You know that right?" She wanted him to be sure he understood what he was asking of all of them-her, Jax, and Jason himself. _

_Carly also was aware that if things didn't go well, didn't work out that she would be the one caught in the middle of the two men, the same way she used to get pulled between Jason and Sonny. She really had no desire to revisit that part of her life. She must be growing up because unceasing melodrama and continuous arguing held little appeal for her these days. _

_Jason nodded his head, appreciating her warning. "Jax and I have had our disagreements over the years. Sonny never liked him and his attitude spilled over into my dealings with him. Still, Spinelli admired him and Jax was kind to him. I want Damian to have everything in life and there's things I don't know, can't teach him but Jax can. Things like what books he ought to read or plays he should see, how to behave in society-dancing, polite conversation. There are so many things that I wouldn't have the first clue about but I know he does. If something ever changed and I couldn't be here then Damian could go to you two, Carly. He would be part of a two parent family and have siblings. I know that Jax is great with Morgan. So, will you ask him for me? Will you both agree to be Damian's Godparents along with Diane and Epiphany?" _

_He seldom asked her for anything and even when he did, she didn't always manage to come through for him the way he invariably did for her. "Well, "Carly vowed to herself, "Jax will agree to be Damian Morgan's Godfather if I have to handcuff him to the bed and ply him with my wiles until he can't see straight and says yes."_

_She decided that Jason only needed to hear the result of her plan, not the methodology. "Yes, I guarantee you that Jax will agree to be his godparent. We would both be thrilled to be Damian's Godparents and to do so in such…good company is an added bonus." Carly had ceased hostilities with Diane and Epiphany and was extending an olive branch to each of them._

"_Well, thank you all then for agreeing to help me with this little guy. We both appreciate it more than you can imagine." Jason was happy that they had all consented to be Damian's Godparents but he was even more relieved at being finished with such emotional interchanges. _

_It had been starting to feel uncomfortably like group therapy to him and the only therapist he had ever needed was a fast bike, the open road and the wind in his hair. Though, looking down at Damian, he thought those days might be behind him as well. He needed to be around for this baby. He couldn't just cavalierly risk his life anymore by letting the dice fall where they might. _

"_So," he said briskly, "There are still more boxes downstairs." He indicated the open door where there was a dolly full of packages from his trip to the lobby. "How about I go get them and you three start opening these other ones so we can set Damian up in his new home?"_

_He stood up and looked at each of the three women. There was a slight shadow of a smile on his face as he asked, "Who would like to take Damian while I go back downstairs?"_

_Jason's strongly worded edict of cooperation was so indelibly stamped on each of their minds that they stumbled over themselves in attempting to comply with it. "Carly, should hold him." Diane was attempting to prove her sincerity._

"_No, Diane you should take him. I'll begin to unpack some of these boxes." Carly wasn't going to be outmaneuvered in the new spirit of détente._

"_Here, I'll take him." It was Epiphany, she wasn't shy about wanting to hold Damian again and besides she wanted to show Jason that this time his faith in her wouldn't be misplaced. "I'll supervise these two as they unpack." She looked at Diane and Carly with a raised eyebrow, interested in seeing if they were planning to object. _

"_Sounds good, come on, Carly, we'll get a knife from the kitchen. I just got my nails done; I'm not going to break one of them trying to open a box." Diane set off with Carly in tow._

_Jason looked at Epiphany and couldn't help laughing as he saw the self satisfied expression on her face. "Got them right where you want them, don't you?" He was impressed._

"_You better believe it," she said complacently. "We'll be fine this time. I'll make sure of it. Now you get your behind downstairs and get the rest of all those boxes containing Lord knows what for this little bit. In my day, we got by with second hand furniture and hand me downs…" She was still talking but Jason and the dolly were out the door. _

_The rest of the afternoon went by in a flash as package after package was opened and the contents exclaimed over and distributed between Jason's room and the nursery that had been meant for Sam's daughter. Jason moved anything out of the room that was too evocative of its intended first resident-clothes, toys and books that had never been used. Carly offered to take them for donation to the battered women's shelter where they always had a need for such items. Jason agreed gravely, he had sent more women than he could count to seek refuge there. _

_Damian was once again awake and alert and he seemed to hold no ill will towards any of his godmothers. They passed him back and forth amongst each other as they bickered amicably over where things ought to go. Carly took him and changed him, putting him into one of the new outfits Diane had ordered for him. Jason was finally satisfied at seeing him in clothing more appropriate for a baby boy, a little onesie with an airplane on the front, its color a nice manly pastel blue. _

_Finally, every package had been opened and its contents dispersed to an appropriate location. They ordered Chinese takeout and were all sitting around the living room chatting away while Jason just sat there contentedly watching the family unit he had created for his new son. Damian was nestled in his arms, taking another bottle._

_Diane looked over at him and smiled. "I read once about a tribe somewhere in Asia or Africa, where the mothers hold and carry their babies all the time. They never even put a foot on the ground until they're two years old. Is that your intention for the wee one, Jason?"_

_He blushed and shrugged sheepishly, "I just find it hard to let him go right now…I never even imagined something like this. I'm terrified that I'll turn away or go to sleep and when I look-he will be gone, like he was before..."_

_They were all silent, contemplating the depth of Jason's fears. Carly spoke first, "This is your miracle, Jason, yours…no one would give this to you and then just snatch it away. He's a real baby not a mirage and right now the two of you need to have some alone time. I would say bonding time but that would be redundant, you're so connected it's almost mystical. So," she got up and walked over to Jason. "I'm going home to Jax and Morgan and will let them know about the new addition to our family." She brushed her lips against Jason's cheek and looked down smiling at Damian with his bottle. "Little boy, you have the best Daddy in the world, you're very lucky."_

"_I'm the lucky one," Jason was whispering and Carly could hardly hear him. "Thank you, Carly, for always being here, for caring."_

"_I always will be, Jason-for you, for him-always." She turned to go, and then stopped, "'Night Epiphany, Diane. It was…fun." She grinned at them, raising a hand in farewell, surprised to find she actually meant what she had said._

_Epiphany had gotten up as well. "Goodnight, Carly. I had better be going too. You and this baby need to get some rest. Those middle of the night feedings take it out of you."_

_Jason was standing by now, Damian had finished another bottle in record time. He had an appetite like Spinelli's that was for sure. "I won't be coming to the hospital anymore. You know that right?"_

"_I'd hit you over the head with something to knock some sense into you if you were." Epiphany rolled her eyes at him. "The very idea, when you have a baby that needs his Father. I'm probably going to transfer back to days myself. Do you think that's cowardly of me?" She was unexpectedly vulnerable as she gazed into Jason's eyes, waiting to hear what he thought._

_He shook his head adamantly. "No, you did so much, more than anyone had a right to expect or to ask. I don't think I would have kept going without you either. You'll help plenty of people on the day shift, Nurse Johnson. It was a privilege to work with you." He walked her to the door. "Don't be a stranger. I need all the help I can get and Damian needs to get to know his Aunt Epiphany."_

"_Don't I know it! Somebody has to make sure this child is going to be raised properly." She was scowling but Jason just grinned cockily at her. "Stop that," She gave his shoulder a push, "I have a reputation to maintain and you grinning at me like an idiot when I'm scolding you isn't helping. Goodnight, Diane." She spared a brief glance of curiosity between the lawyer who was still on the couch and Jason. _

"_Goodnight, Epiphany." Diane managed to drawl even though she was feeling strangely nervous. It would have been the most natural thing in the world for her to have gotten up and left with Carly or now with Epiphany, but she hadn't. She didn't want to leave, not the penthouse, not Damian, not Jason. It was that last that had her distinctly worried and confused but not enough to make her get up and go. _

_Jason came back towards her, he was absorbed in Damian, talking to him and letting him play with his finger. Diane just watched him, watched them. Jason felt her appraising gaze. "What, do I have bean sprouts caught in my teeth or something?" He smiled at her._

"_No," Diane looked down, embarrassed at being caught staring. "I…I guess I should be going as well." Reluctantly, she started to get up from the couch. _

"_No, don't go!" Jason was surprised, he had thought all he wanted was to spend some time alone with Damian but somehow Diane being there, staying with them seemed just right. "Would you like a glass of wine? I think I have a Merlot on hand." He was heading for the kitchen, not even waiting for an answer. "Make yourself comfortable. Here," he had come back and was handing Damian to her. "You take him. I don't think I can manage a corkscrew with one hand." _

"_If you're sure," she was inexplicably shy, "I'd love some wine. Come here sweetie." Her arms were filled with the warm infant and she was luxuriating in the sensation, in the little face looking up at her with serene trust. How could she feel so much love for someone she hadn't even known existed twenty-four hours ago? She was never letting him out of her life, that part was easy, The question was all about the man walking back into the living room with a glass and a bottle of wine that he put down on the table in front of her._

"_I think you should stay the night with us again," His eyes were averted and it was awkwardly said but sincerely meant. "You can relax, we can…talk and you don't need to worry about driving."_

"_Sounds perfect," she had kicked her shoes off and tucked her legs up under her. She reached for the glass of wine and with Damian cuddled against her heart raised it in a toast to Jason. "To the future." He just smiled, his eyes filled with happiness as he looked at her and his son._


End file.
